Itachis Diary of Doom
by TRIGGER M00NSHIELD
Summary: Itachi takes the time to reflect in the 'privacy' of his diary. After all, living in the Akatsuki base with a bunch of hyper active, bored criminals has got to be funny enough to write down for future reference. Due to complaints, I am obliged to warn people not to read later chapters during class.
1. May: Pilot

**I have actually rewritten this chapter.  
I guess because in later chapters I get the feel of how to write the entries more so now I know what to work with, hence - this chapter is touched up slightly.  
Im not rewriting it completely haha**

* * *

**May 16th  
**  
Sasuke sighting **#14**  
Foolish little brother spotted with Orochimaru at the 'Emo Farm'.  
I must make a mental note to send them both letters dictating my distaste in their lack of fashion sense.

* * *

**May 17th  
**  
Becuz Hidan put lemun juze in Itarchees i-drops, i, Kissamee iz riting this diery entree.  
Itarchee wishez 2 say that no mattar howe dezperat he iz he wil knot allowe eny1 to rite in hiz diery otha then me becaz he noes that no 1 can tell tha difrenc in ow riting stiels  
**- Kissamee**

* * *

**May 18th  
**  
I have decided to exact my revenge upon Hidan and Kisame. Hidan, because he sabotaged my eye-drops and Kisame because he wrote my last entry in pen and as a result, I cannot erase it.

* * *

**May 19th  
**  
Because todays trip to the Zoo inspired Pein to dock our pay after the numerous casualties, I have decided to go on strike.  
I have also been punished further as it was finally discovered that it was I who told Tobi that Santa is fat because he eats children, the effects of which was many sleepless nights on Deidaras part.  
Unfortunately, Kakuzu is making me pay for all the soiled blankets we had to throw out as well.

* * *

**May 20th  
**  
I would like to note down today that my exhausting mission to track down the creators of "Barney; The Purple Dinosaur" has finally come to an end.  
I also figured out how long it takes Amaterasu to reduce a human body to ashes...  
Not as long as I thought...

* * *

**May 21st  
**  
Kisame has yet again disappointed me with his unhygienic lifestyle.  
I am not particularly fussed when it comes to mess on _his _side of the room but I cross the line when he secretly invites his 'fish friends' over.  
He can't fool me no matter how much he tries to cover up the smell.

* * *

**May 22nd  
**  
I have been punished yet again today. Apparently it is 'immoral' to slap Hidan and blame it on a seizure.  
Personally I fail to see the problem - the man is far from fragile, hie only weakness being sunlight and garlic.

Fuck you Pinkeye, I'm not a fucking vampire.  
**- Hidan**

You drink blood - you are a vampire.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**May 23rd  
**  
Hidan waz here!

* * *

**May 24th  
**  
Hidan has been punished. I can only see his attempt at vandalising my diary as a clever distraction to throw me off his undead secret!

* * *

**May 25th  
**  
Sasuke sighting **#15**  
I have come to the realization that Sasuke is probably stalking me.  
To counter this privacy threat I have bribed Kabuto with Yu-gi-oh cards so he will dye all of Sasukes 'manly shirts' pink to match that stupid purple belt thing he wears.

* * *

**May 26th  
**  
I have decided to decorate the house early for my upcoming birthday.  
Luckily I pre-ordered 3 rolls of razor wire and several kunai traps a few weeks ago.  
After last years celebration where Deidara ran traipsing throughout the house screaming 'Katsu', razor wire shall be very very amusing to hang across the hallways...

* * *

**May 27th  
**  
ART IS A BANG!

* * *

**May 28th  
**  
I have now wired my diary to 4 explosives, 6 poison senbon, 3 flying kunai and a giant rock.  
I'm not usually one for profanities but I am getting irritated by the lack of privacy and respect...  
Try to get through that bitchez!

* * *

**May 29th**

No matter how many traps you set to your diary, you cannot deter the will of God.  
**-Pein.**

* * *

**May 30th  
**  
GOD F #$ING DAMMIT!

* * *

**The translation for May 17 was:**

_Because Hidan put lemon juice in Itachi's eye drops, I, Kisame is writing this diary entry._  
_Itachi wishes to say that no matter how desperate he is he will not allow anyone to write in his diary other than me because he knows that no one can tell the difference in our writing styles_


	2. June

**June 9th**

Today was my birthday and it was wonderful!  
Even my Foolish Little Brother managed to send me what he so eloquently describes "Birthday Bombs"  
Of course I received my usual birthday mail.  
A severed hand from Orochimaru…. Nice to see he's branching out.  
My annual death threats from the various shinobi villages.  
A ramen voucher rigged to explode from the Kyuubi brat… It was faulty  
Even the writers of the Bingo Book managed to send more "Surprise Party Invitations" than usual.  
So of course I had to acknowledge all this attention.  
A celebratory Amaterasu session seemed the way to go. For a while the name "Fire country" was very… very… fitting.

* * *

**June 14th**

EeTarChee iz A baD bOi!

* * *

**June 15th**

I have given up on my diary defenses…  
If Tobi can get through them then I am clearly losing my touch.  
I have a feeling Kisame is somehow to blame.

* * *

**June 16th**

Hidans annual ritual day was today.  
Normally I wouldn't know and/or care but the smell of decaying animals in the washing machine made it painfully obvious… I can only hope Kakuzu finds a way to kill him soon.

* * *

**June 17th**

Sasori successfully spiked Hidan, Deidara and Tobis food/drink/clay with his infamous rhinoceros tranquilizer today.  
The result was absolute bliss.  
Pein has discreetly asked Sasori to attempt this everyday.

* * *

**June 18th**

As they say, nothing good lasts forever.  
After what has been dubbed by Konan as "Awesomeness-in-a-can-yesterday" Deidara and Hidan plotted together in a rare act of teamliness… Something… and destroyed Sasoris kiddy 'science-lab' kit.  
It was probably for the best.  
No matter how fancy he sets it up it doesn't change the fact that it was bought from a Toys-R-Us store.

* * *

**June 19th**

I have placed a genjutsu on the bedroom door.  
Lollypops, clay animals, bloody footprints and Kakuzus heart medication are among the random objects I keep finding in here.  
The genjutsu is simple enough.  
Whoever enters will witness the illusion of a violent murder.  
It's genius really.

* * *

**June 20th**

I feel slightly silly…  
As it turns out, most of the people in this organization aren't actually bothered by violent murders…  
Although Tobi started wetting the bed again.


	3. July

Credit goes to **mad-hatter-0495 **for giving me the idea of Hidan using his scythe to cut the meat and the inspiration for basically the whole month.  
I cant believe how quickly I am writing these. I cant seem to stop.  
As always, ratings and reviews are appreciated :D  
Your friendly neighborhood me.

* * *

**July 3rd  
**  
Sir Leader decided that for the rest of the week we have to take turns at cooking dinner – brilliant.  
I can only assume this is an effort to torture us considering he never eats with us.  
He is probably up in his room eating pizza with the rest of his bodies while the rest of us suffer… Bastard

* * *

**July 4th  
**  
Tonight wasn't half bad.  
Konan cooked Macaroni and Cheese that was actually quite nice.  
Hidan was the only one who didn't eat it because he claims to be 'lactose intolerant'.  
I don't think he actually knows what the definition of 'lactose intolerant' is however.  
He eats more ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches than all of us combined.

* * *

**July 5th  
**  
Kakuzus turn to cook dinner.  
I should have guessed he would make cabbage soup… That is basically the only thing old people eat.

* * *

**July 6th  
**  
Tonights dinner was provided by one psychotic priest whose hair is gelled to the consistency of steel.  
Pein has now declared a ban on weapons in the kitchen after Hidan and Kisame attempted to cut the chicken into portions using Samehada and Hidans three bladed scythe.

* * *

**July 7th  
**  
Tobi attempted to cook something.  
Pein has now upgraded the previous list to things that aren't allowed in the kitchen period.  
Along with Samehada and the Three Bladed Scythe, Tobi is now one of them.  
Char-grilled cookies aren't anyones idea of dinner.

* * *

**July 8th  
**  
Deidaras food actually looked pretty tasty.  
He made a whole pot of chicken noodle soup.  
No one ate any though because the little bits of 'chicken' strongly resembled miniature versions of Deidaras mine bombs.

* * *

**July 9th  
**  
No one trusted Sasori to cook in the first place.  
Our fears were confirmed when he served a purple goop with a side of 'salad'.  
I don't know how many of the other Akatsuki pay attention to native fauna but I myself am positive that I saw poison ivy in that 'salad'.  
The fact that the other goopy substance was purple didn't improve our appetite.

* * *

**July 10th  
**  
I don't even know what Kisame made but everyone now has food poisoning.  
The only one who got out of it was Hidan who severed his own head so that he couldn't feel the stomach pains.

* * *

**July 11th  
**  
My cooking attempt was very successful if I may say so myself.  
Despite what anyone else says, Amaterasu cooks food beautifully.  
Sure it might have been a little dark… Black… and crispy on the outside and nearly raw in the middle, but it was definitely the most edible thing this week.

Hidan here – Fuck all Uchihas and their cooking everywhere.  
Deidara here – What Hidan said

* * *

**July 12th  
**  
None of us were really looking forward to Zetsus turn cooking.  
As it was he showed up around dinner time with a Hidden Leaf shinobi hog tied and covered in spices.  
I initially thought that Zetsu had used poison senbon to capture him but as it turns out, the guy he caught just liked chewing on senbon.  
I'm not going to bother punishing Hidan and Deidara because with luck they will get food poisoning and die by the end of the week.

* * *

**July 13th  
**  
After a really delicious dinner of pork with apple sauce, golden roasted potatoes, various servings of pan fried vegetables and a desert of home-made chocolate ice-cream, we kicked Orochimaru back out of the base, frilly pink apron and all.  
We still have no idea how he got in or why he is such a good cook.

* * *

**July 14th  
**  
Pein ordered us pizza.  
In other news, I caught Kisame bringing his 'fish friends' into the base again.  
He foolishly claimed that he was part of the underwater book club so I ingeniously claimed that I was hungry for fried fish.

* * *

**July 15th  
**  
Now that the week of cooking (more accurately described as 10 days of torture) is up we can resume eating cans of food and cheap take-out.

* * *

**July 16th  
**  
A suspicious ramen stand has appeared out the front of the base.  
Convenient or not, we have permission to destroy it.  
Take that Kyuubi.

* * *

**July 17th  
**  
Nothing interesting to say today.  
All of the Akatsuki went out for the day.  
The only thing worth mentioning was Orochimarus sudden appearance and equally sudden disappearance  
(accompanied with a girly scream that would have made Sasuke's voice breaking days proud)  
when he saw us marching along.  
Why he left his Emo Farm in the first place is beyond me.

* * *

**July 18th  
**  
By order of Pein  
**  
Things not allowed in the kitchen:**  
Three Bladed Scythes  
Cookie cutters  
Samehada  
Bombs  
Clay  
Zetsu  
Kisame  
Tobi  
Sasori  
Deidara  
Me  
Anything with a pulse besides Konan and Orochimaru.

**Things not allowed in the base:**  
Orochimaru.


	4. August

**August 4th  
**  
Due to today being International Friendship Day, the Akatsuki and Konoha have signed a temporary peace treaty.  
This has allowed us to venture into the village once more and celebrate.

I used this time wisely to take out a life insurance policy on one of the top jounins, Asuma.  
I just have a hunch he is going to die... Probably from an asthma attack.

Hidan got us kicked out of several bars,  
Kakuzu got us kicked out of several banks,  
Deidara got us kicked out of the weaponry shop,  
Tobi got us kicked out of the lolly shop,  
Sasori was invited to come back to the toy shop.  
I had a death glare stand-off with a Hyuuga and as a result, was kicked out of the Hyuuga compound.

Eventually there was nowhere else to get kicked out of… So we went home.

* * *

**August 5th**

Sasuke sighting **#16**  
Today my foolish little brother decided to try and bribe me with dangos to lure me out of the base.  
I'm assuming his creepy-pedophile-sugar-daddy was the one who gave him the co-ordinates of the hideout.  
Stupid Orochimaru…  
I was sorely tempted by the dangos.  
But if Sasuke made them then they probably lacked hatred.  
Hatred is the key ingredient to delicious dango.

* * *

**August 6th  
**  
Today I stumbled across one hyper active, attention deprived, color blind fox child.  
We talked briefly (I was still recovering from dango deprivation and hence not in the mood to fight)  
He did start to kind of irritate me with the whole "I will bring Sasuke back to the village" speech.  
Its been three years… Give up, Bright Lite.  
In the end I caught him in a genjutsu and made him swallow a crow.

**I did it for the lulz.  
**  
That was Deidara… In my diary… _Again…_

* * *

**August 7th  
**  
When I returned to my room today after 'chilling like a villain' as Hidan puts it, in the nearby village, I was horrified to discover that Kisame had installed a giant fish tank in our room.  
After I got over my shock I immediately used my Tsukuyomi to punish him for his insolence.  
It may however, have been slightly uncalled for because I later found a note addressed to Kisame attached to the side of said fish tank.  
It read:

_Yo Kisame,_  
_Enjoy dis tank from da hood._  
_Next time I come over I will have somewhere to sleep instead of having to hide under your freaky room mates bed._  
_Are you sure he don't got pink eye?_  
_Your Underwater Book Club Buddy,_  
_Jaws_

Ever since reading the note I have been unable to stop twitching.

* * *

**August 8th  
**  
In preparation for Kakuzus upcoming birthday, Kisame and I decided to venture to the nearby village to find a birthday present.  
I was actually impressed with the gift Kisame decided on.  
Practicality was never his strong side but I found his purchase of a walking stick rather fitting.  
Kakuzu is turning 92 after all…  
I decided to just wrap up some coupons that I cut out of some magazines.  
It's the perfect present.  
He gets 15 cents a kilogram off apples and I don't spend a cent.

* * *

**August 9th  
**  
I have declared war upon Hidan and Deidara.  
Not only have my eye drops been sabotaged AGAIN, but my limited edition Bingo Book Missing Nin (BBMN) collectors cards have suspiciously gone missing.

* * *

**August 10th  
**  
I received a letter from Orochimaru today asking why I always miss the first few days of the month in my diary entries…  
Needless to say I am creeped out and have put up super special secret traps around my bedroom and the base in general to make sure he doesn't get in anymore.  
But so he doesn't keep bothering me in scary and unorthodox ways, it is because every month I accompany Kisame to visit his parents at the aquarium.

* * *

**August 11th  
**  
Orochimaru pwnz Itachi  
(I want your body)

* * *

**August 12th  
**  
I am not impressed.  
Partially because my diary was invaded again,  
Partially because it was Orochimaru that did the invading  
Partially because Pein denied my request to move to Wind Country

* * *

**August 13th  
**  
Today is a glorious day.  
I was searching for my BBMN collectors cards and heard suspicious noises emanating from Hidans room.  
Naturally I assumed he had stolen them so I barged in, Sharingan activated.  
As it turns out Hidan and Deidara had just snuck in there to watch Kisames porn.  
And my Sharingan just so happened to memorize several new sexual techniques.  
Yes!

* * *

**August 14th  
**  
Kakuzus birthday was today.  
He glared at the presents Kisame and I bought him, but I don't really care.  
Konan made him an origami bouquet which he was happy enough with.  
He refused to open Deidaras present.  
Tobi bought him a lollypop and Sasori bought him a heart attack kit.  
Which was fortunate.  
Pein gave him a check for 1000 dollars which gave Kakuzu a fatal heart attack.  
It's almost like Sasori knew…


	5. September

**September 12th**

I will admit I have been neglecting to write in this here diary.  
There is however, a good reason.  
On the 16th of August, Sir Leader asked Tobi to find a pet in the forest  
(Mainly to get rid of him, as all the animals in there are flesh eating monsters.)  
After a few hours the orange faced imbecile returned with a "fuzzy oreo dog."  
By the time we realized it was a skunk, the entire base had been compromised.  
As a result we have spent the last few weeks in our Kirigakure base.  
Needless to say, Kisame was delighted to be home.

* * *

**September 13th**

I hate Kirigakure…  
Its wet and cold and there is never any sun.  
I hate all our bases.  
In Amegakure it's too wet.  
In Sunagakure it isn't wet enough.  
Iwagakure has no trees.  
And Kirigakure is the home of mutant fish people.  
Teenage Mutant Ninja Sharks to be exact.

* * *

**September 14th**

Pein called a meeting today to try to figure out how to dispose of Tobi.  
My own brilliant opinion was rejected.  
According to Konan, it is inappropriate to send an annoying man in an orange mask to my foolish little brother in order to teach him to hate.  
Personally I thought it was like hitting two ninjas with one kunai.  
My genius will never be properly appreciated.

* * *

**September 15th**

Pein is sending Kisame and myself on a mission to the Fire Country today.  
I have decided to bring this diary because without a doubt I will need to vent my rage.  
Kisame never talks.  
And when he does its about fish, fish food, fish friends, or his fish book club.  
Yes… I shall need this diary.

* * *

**September 16th**

We have set up camp half way between the fire/wind country border and Konoha.  
Kisame has gone to catch dinner… Fish.  
So I decided I would write it down.  
For lack of a better thing to do.  
We will bypass Konoha tomorrow so I am looking forward to seeing it again.  
I am going to end my entry here.  
Someone is drawing closer to our campsite and it would not do well for someone to find the great Uchiha Itachi writing in his diary.

* * *

**September 17th**

RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN RAMEN

- Love Naruto

* * *

**September 18th**

PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS

- Love Sai

* * *

**September 19th**

SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE

- Love Sakura

P.s  
Even I think this is cruel, it was Narutos idea to steal this diary during our little brawl…  
When you get this back… Please don't kill us.

* * *

**September 20th**

As much as I love ramen, Sasuke and peni- wait, that's not right…  
I would rather they not be written numerous time in my dairy…  
Mainly penis.  
Especially penis…  
I will Tsukuyomi this Sai next when I meet him.

* * *

**September 21st**

We returned back to base today.  
Sir Leader punished us for not buying him a present on his birthday (on the 19th)  
But other than that I do not have much to write down.

* * *

**September 22nd**

Today we all sat in the base waiting for the rain to stop.  
With the exception of Kisame.  
He was invited to a special Seven Swordsman of The Hidden Mist reunion party.  
I decided to pass the time by reapplying my nail polish.  
Sasori took over when my arm became sore and the fool chipped one of my nails!  
It now looks like a miniature fish demon has bitten a chunk of my finger!  
Foolish little puppet.


	6. October

**October is here.  
**As always rates and reviews are appreciated.  
Enjoy the madness

* * *

**October 1st**

Instead of the usual leave-my-diary-at-home fiasco, I have decided to bring it with me on Kisames monthly vacation.  
Normally I would leave it at the base but the last few months when it has been left unattended I have had to rip out several pages to rid my diary of the various profanities and insults written down by the other Akatsuki members.  
Today this ends.

* * *

**October 5th**

We arrived at our destination today.  
Kisames parents live in a house boat in (you guessed it) the sea.  
I always always get nervous when we visit Kisames family.  
Kisame himself is tolerable because he fears my awesome power.  
His relatives however, always look at me and drool like they are hungry or something.  
I suppose I cant be too harsh on them. They can be kind when they want to be.  
They always insist we stay a few extra days so they can have me for dinner.

* * *

**October 6th**

Today I woke up to Kisames brother, Flipper, grinding pepper over me.  
I know that cucumber is supposed to be relaxing for your eyes, but what good does pepper do?  
When I questioned Flipper on this he told me that it makes things taste better.  
I don't mean to rain on his parade but his mothers cooking is still disgusting.

* * *

**October 7th**

I am getting well and truly sick of this house boat and Kisame knows it.  
Kisames mother insisted that I help her out in the kitchen which I normally wouldn't mind.  
But she had me wash the most useless things.  
At her request I crawled into her giant cooking pot to scrub away the dust at the bottom.  
She looked extremely surprised when I emerged seconds later, having burnt the dust away with Amaterasu.  
I don't think she expected me to be done so soon but what can I say?

Uchiha's don't scrub.

* * *

**October 8th**

We left Kisames parents today.  
As always they looked extremely sad to see us go.  
I cant help but wonder if Kisame is a bastard child or disappointment of some kind.  
They always seem more upset about me leaving.

* * *

**October 9th**

A boring day on the way back to the base today.  
We still have 4 days until we return so there is a high chance I wont write during those days.  
Kirigakure really is the most boring place.  
All they ever eat is fish and the impenetrable fog is a constant reminder that you cant see more than a few feet in front of you.  
Oh! I have to go! Kisame says he can see a dango stand about 500 meters away!

* * *

**October 16th**

We got to the base later than we thought we would.  
Despite being a highly travelled individual and living in Kirigakure all his life…  
Kisame got us lost.

* * *

**October 17th**

Kakuzu has been over excited lately.  
Despite the loss of his heart medication, he and Hidan managed to kill a Konoha jounin with a massive bounty on his head.  
At this point in time I am delighted with myself for taking out a life insurance policy on Asuma Sarutobi.  
I am now richer than Kakuzu.

* * *

**October 18th**

Today was Hidans annual ritual day.  
He was furious because Kakuzus bounty hunting side trip made him two days late.  
Personally I find it all very funny.  
Despite how loud he can be, it always makes me happy seeing Kakuzu cut his head off.

* * *

**October 25th**

In preparation for Halloween Sir Leader has sent letters to all of the shinobi nations requesting another temporary peace treaty.  
This was mainly inspired by Tobi, Deidara, Kisame and Hidans constant nagging.  
They reasoned that the only place they could trick or treat and be happy were the many countries from which they come.  
Kisame asked if I would trick or treat with him in Kirigakure.  
I told him to shove it up his arse.

* * *

**October 28th**

Pein received several letters back today.

After the fiasco in Konoha that resulted in the entire Akatsuki being kicked out of every single building and compound, the Hokage refused our request.

Apparently the Kazekage still feels sore about Deidara and Sasori kidnapping him.  
He said no as well.

The Tsuchikage granted our request upon the condition that Deidara is not to come...  
Said terrorist threaten to bomb all of our bases if the rest of us went without him.

The Raikage also granted our request but we wont be going to Lightning Country as it is too far away.

The Village Hidden in the Sound granted our request...  
Which is strange because Pein has been purposely avoiding contact with Orochimaru and claimed he never even sent the Creepy-Snake-Man a letter…

The Mizukage granted our request because the rest of the Seven Swordsman of The Hidden Mist threatened to go on rampage if she said no.  
I plan to hang myself before Halloween.  
I hate Kirigakure.

* * *

**October 30th**

I still haven't hung myself.  
Pein threatened to kill me if I tried so I am in a bit of a predicament.  
Finally I decided I will just have to deal with it.  
Sir Leader requested we all write an idea on a piece of note and put them in Konans paper hat.  
We will figure out who will be what for Halloween by drawing them out at random.  
That's really the only way we decide things in the Akatsuki.

* * *

**October 31st**

I am not happy.  
Out of the paper hat I drew out a note with my greatest fear written upon it:  
Maito Guy.  
So here I am hiding in our room wearing green spandex and trying to delay the inevitable.  
I suppose I'm not the only one who is unhappy.

Kisame is dressed as Rock Lee **(Fitting given the situation)**

Sasori is going as Naruto **(He looks ridiculous in orange)**

Deidara is dressed as Sasuke **(My idea of course)**

Kakuzu is dressed as a flower **(I think this was Tobis idea but we will never know)**

Hidan had to be forced into his pink Tutu and ballerina shoes. **(This bought me great pleasure)**

Konan is going as a Jashinist **(Hidans idea I assume...)**

We kind of just hung Christmas lights around Zetsu.

And Pein and his 5 bodies are going as Kisame, Deidara, Kakuzu, Me, Sasori and Hidan…  
**(I dont see the point in dressing as ourselves)**

Tobi is the only one who got it easy… He is going as the Devil...


	7. November

**So November is here (not really but you know)**  
**This chapter is mainly me the author, torturing Itachi for the lulz...  
I might not write too many more of these unless I get some more reviews.  
Thanks to those who have reviewed though :)  
Well on with the diary!**

* * *

**November 1st  
**  
After a horrible Halloween I have decided to become a hermit and live in a shed in a forest somewhere.  
As it turns out, the Hidden Leaf shinobi went trick or treating in Kirigakure as well…  
Imagine my horror upon coming face to face with the real Maito Guy.  
Although it wasn't as awkward as I predicted...  
As it turned out, his costume consisted of:  
An Akatsuki cloak,  
A long black wig tied in a ponytail,  
Red contacts lenses,  
And a stuffed toy crow.  
Fate must be laughing at me right now.

* * *

**November 2nd  
**  
The rest of the Akatsuki are still recovering from their hangovers, except for Hidan who heals too quickly to get a headache.  
Its kind of scary walking into the lounge room, seeing the Akatsuki sprawled out upon the chairs, then seeing the 6 Peins dressed up as the Akatsuki lying unconscious next to their originals...

* * *

**November 3rd  
**  
Me and Kisame are leaving for Kirigakure tomorrow.  
I initially refused to go because I am deadly sick of his family.  
But if I stay here I have to deal with Tobi so….

* * *

**November 4th  
**  
Lulz I like penis…  
And art…

* * *

**November 6th  
**  
I have decided to cast aside my shitty heathen ways and submit to the glorious pleasure of Jashin!

All hail the mighty lord, Jashin!

* * *

**November 7th  
**  
_There is only one God…_  
_And that is me._

* * *

**November 8th  
**  
Jashin is the only God!

_Give in foolish mortal!_  
_I am the God of Amegakure!_

I'm not mortal, I cant die you atheist fuck!

_I have nothing more to say on the matter_

Damn straight you don't!

* * *

**November 9th  
**  
Since when did Itachis diary become a public forum?  
Oh and Happy Birthday to me, because no one remembered yesterday…

* * *

**November 11th  
**  
_Hidan has left the base on a mission…_  
_I am God.  
_  
_P.s_  
_We forgot your birthday on purpose.  
Its not like you can eat cake or anything, Sasori.  
_

* * *

**November 13th  
**  
I decided not to bother bringing my diary to Kisames parents house.  
Mainly, because I write the same thing every time.  
It would get boring I'm sure, to be constantly writing down what kind of spice was thrown at me to wake me up etc.  
I'm actually quite surprised and/or annoyed that my 'private' diary has been oh-so-popular...

It's just getting ridiculous now.

* * *

**November 14th  
**  
I received a letter from Sasuke today.  
The fool asked me if I could please come and save him from the clutches of Orochimaru because he loves and misses me.  
I shall be leaving tomorrow.

* * *

**November 15th  
**  
WHY DOESN'T THIS FUCKER KNOW HOW TO HIDE HIS DIARY!

* * *

**November 16th  
**  
As it turns out, Hidan and Kisame forged the letter from Sasuke.  
It was a pleasant outing nonetheless.  
Orochimaru invited me in for lunch and we sat in chairs overlooking a lake whilst Sasuke and Kabuto played in the water.

Well, when I say 'played' I mean Kabuto swam around dissecting fish and Sasuke stood waist deep in the water glaring at me with his arms crossed.

From now on I am going to hide my diary somewhere so secret, that no one will ever think to look there.  
I have another mission tomorrow, it will be a good test.  
Ciao.

* * *

**November 21st**

I'm only writing in this now because I thought it was weird that Itachis diary was duck taped to the ceiling….  
I still hate you for forgetting my birthday…  
I'm hiding this diary so you cant find it.

* * *

**November 25th  
**  
HAHAHAHAHAHA**  
**

* * *

**November 27th  
**  
OMG LULZ!  
THIS IS WHERE SASORI HID IT!

* * *

**November 28th  
**  
I am sorely tempted to sell this diary to Sasuke.

* * *

**November 29th  
**  
_Despite how funny this is, I am removing this diary from the clutches of the senbon chewing shinobi that Zetsu dragged in a few months ago._  
_I'm sure I can hear Itachi crying._  
_- The Real God_

* * *

**If you didnt pick it up from all the hints I've dropped,**  
**The "senbon chewing shinobi" is Genma...**


	8. December

**Ok... So December is now up.  
I decided half way through that Itachi needed a new friend.  
So I gave him one :D  
I think that given the opportunity, it could blossom into something lovely.  
Enough of my blabbing though:  
Enjoy**

* * *

**December 3rd**

I have abandoned Kisame.  
After another fateful trip to his parents house, I woke up to his sister Kiiruka, gnawing on my arm.  
I don't know how they get into my room of a nighttime without waking me up.  
So the next day in the middle of the night I decided that enough was enough.  
I slaughtered Kisames whole clan and used my Tsukuyomi on him for good measure.  
That'll teach them.

* * *

**December 4th**

Kisame caught up to me today, although it doesn't surprise me, I was walking slowly on purpose.  
He is giving me the silent treatment which I must admit, I find very immature.  
I expected him to try to kill me for revenge…  
He mustn't have enough hatred.

* * *

**December 5th  
**  
We returned to the base today only for me to be punished for killing one of the strongest and oldest clans in Kirigakure.  
A bit dramatic I think.

* * *

**December 6th  
**  
Today Pein decided to try and make me leave the Akatsuki.  
He claims me to be too polite and kind, I disagreed of course.

He backed up his accusation by pointing out that when I tried to kidnap Naruto for the first time, instead of barging into his hotel room like any sane criminal would, I knocked politely at his door.

He also explained that a ninja who wants to sustain peace shouldn't join a group of criminals dedicated to taking over the world.

* * *

**December 7th  
**  
After yesterday's fiasco, I have come to the conclusion the real reason Pein wanted me to leave was because he is still sore about the Hoshigaki clan incident.  
I have decided to take a holiday to allow him to calm down.

* * *

**December 8th  
**  
During my aimless wanderings I happened to stumble across the ramen inhaling fox child.  
Thinking he was in danger, he automatically attacked me.  
Despite his potential to be a great ninja, I just cant see him going anywhere if whenever he encounters a problem, he spams shadow clones.

* * *

**December 9th  
**  
As it turns out, Naruto and I get along wonderfully.  
Due to me being on holiday I felt no obligation to capture him and due to Naruto being… Naruto, he decided to, as he so naively puts it "Let me live."  
After much chatting and storytelling, we came across a lovely little village and decided we would spend the night to get to know each other.

* * *

**December 10th  
**  
Today me and Naruto went to one of those wonderful psychic reading tents.  
I cant help but think it was a waste of money…  
Apparently someday soon, Naruto will look into a waterfall, see his true self and defeated him with a hug…  
It must be a metaphor.

* * *

**December 11th  
**  
Naruto and I parted ways today after a delicious lunch of ramen and dangos.  
He made me promise we would do this again sometime.  
I decided to go back to the base and see if Pein has calmed down.

* * *

**December 12th  
**  
On the way back to the lair, I just so happened to come across Orochimaru, Kabuto and Sasuke.  
My Foolish Little Brother decided at this point in time, he would ask me how we are expected to revive the Uchiha clan.  
I didn't answer him.  
After he left a village full of women who adore him to run away with a gender confused pedophile, I just didn't see the point.

* * *

**December 13th  
**  
I returned to the base today to find Kisame sitting in his fish tank crying.  
Needless to say, I turned back around and left the room.

* * *

**December 14th  
**  
Eye hayt u itarchee. U hav ruened mi lyf. I am leeving 2dai to kill Sasskay.

* * *

**December 15th  
**  
Kisame still hasn't returned.  
Its kind of nice to have peace and quite in our room for once.

* * *

**December 16th  
**  
Sir Leader dispatched search parties to look for Kisame today.  
I don't see the point but it has something to do with him being the last Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark.  
What a ridiculous name. Clearly it has been copied from somewhere.

* * *

**December 17th  
**  
Kisame returned home today with a large burn to the side of his face.  
Apparently upon meeting Sasuke and explaining his predicament, Sasuke got angry, shouted, "Now you know how it feels." and hi-fived Kisame in the face with a Chidori.  
We have decided to call a truce.

* * *

**December 18th  
**  
I sent an invitation to Naruto asking that he come to the base and have a movie night and popcorn with me.

Of course I will supply his ramen and in return he will supply my dango.

I'm sure Kisame will love him, and the senbon chewing man in the basement has been complaining of loneliness too.  
We have been allowing him to sit with us for dinner and watch movies with us lately.

I am getting quite fond of him.

* * *

**December 19th  
**  
Naruto refused my invitation, pointing out that everyone in the Akatsuki wanted him dead.

I admit it did not cross my mind.

His counter offer was that I go and visit him in The Village Hidden in the Leaf.  
I think I will respectfully decline however.

Everyone in Konoha wants me to die.

* * *

**December 20th  
**  
In preparation for Christmas, Sasori has injected Zetsu with a poison that will put him in a temporary coma while Kakuzu has tied him in place in the lounge room.  
As our usual Christmas ritual goes, we hung lights around him, stuck him in a terracotta pot and put presents at his feet.

* * *

**December 21st  
**  
Hidan has been ranting for the past 6 hours nonstop.  
There have been several villagers brought into the base to be sacrificed in order to rid his body of the 'heathen holiday germs' (Or something)  
I was only just in time to rescue our senbon chewing friend before Hidan cut him to ribbons.  
The poor man was terrified.

* * *

**December 22nd**

I did some Christmas shopping today, a bit late I suppose but oh well.  
I managed to find presents for everyone (for once):

An expensive kunai set, a stuffed fox toy and a ramen voucher for Naruto

The video "The making of Pinocchio" for Sasori

A toy shark for Kisame (As a peace offering)

Plant fertilizer for Zetsu

A poisoned lollypop for Tobi.

Several books on Christianity for Hidan.

A 'bomb defusing' kit for Deidara

Chocolate body paint for Pein and Konan

New clothes for Sasuke

And a cheque (that will bounce) for Kakuzu

* * *

**December 23rd  
**  
Today I received two presents in the mail.  
One from Sasuke and one from Naruto.  
I opened Sasukes first due to the fact that it was ticking and that I probably wouldn't want to leave it until Christmas…

From Naruto I got the same expensive kunai set that I bought for him, a stuffed toy crow and a dango voucher…

We are so similar.

I wish we had of started our friendship sooner.

* * *

**December 24th**

Due to it being Christmas eve, Deidara got permission to fly around the various shinobi villagers bombing carolers.  
I secretly thank him for it.  
I have a horrible fear of those vile creatures.

* * *

**December 25th**

A terrible day today.  
The present from Sasuke that I disposed of in the forest was apparently dug up by Tobi and brought back into the base.  
In Deidaras art studio to be exact.

And so we all woke up to an ear splitting explosion that destroyed the entire lounge room and art studio.  
All the presents that were under the Zetsu were destroyed.  
Zetsu only survived because his fly traps protected his body.

So here we are, standing outside the base and watching as it smokes and smoulders and waiting until we can go back in and salvage what's left.  
I have officially dubbed Tobi "The Grinch"

* * *

**So thats it for now!**  
**Dont worry, Itachis toys from Naruto are safe.  
We dont actually have carolers in Australia but they sound scary.**  
**Rates and reviews always appreciated.**


	9. January

**January!**  
**I know I avoided a few days towards the end of December but other than Boxing day and New Years Eve I figured there wasnt much worth dwelling on.**  
**It's funny because the dictionary on my stupid writing program doesn't recognise Kisames spelling as incorrect anymore XD**  
**Anyway, Enjoy!**

* * *

**January 1st  
**  
We are still cleaning up the base after Tobi exploded all our presents.  
I will leave January the second free for anyone in the Akatsuki who wishes to insult him.  
I want a record of it… To look back on when I am feeling particularly hateful

* * *

**January 2nd**

* * *

**January 3rd**

Well… I can only assume the lack of insults means that everyone is too angry and/or speechless to write.  
Pitiful people. Really…  
Personally, I want to Tsukuyomi him nonstop until the NEXT Christmas.

* * *

**January 4th**

Tobi is a faggot fucking dickhead bitchface arsehole cunt slut prick asspirate bastard asshat motherfucking fuckwad whore Jashin-rejecting FUCK!  
Fuck you, Hidan

You are a money waster… And I hate you.  
From Kakuzu

If we could find a way to kill you we would.  
- God

For the last few days I have been sculpting really detailed, magnificent replicas of you, yeah…  
THEN I BLEW THEM UP, UN!  
- Your biggest hater, Deidara

You aren't even worth my writing time. But you missed my birthday, so you will pay…  
- Sasori  
_  
I would eat you if the tho_**ught of it didn't make me sick**  
- _Ze_**tsu**

U r 1 ov da reesonz I hayt lyf  
- Kisame

What Pein/Zetsu/Kakuzu/Deidara/Sasori and ESPECIALLY Hidan said  
- Konan

I hate you almost as much as Itachi… Screw you Tobi.  
- Sasuke.

I would love to experiment on you. Perhaps I can turn your annoyingness into a weapon.  
-Orochimaru

Please don't consider what Orochimaru said… I don't want you here in the base. You scare the shit out of me  
- Kabuto

* * *

**January 5th**

So typical that I put a certain date aside for everyone to write in and they do it on another day just to annoy me… Typical.

* * *

**January 6th**

Because our wind country base was destroyed, I refuse to stay in our Kirigakure base, lightning country is too far away and Iwagakure has Deidaraphobia, we will be staying at our base in Konohagakure until we find another option.  
Naruto will be delighted.

* * *

**January 7th  
**  
After our attempts at leaving Tobi at our old base failed, we have resorted to tying a leash around his neck.  
He is not very happy about it and we have to take shifts walking him because no one wants to be near him for too long.

* * *

**January 8th  
**  
I wandered off alone today to meet with Naruto.  
He brought his friends Sai and Sakura along with him.  
Sakura tried to kill me so I placed her under a genjutsu that makes me look like Sasuke.  
She hasn't stopped hugging me.  
I Tsukuyomi'd Sai when I remembered he wrote penis multiple times in my diary.  
It went very well.

* * *

**January 9th  
**  
Further attempts at 'offing' Tobi have been unsuccessful.  
I re-read Orochimarus letter detailing all the methods Sasuke tried to kill himself with after we mailed Tobi to them in a box.  
We have yet to attempt to 'feed him to a lion' but it's on my to-do list.

* * *

**January 10th  
**  
After getting sick of Sir Leaders 'bitching' Hidan and Deidara decided they were going to henge tomorrow night and stay in a motel in the Hidden Leaf Village.  
I am going to follow along.  
There is no way this wont be funny.

* * *

**January 11th  
**  
Deidara dressed as a girl (as he always does to disguise himself) and Hidan wore one of Sasoris red wigs and styled it back into a high ponytail, he wore a dark robe with a white belt.  
Konohas on-duty guard Kotetsu, looked at them and started laughing.  
He let them in anyway and they wandered off to find a hotel.  
I myself am henged into the first thing I could think of, which happened to be Naruto.  
(He is on my mind a lot lately)  
Deidara got hit on constantly and several people asked Hidan for autographs thinking he was some Renji person.  
I dont know what a Zabimaru is but considering it's Hidan, I can only assume it is a sexually transmitted disease of some kind  
It was all fun and games until the Hokage kicked them out.  
She commended me for my good behavior.

* * *

**January 12th  
**  
After a lovely night in Konohas most famous inn 'The Dead Missing N Inn" I decided to leave and return to the Akatsuki base.  
On the way out I came across the Penis-boy and set him on fire with Amaterasu.  
The pink haired medic nin was with him and clung to my arm while I walked through town.  
I almost regret that genjutsu.  
The real Naruto showed up and upon seeing Sakura hugging me, thought he was dreaming.  
After attempting to kiss her and being punched through several buildings, Naruto bid me farewell and continued on my way.

* * *

**January 14th  
**  
After much debate and discussion, we have decided to attempt to send Tobi to Konoha as a gift.  
I was initially against this idea (it being my super secret mission to keep the village safe) but agreed when I thought of the Penis-boy.

* * *

**January 17th  
**  
Well that was an abysmal failure.  
Tobi actually started telling the Hokage several of the Akatsukis goals and ambitions.  
If Zetsu hadn't of been spying on him, we would have been ratted out.  
I will be going to visit Naruto tomorrow to apologise to him for putting his sanity in jeopardy.

* * *

**January 19th  
**  
Itachi left his diary with me by accident sooo….  
I skipped ahead a month or two and wrote my own entries. He'll love em!  
It was Gaaras birthday today and I made him a sandwich. HAHA GET IT!

* * *

**January 20th  
**  
Itachi still hasn't come back to see me..  
Im sure he will realize his diary is missing at some point…  
Today I ate ramen and stole Kakashi senseis little orange book.  
I always wondered what it was abou- HOLY SHIT!

* * *

**January 21st**  
PENIS PENIS PENIS  
- The boy you keep mind fucking

* * *

**January 22nd  
**  
Err that last entry wasn't me.  
I accidentally left my diary at Sais apartment and he took advantage of it haha…  
I wish he wouldn't do that.  
He has no respect for my things

* * *

**January 23rd  
**  
After retrieving MY diary (Not yours Naruto…) and 'mind fucking' the Penis-boy, I shouted Naruto some ramen and went back to the base.  
I think I am starting to miss Konoha…  
It feel so much more like a home.

* * *

**January 24th  
**  
Today I feel exhausted for no apparent reason.  
I had Sasori consult with me (he is the closest thing to a doctor we have) and he did some (very uncomfortable) tests. The results of which, I am expecting tomorrow.  
It's probably just stress from dealing with Tobi but it doesn't hurt to be sure.

* * *

**January 25th  
**  
I have been shopping today.  
Normally I don't go shopping so I had Konan escort me.  
Among the things I purchased were:

Bottles  
Bibs and other baby clothes.  
A high chair  
A small blanket.

I have also sent a letter to Sasuke notifying him that he will soon be an uncle.

* * *

**January 26th**

Sasori is a bastard.  
After I told the entire base the good news, he broke it to me that I was not actually pregnant.  
After a recap of the male and female anatomy, I have come to realize that Sasuke is probably under the impression that I have a female companion with whom I have sexual relations.

I do not want him to be disappointed about not having a nephew (Nor do I want him to know that I was cruelly tricked into believing I was to be its bearer) hence, I must procreate as soon as possible in order to avoid ridicule and teasing.

As of today I will be desperately searching for a woman to bear my children.

* * *

**Okkkaaaay.**  
**So if you didnt notice, a lot of entries in this diary coincide with my other stories.**  
**If there is a certain diary entry that you feel deserves its own story then let me know in a review or PM.**  
**The 'Renji' person is a reference to Bleach. More specifically Renji Abarai. - Awesome guy haha**


	10. February

**Ok so February :D  
Itachis search for a woman continues.  
Kabutos and Konans birthday approaches annnnd Sasuke IS an uncle?  
Woah-hoh!  
I think I am losing my mind writing these things.  
Kept sane by listening to Sign!  
If anyone has any requests let me know (I will have three months during which time I will have NOTHING to do)**

* * *

**Feburary 1st**

My search for a suitable female companion so far has been fruitless.  
I ventured to the Village Hidden in the Sand and found a blonde woman with a strange hairstyle.  
She seemed charming enough but when I kindly asked her if she would bear my children she slapped me in the face with a giant fan.  
I have ruled out becoming acquainted with any of the ruffians in Suna, period.  
Sasori included.

* * *

**February 3rd**

Today my quest led me to Iwagakure.  
It was a sturdy enough little village but everyone there had long blonde hair, blue eyes and seemed strangely feminine.  
I took a chance and asked someone if they would aid me in achieving my goal only to be punched and called a queer.

* * *

**February 4th  
**  
I was back at the base today and decided that even though Sir Leader was Konans sorta-kinda-maybe-not-really boyfriend, I would try my luck.  
As it was she just looked at me strangely and walked away.  
Stunned into silence by my handsomeness I would say.

* * *

**February 5th  
**  
Because there have been no missions going out I informed Sir Leader of my adventure and bid him farewell until such a time that he needs me, more missions are given or I succeed in my journey.  
I was considering heading towards Lightning Country where the Raikage resides but it is too far away.

* * *

**February 6th  
**  
A letter from Orochimaru today informed me that he knew of my quest and would create a woman for me if I became pen pals with him.  
I was initially shocked and worried that he knew of my plight but in a small P.S down the bottom he promised he would not tell Sasuke of my predicament.

* * *

**February 8th  
**  
The Hidden Star Village was a little out of the way but may have proved useful in my search.  
Upon arriving I asked the village guards if there was anyone in the village whom was seeking companionship.  
I was pointed towards a small temple where there resided a person named Sora.  
I got halfway before I was asked by a woman what business I had.  
Upon explaining my plight, the woman looked at me strangely and informed me that Sora was not my type.  
I was yet again, stumped in my quest.

* * *

**February 9th  
**  
I contemplated going into Kirigakure but decided I hated it too much.  
It's a shame really, I could have asked Zabuza for advice. He has quite a strong and loving relationship with his partner Haku, I'm told.

* * *

**February 11th  
**  
The Village Hidden in the Waterfall and The Village Hidden in the Grass were always maybes.  
But when I remember what Kakuzu and Zetsu look like, I get put off going there.

* * *

**February 13th**

My aimless wanderings today had me stumble across a small village which allowed me to stop, eat dangos and clear my mind.  
I was, however, put off by the service.  
I really do not appreciate waitresses touching my knee, asking me about my personal life and whether I am single.  
Obviously, I told them to leave me alone…

Cant they see that I am trying to think up strategies to get a girlfriend?

* * *

**February 15th  
**  
After failing for almost two weeks, I decided I needed help.  
There was no one in the Akatsuki who was a romantic.  
Sasori likes dolls,  
Hidan kills his women,  
Kakuzu steals their hearts (Which would seem romantic if it wasn't in the literal sense)  
Zetsu eats them,  
I'm not quite sure what Pein and Konan do,  
Deidara blows up anyone who gets too close  
And I have NEVER seen Kisame with a willing woman.

To Konoha it is!

* * *

**February 16th  
**  
To my dismay, Sir Leader decided to destroy The Village Hidden in the Leaves while I was out.  
Naruto was too busy off doing something and pretty much everyone else was dead…  
Well damn.

* * *

**February 17th  
**  
Although I would never admit to anyone else that my quest was a failure, I have officially announced myself too good for any woman in the shinobi world.  
I sent a letter to Sasuke telling him that Kisames pet duck had laid eggs… And because of his natural affinity to ducks (More specifically their rear ends) that meant he was an uncle.  
Not embarrassing at all.

* * *

**February 18th  
**  
Konans birthday is the day after tomorrow.  
We have all decided, bar Sasori, to throw a magnificent birthday party for her.  
She always goes on rampage if we forget her birthday.  
In the Akatsuki we pride ourselves on never forgetting birthdays.

* * *

**February 19th  
**  
NEVER FORGETTING BIRTHDAYS!  
ITACHI YOU LITTLE ! $% %*(& AND I HOPE YOU ! %$ %!*(^$ WHILE YOU #%!*#^&% AND THEN !#%!#^&* ON YOUR #^*%# % WITH !$ &%()# AND THEN DIE IN A $^#^^$ HOLE!  
Love Sasori

* * *

**February 20th  
**  
Konans birthday was fairly uneventful.  
Sasori got torn to shreds with paper after 'forgetting' to buy Konan a present.  
It made it just that little bit funnier when Deidara told him that Konan was the only one who objected to not throwing Sasori a birthday party.  
If puppets could cry…

* * *

**February 21st  
**  
HI ITACHI! THIS IS NARUTO!  
I am actually writing this in January but you wont find it until February hahaha!  
Sai said to say he hates you an- wait that's not very nice…  
Sakura wants your brother in th- agh.,mg  
NO I DON'T.

* * *

**February 22nd  
**  
Oh that's what he meant by writing ahead in my diary...  
We received a letter in the post today from Orochimaru inviting us to Kabutos 23rd birthday.  
Personally I am excited by the prospect of seeing Sasuke again but everyone else seems strangely reluctant.  
I sent a response letter informing him that we will all be there.

* * *

**February 23rd  
**  
Due to Kabutos birthday being on the 29th and it not being a leap year, Orochimaru forwarded the event to take place on the 24th.  
Tomorrow! Splendid.

* * *

**February 24th  
**  
Kabutos birthday was lovely!  
Tobi was locked in a cell with snakes upon arriving, which worked well for everyone.  
We had to put Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu… Actually the entire Akatsuki except Kisame, Konan and I, in chakra cuffs so that they wouldn't destroy the base and ruin Kabutos party.  
Sasuke seemed disappointed about not being a 'true' uncle and voiced his annoyance to me.  
Orochimaru and I had a wonderful conversation on his numerous experiments and he took me to see one of them – a pretty girl with DNA of pretty much every respectable clan with a Kekkai Genkai.  
The Creepy-snake-man hinted that she was single so I tried to fish Kisame out of the crowd and lock them in a dark room together.  
It didn't work.

* * *

**February 25th  
**  
There isn't much to report today.  
Pein is not pleased with me after being locked in chakra cuffs for a day and banished me to my room.  
So as a result I have no important news…  
Damn Akatsuki…

* * *

**I know the Kisame/fish pun was a little silly... But oh well...**  
**And yes yes yes, my diary events coincide with my other stories but not the ACTUAL Naruto timeline..**  
**Well... Shut up...**  
**I'll be going away in 2 days for about 3 months and dont know when I will update next.**  
**Possibly, I shall die on the Tanami Track and **Itachis Diary of Doom, Operation: Kill Tobi **and **Divided Rivers Reunite in the Ocean **wil never be finished *gasp***  
**But I doubt it so never mind.  
Again, rates and reviews are loved, cherished, appreciated, adored and awesomeness-in-a-can so if you find the time, thank you :D**


	11. March

**Sooooo another chapter in Itachis Diary of Doom.  
The land of Lightning is too far away.  
Kisame 'accidentally' gets rid of their food supply  
And Hidan and Peins diary senses are tingling.  
As always leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep.  
BEEEP!**

* * *

**March 3****rd**

Today Kisame and I left on a mission to The Village Hidden in the Clouds.  
Not a smart move on our part.  
Lightning country is too far away so I don't expect us to be home anytime soon.

* * *

**March 4****th**

We walked today… That is all.

* * *

**March 6****th**

After stopping in a small town for refreshments and to stock up on our dwindling food supply, we were promptly chased out by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks after Kisame ate all the fish in the pet store.  
I am ignoring him now.

* * *

**March 7****th**

We are still walking today.  
Kisames futile attempts at making conversation eventually ended in me caving in and playing a game of I-spy.  
We kind of gave up after 'tree' came up the third time.  
**  
**

* * *

**March 8****th**

I hate Pein for sending me on this mission with Kisame… Seriously, what an asshole.  
Excuse my language, Kisame is becoming unbearable and his barbaric ways are rubbing off onto me.

_When you get back you will be punished  
-__**God**_

Unless you are Lord Jashin, you are not god fuckwit!  
**-Hidan**

How in Pein and Jashins name are you writing in my diary from wind country!  
**-Itachi  
**  
We are just cool like that, un  
**- The Sexy Blonde Bombshell**

Sexy my fucking ass…  
**-Hidan**

If you continue this I will Tsukuyomi all of you…  
**-Itachi**

* * *

**March 9****th**

After yesterdays disturbing events I have decided to keep my personal opinions of the other Akatsuki members to myself…

* * *

**March 11****th**

After Kisame confirming the definition of 'annoying', 'irritating', 'ugly' and 'dickish', I decided to confiscate his Samehada.  
**  
**

* * *

**March 12****th****  
**  
I have returned Kisames giant stupid sword.  
His crying was more irritating than his whining in the end.

* * *

**March 13****th**

Despite it being Kisames birthday in 5 days I am not going to buy him a present.  
I assume he realizes that the fact I haven't killed him yet is a gift from god in itself.

JASHIN, BITCH!  
**- Hidan**

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DIARY!  
**- A Very Annoyed Itachi.**

* * *

**March 15****th**

Still not in Lightning country…  
I am beginning to think Sir Leader just wanted to get rid of us…

* * *

**March 17****th**

Its Kisames birthday tomorrow.  
Despite my earlier statement I got him some more bandages for his sword.  
Only because some strange boy dressed all in green said he no longer needed them to wrap around his arms…  
I was grateful of course, until he started talking about youth and lotus flowers.  
I drew the line when the sun started to set at 1 in the afternoon and he ran off into it.

* * *

**March 19****TH**

I have decided that I will soon destroy the Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark that continues to follow me.  
I disowned him as my partner years ago but honestly… He is in his thirties… He needs to drop the 'teenager' act.

* * *

**March 21****st**

I am beginning to think that The Village Hidden in the Clouds doesn't actually exist…

* * *

**March 22****nd****  
**  
We ran out of food supplies today.  
Somewhere along the way Kisame informed me that his shark summons had been hungry so he had fed them our remaining food…  
I am not pleased.

* * *

**March 23****rd**

I am continuing to ignore Kisame after yesterdays food mishap.

* * *

**March 24****th**

Hunger is starting to take over.  
I have started being very nice to Kisame.  
It might have something to do with my increasingly strong cravings for sushi.  
**  
**

* * *

**March 25****th**

After a very long struggle today I managed to sever one of Kisames fingers.  
It didn't taste as good as I thought it would.

* * *

**March 26****th**

Im not quite sure where we are…  
The Blue Shark Man has been keeping his distance after yesterdays struggle.  
Maybe because I devoured one of his fingers… Maybe because I suggested we eat Samehada.

* * *

**March 27****th**

I didn't think I would have to do this but I have resorted to do what I assume is some kind of Hidan Summoning Jutsu.  
I am hoping that insulting Jashin will summon the greasy haired monkey into teleporting here…  
He is somehow able to write in my diary from wind country after all.

* * *

**March 28****th**

Well instead of Hidan being summoned after we insulted his god, Kisame and I just got struck by lightning.  
Whether it was divine intervention or because we are approaching Lightning Country is still unknown…

* * *

**Okay so that's that haha.  
I apologise if I have some of the birthdays wrong.  
I marked them all down on the calendar in my ipod for when I don't have internet and they are all under stupid names so that my family don't think Im weird for having Naruto characters birthdays marked down.  
Ill list some of them so you understand why I get confused:**

Ibiki is under 'Grumpy Pirate' because he has an eyepatch and is scary

Kakashi is under 'Scarecrow porn' for obvious reasons.

Choji is under 'Eat Stuff Then Roll On People'

Tsunade is under 'Drunken Boobie'

Kakuzu is under 'Money Thief Blanket Face'  
I'm still to figure out what some of them are… See if you can guess these ones:

**Mind Invader (23****rd**** Sept)**

**Human Magnet (19****th**** Sept)**

Kill things, Yay! (1**st**** Oct)**

Snake Pedophile (27**th**** Oct)**

Pig Holder (18**TH**** Nov)**

The Trap (4**th Jan****)**

Chew Things (17**th ****July)**

**(You would actually be helping me because I cant remember what I put them down as and can only open one webpage at a time on my stupid laptop and crappy connection…)**


	12. April

**Okay so another year will be done.**  
**Thanks to everyone who rated, reveiwed, complained etc :D**  
**Uhh so this is the last month of the "yearly" cycle.**  
**I am doing all this in a scary, dark, bleak, drippy, weird internet cafe so be grateful everyone! **

* * *

**April 1st**

Kisame and I have decided that The Village Hidden in the Clouds is too far away and as a result, have decided to abort the mission.

* * *

**April 2nd  
**  
Today is Hidans birthday.  
I never liked Hidan.  
No birthday present for him.

Fuck you pink eye!  
**- Sexy priest**

GET OUT OF MY DIARY!  
**- Itachi**

Hows the food situation coming along?  
**- Super sexy priest**

I will buy you a birthday present in exchange for food.  
**- A very hungry Itachi**

Not a fucking chance.  
**- Super special sexy awesome chocolatey fudge coated mega super Priest**

I hate you  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**April 3rd  
**  
We still have no food.  
This worries me greatly because while I had a small meal of roasted finger, Kisame still hasn't eaten.  
I feel very vulnerable walking next to a hungry shark man.

* * *

**April 4th**

In an effort to appease Kisames hunger, I attempted to extract some termites from a termite mound.  
I'm not quite sure if they are edible, in fact I think they are poisonous…  
oh well.

* * *

**April 5th**

It would seem that the termites were aware of my plans and took counter measures.  
We are currently being attacked by a swarm of bees that are obviously hell bent on getting revenge on behalf of their termite buddies.

* * *

**April 6th**

After a very tiring day I became too tired to navigate. Despite knowing how stupid Kisame is with directions, I no longer care.  
If he gets us lost then at least I can blame it on him.

* * *

**April 7th**

I woke up this morning to Kisame shaking pepper over me.  
It must be a family tradition that the Hoshigaki clan practice.  
Nice to see that he has gotten over his family's demise and is carrying on their legacy.

* * *

**April 8th**

Ahaha!  
This is Naruto in Itachis Diary!  
I'm writing this in… December or something… So it will be a surprise when you read it!  
**- Naruto**

Oh… Okay… I had nothing important to write today anyway.  
**- A not very surprised Itachi  
**

* * *

**April 9th**

Today we stumbled across the Yuendumu tree.  
The sap from this tree has similar effects to that of alcohol.  
After getting Kisame completely inebriated, I ditched him.

* * *

**April 10th**

To my delight, after abandoning Kisame I was reunited with my good friends, Team 7.  
The pink haired flowery person still believes me to be Sasuke and for lack of a better word, glomped me on sight.  
Naruto too joined in on the glomping, having not seen me since Janurary.  
The penis boy apparently thought it was the normal social convention to glomp people after lengthy absences so he too, hugttacked me.  
I was however, chased away soon afterwards by a very confused Copy Nin.

* * *

**April 11th**

After explaining me predicament to a very understanding Naruto (who had used his infamous clone replacement jutsu) he gave me some food and water and allowed me to continue on my way.  
He tried to insist on getting one of Kakashis ninja hounds to accompany me as a seeing eye dog but I politely refused.  
My eyesight is as good as ever.

* * *

**April 12th**

Upon getting my bearings correct, I convinced the Penis boy to fly me to the Akatsuki base on one of his ink creatures.  
We made a truce.  
I shall not mind fuck him and he shall not write penis in my diary.

* * *

**April 13th**

I arrived at the base today.  
Apparently, 5 minutes after I abandoned the Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark, a rescue team had been sent by Pein to retrieve us…  
Which means of course, I spent 4 days wandering around hungrily whilst Kisame sat comfortably in the base with as much food as he wanted (and Kakuzu allowed)  
I am of course, going to kill them all.

* * *

**April 14th  
**  
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS  
**-Love Sai.**

… How do people manage to write in my diary from hundreds of miles away…?  
**- A baffled Uchiha.**

* * *

**April 15th**

Against my better judgement, I have allowed Deidara to look after my diary whilst I go on a mission.  
Why Deidara?  
Kisame is likely to tear it to shreds with his awful spelling and impending vendetta against me.  
Sasori is just as likely to destroy it, still being sore about the birthday mishap.  
Hidan would probably fill it with profanities and hair gel tips.  
Kakuzu will use it to write down his bills and sums.  
Konan will fill it with… girly things… And use the paper for her own benefit.  
I flat out don't trust Tobi or Zetsu  
Leader sama will probably destroy it upon reading its contents…  
Yes… Deidara shall do nicely.

* * *

**April 16th**

Art is a superior thing that cannot be learnt through observation and practice.  
It is the creation of something beautiful that only I can accomplish.  
Sasori no dannas art is interesting, but far from beautiful…  
Seriously danna, un… Hiruko is the ugliest puppet in existence.  
Who wants THAT to be around forever…?  
Art is a BANG!

* * *

**April 17th**

I now declare Itachis diary a forum!  
**- Deidara.  
**  
Dear shitty artist.  
You cant fucking declare it Blondie, it was gonna happen anyway shithead.  
**- The sexy priest.  
**  
Dear Ugly Priest.  
I did just declare it! Burn in hell.**  
- The Blonde Bombshell**

Dear Girly suicide bomber  
I will never burn in hell cause I cant fucking die.  
**- Awesomely hot Hidan.**

Dear Asshole.  
I am not girly! I'm glad you cant die. It means I can blow you to pieces over and over.  
**- Deidara who is not a girl.**

Dear Deidara, who is a girl.  
Not girly my fucking ass. You straighten your hair in the mornings!  
AND YOU SHAVE YOUR FUCKING LEGS!  
**- The very manly Hidan.**

* * *

**April 18th**

Dear Faggot,  
I don't shave my legs! The razor is to scrape off the splinters in Sasori no Dannas wood.  
At least I don't gel my hair to the consistency of diamonds.**  
- Deidara, the manly sexy blonde who does not shave his legs.**

Dear Deidara, the girl ugly blonde who does shave his legs.  
I saw you, you fucking assh-

* * *

**April 19th**

Never again will my diary be entrusted to Deidara…  
It was better off with Naruto.

* * *

**April 20th**

I caught the senbon chewing shinobi ruffling through my things today.  
Silly creature, but no matter. It will be trained to do my bidding.

* * *

**April 21st**

I stumbled across Orochimaru today.  
He was rustling through the papers on Peins desk trying to find information on our organization.  
It sounded like a legit excuse.  
So I helped him.  
Just as well too. Apparently he was in dire need of those papers and he gave me a muffin afterwards.

* * *

**April 22nd**

I am not a pet.  
But I will bite you if you pet me again  
**-Genma**


	13. May: A Whole Year

**May 1st**

I have come to realize that that it has been a year since I began writing a diary, during which I have made exactly 200 entries, including this one… Clearly, I have no life.  
I may have a party.

* * *

**May 2nd**

A run in with a spider today alerted us to Kisames previously unknown arachnophobia.  
I don't mind killing the big ones (Tsukuyomiing a spider is very amusing)  
but he should at least TRY and kill the small ones…

* * *

**May 3rd**

Apparently today was International Shark Day which according to Kisame, means we have to buy fish for our sharks and treat them nicely and with respect…  
I'm not buying it.

* * *

**May 4th**

Today I woke up to Hidan sneaking more lemon juice into my eye drops.  
That bastard will pay…

* * *

**May 5th**

I actually forgot that today was Deidaras birthday.  
Good thing I have lots of emergency presents for when I forget birthdays.  
I think I gave him Kakuzus emergency present by mistake though.  
Oh well. Deidara is pleased that he has a 500$ check.

* * *

**May 6th**

In my quest for vengeance, I stole Hidans scythe and pendant and have hidden them.

* * *

**May 7th**

I don't want to talk to you at the moment you fucking arsehole.  
If I don't get my shit back in an hour I'll fuck with you so bad that you wont be able to walk.  
**- Pissed off Hidan.**

Eetarchee iz a baad boi  
**-Tobi**

Shut up all of you, if my ears weren't wooden they would be bleeding.  
-**Sasori**

For once I agree… Your writing toooooooooooooootally hurts my ears.  
**- Deidara**

Just leave Itachis diary alone… Honestly, let the guy write.  
The more pages you waste the more books I'll have to buy.  
**-Kakuzu**

* * *

**May 8th**

I hate the other Akatsuki…  
I am giving this book to the Senbon Chewing Shinobi to look after.  
I am very fond of him and I think he likes me too.  
Our pet/owner relationship is brbrilliantly

* * *

**May 9th**

I STILL WANT MY SCYTHE AND ROSARY BACK ASSHOLE!  
I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS GOING TO FUCK WITH YOU!  
**- HIDAN, BITCH**

Tha ownli 1 woo can fuck Itarchee iz me…  
**-Kissamee**

What the fuck!  
Too much information!  
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL YOUR OWN NAME!  
**- Deidara**

Eye neva whent 2 pree-skool.  
**-Kissamee**.

What the hell? Kissamee?  
If I didn't know any better I would say you just want people to kiss you, Kiss-a-me  
Subliminal messaging, yay!  
**-Sasori**

I don't know what any of you are talking about but it scares me…  
It scares me a lot..  
**- Genma**

Who is Genma?  
**-Deidara**

Genma? We must have a spy in our ranks. I'll notify leader-sama and we will hunt him down and kill him!  
**-Sasori**

It sounds like enema to me…  
I suggest we run…  
**- Konan**

HELL YES RITUAL TIME!  
**- Hidan**

YAY VIOLENCE!  
**- Kakuzu**

I hate life…  
**- Senbon Chewing Shinobi.**

* * *

**May 10th**

We still have not located the spy in our group. Personally I think it is Sasori.  
I gave in to Hidans whining and gave him back his belongings.  
He is worse than Kisame…. I didn't think he would cry…

* * *

**May 11th**

Somehow I appear to have lost my ring.  
This is unfortunate because it means I cannot project during our meetings.  
Much to my annoyance I am going to have to ask Orochimaru if I can borrow hi-…  
Never mind. Apparently Kisame put it in his fish tank to compensate for his fish that I Tsukuyomiid.  
How immature.

* * *

**May 12th**

To punish Kisame for his insolence, I have given his fish to Hidan for his monthly sacrifices.

* * *

**May 13tg**

Eye tayk bak enithing good eye eva said about u Itarchee.  
Eye hayte u.  
**- Kisame.**

* * *

**May 14th**

After listening to several hours of Kisame crying in our bedroom, Sasori convinced me to do something nice for Kisame to make up for his punishment, no matter how much he deserves it.  
I bought about 50 fish for his tank to replace the 3 that I gave to Hidan.

* * *

**May 15th**

Eye tayk bak wat eye took bak about u Itarchee.  
Eye luv u.  
**- Kissamee.**

* * *

**May 16th**

Insolent fool.

* * *

**May 17th**

Hidan made a bet with me today.  
He bet me that what the Akatsuki sneakily write in my diary is innocent and tame and that if I could find someone who takes better care of my diary than he would, he will supply me with a month of dangos.  
I know just who to entrust my diary to.  
For if I lose I shall have to become a Jashinist.

* * *

**May 18th**

Okay… So today I uhhh…  
What did I do today…?  
I don't remember… I'll write again tomorrow!

* * *

**May 19th**

Okay! This time I know what I did today!  
I had a fight with Sai because he called me gay and tried to kiss me.  
I got punched by Sakura for no reason and I had a rock-paper-scissors fight with Bushybrows.  
WHICH I WON!

* * *

**May 20th**

Some weird guy with silver hair told me to lend this diary to him tomorrow.  
I didn't want to at first in case Itachi nii-san gets angry, but the guy said he'd give me free ramen for a week.  
Sorry Itachi…

* * *

**oMay 21st**

I like orange and noodles DATTEBAYO!

* * *

**May 22nd**

Girls with pink hair turn me on and creepy pale guys who like penises scare the fuck outta me.  
But I'd still tap it! DATTEBAYO

* * *

**May 23rd**

One of my friends likes fucking dogs DATTEBAYO

* * *

**May 24th**

My sensei is a creepy pedophile pervert man who reads badly written porn and shit like that.  
DATTEBAYO

* * *

**May 25th**

I FUCKING HATE THE DEER BOY WHO HAS A PINEAPPLE FOR A HEAD!  
SUCK A COCK ASSHOLE!  
DATTE-FUCKING-BAYO

* * *

**May 26th**

It would seem that Hidan is cheating…  
Doesn't matter anyway.  
He gave up on the bet once he realized that supplying me with amonths worth of dangos Is cheaper than supplying Naruto with aweeks worth of ramen.

* * *

**May 27th**

Due to Trigger being tired and neglecting to influence my diary writing, I have decided that next time I see said author they will get a smack… across the face… from Hidan. (who has massive muscles and is sculpted like a god… DATTEBAYO!)  
Enjoy.

* * *

**May 28th**

Due to my breaking the fourth wall yesterday, Leader-sama has decreased my pay and sent me to the naughty corner…  
Tobi is happy to finally have company.


	14. June: Orochimarus New Village

**Okay so this has been a long time in the making.  
My bad…  
I have had a bit of writers block lately which is quite unusual…  
It must have something to do with all the red sand of the desert filling up my brain.  
It doesn't. Come. Out.  
Anyhoo, thank you to everyone who has subscribed and reviewed Itachis Diary of Doom in the last few months and a BIG thank you (and apology) to everyone who has been patient in waiting for this chapter…  
Except for that one person that sent me the death threat…  
That wasn't nice.  
But it motivated me to finish this nonetheless so…  
Thanks to you too!  
I would also like to take this time to complain to someone…ANYONE… about how bad the sandflies are here… My whole body has been reduced to an itchy mosquito bite type thing…**

* * *

**June 1****st**

I received a letter from Sasuke today telling me that he has killed Orochimaru and destroyed the Village Hidden in the Sound.  
I can only assume this is a lie to make me fear him because said Sannin is sitting across from me drinking tea.

* * *

**June 2****nd**

After going back to his base and finding it deserted, Orochimaru decided that his efforts on the building would be better spent converting it into something else. He asked me for my opinion so I gave it to him.  
The renovations will begin immediately.

* * *

**June 3****rd**

Today Pein declared a bounty upon Kakuzus head after he apparently bankrupted the Akatsuki.  
Due to this, there has been a change in partners and all our current missions are on halt as we instead become temporary bounty hunters in order to restore our monies.

* * *

**June 4****th**

As expected, Hidan is barely coping with becoming Tobis new partner.  
So upset is he, that he has actually been crying for Kakuzu to come back and begging Jashin to deliver him from the evil clutches of Tobi who he is convinced, is the devil.

* * *

**June 5****th****  
**  
After much debate and discussion, we have decided to relocate to The Village Hidden in the Sound to assist Orochimaru in his renovations.  
This decision came about as it was discovered our current base in Konoha has a nasty case of termites and that Sasori has contracted them.

Its like having crabs, yeah… Puppet style!**  
- He who has not got crabs, Deidara**

That's it… I'm hiding your explosive clay you egotistical, narcissistic, impudent jerk.  
**- Sasori, who also does not have crabs.  
**

* * *

**June 7****th**

Today is actually June the 6th but I had to tear that page out.  
Mainly because when Deidara read the last entry (June the 5th) in which Sasori notifies him that his clay has been hidden, the foolish little terrorist cried all over my diary.  
Hence, resulting in a wet page that proved useless to write upon.

* * *

**June 8****th**

Much to Sasori, Kisame, Deidara and my owns disappointment, Kakuzu returned today.  
Apparently, he couldn't stand the thought of something he was once a part of going bankrupt and brought back several large bounties to get us up and running again.  
He seemed to reconsider his decision on returning when Hidan hugged him and asked if he was single.

* * *

**June 9****th****  
**  
It was a fairly uneventful day today.  
We packed up our things, tried to lock Tobi in the base and left for the Village Hidden in the Sound.  
Upon arriving we had crumpets and tea with Orochimaru and Kabuto.

* * *

**June 10****th**

Today we worked around what Pein is hinting is our new base.  
I helped Orochimaru and Kisame install the lighting system whilst Sasori and Deidara painted the rooms to brighten them up and Hidan and Kakuzu bought chairs, tables and bar stools for effect.  
The place is coming along nicely.

* * *

**June 11****th**

Hidan didn't leave his room today.  
I initially thought it was because he was lazy and had no wish to work until I noticed Kakuzus smug grin.  
Apparently, he had somehow 'proven' the Jashin wasn't actually real.

* * *

**June 12****th**

Still no sign of Hidan.  
Sasoris termite problem has been resolved.  
After a few days of trying to poison the little bastard insects out, Deidara and I decided it would be better to give Sasori an entirely new body.  
He seems pleased enough to be able to create a new body by himself (Honestly when it comes to wanting new bodies, Sasori and Orochimaru were the perfect partners in the old days) but has refused to speak to any of us after we placed his heart container into what appeared to be an over grown Barbie with only one leg.

* * *

**June 13****th****  
**  
With the help of the Akatsuki, The Village Hidden in the Sounds renovations are almost complete.  
I can hardly wait until it is finished.  
It's a pity Sasuke did not stay around to enjoy it.  
He needs the sort of service we will soon be providing.

* * *

**June 14****th**

Today Hidan reappeared, slapped Kakuzu in the face, claimed him to be a blasphemer and hence, would not listen to him anymore (despite his joy upon being reunited with him a week ago)  
To Kakuzus exasperation, he is continuing to worship Jashin.

* * *

**June 15****th**

Pein eventually came to the conclusion today that once The Village Hidden in the Sound is finished, we shall have limited bases to stay in.  
Sir Leader questioned Sasori about the country he had apparently invaded and defeated with his puppet army, only to have a Barbie leg slap him across the face (Much to Konans joy)

* * *

**June 16****th****  
**  
After much coaxing and questioning, Sasori has explained to us about his country.  
Apparently, Sasori created his own out of a square metre of grass, invaded it, destroyed its inhabitants (which was a few ants and a spider) and declared it his.  
There is currently a metre large patch of space somewhere in Wind Country called "Sasori Land"  
As a result of this, we still have limited bases in which to stay.

* * *

**June 17****th**

Today Kisame and I went down to the docks to hand out flyers for Orochimarus new pad.  
All was well until several fishermen captured Kisame, claiming him to be a shark and attempted to dissect him.  
Luckily for Kisame, Samehada ate them all…  
Apparently it can do that.  
I am distancing myself from Samehada.

* * *

**June 18****th****  
**  
Today, we finished the renovations on The Village Hidden in the Sound.  
Tomorrow it shall be rechristened and its doors opened to all.  
Orochimaru has already hired several new workers, some of which he created himself so he would have exactly what he was looking for.  
Personally, I am very excited for opening night.

* * *

**June 19****th**

There are hundreds of people queuing up outside the doors to get into the newly renovated Village.  
Even Sasuke has shown up.  
He was at first, confused and angry to see Orochimaru alive and well, then shocked and surprised at the new changes we have made in the village.  
Despite my (and everyone elses) protesting, he decided not to stay.  
It's a pity really.

* * *

**June 20****th****  
**  
After just a day of being open, The Village Hidden in the Strippers is already the most popular in the region.  
**  
**

* * *

**June 21****st**

Despite being welcomed to stay for a few more weeks, we decided that we (most of us) didn't particularly enjoy staying in the spare room Orochimaru provided in the Village Hidden in the Strippers.  
All of us, bar Hidan, Deidara and Kisame, had a terrible nights sleep due to over excessive noise and strange moaning sounds I heard from Kisames room on my left and Deidaras on my right.  
The mindless screaming of agony from Hidans across the hall was nothing new.  
We will be leaving tomorrow.  
**  
**

* * *

**June 22****nd**

Fuq yess! Orsum nite! Eye wont 2 liv hear 4eva!  
**- Kissamee**

For once I agree with you fishface. Last night was fucking dope!  
**- A Very Pleased Hidan.**

Felt sooo good…  
**- A Very Very Pleased Deidara**

Far too noisy, we are leaving. **  
- Sasori, Konan, Pein, Itachi, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Tobi.**

For once something epic happens and then we have to leave!? Noooooooooooooooo…  
**- Genma, The Senbon Chewing Shinobi**

We have two Senbon Chewing Shinobis?  
**- Entire Akatsuki**

* * *

**June 23rd**

We travelled today and have set up camp in the woods.  
Hidan is irritated because he cant wash his hair.  
Zetsu is irritated because we sat on the grass.  
Kakuzu is irritated that we didn't ask for shares in Orochimarus strip club.  
Deidara is really itchy around his belly button and legs and is hence, irritated.  
Sasori needed to replace several body parts after last nights noise made some of them crack while Hidan, Kisame and Deidara borrowed some of the others…  
Kisame is still having a sharkgasm  
Pein has a head ache  
Konan has began a poll as to whether there should have been male strippers as well (no takers as yet)  
I am just tired.

* * *

**June 24****th****  
**  
We have decided to set up base near The Village Hidden in the Grass for reasons that elude me.  
Almost all of us are allergic to pollen and there are flowers everywhere.  
Deidara is now itchy all over his ENTIRE body due to the plants that have been brushing against us and will not be quiet.

* * *

**June 25****th**

Despite my protests, I have been cruelly tricked and bribed with dangos to take Deidara to the doctors for his itching problems, the results of which we should get back tomorrow.

* * *

**June 26****th**

In an amusing twist of fate, it seems that after his enjoyable night in The Village Hidden in the Strippers, Deidara has contracted crabs.  
Sasori has yet to stop laughing.  
**  
**

* * *

**Ok, you know how it goes.  
Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!  
(Insert beep sound here)**


	15. July of the Second Year

**Its getting harder and harder to write the Diary of Doom.  
I may be getting low on ideas and as a result, seem to be completely rewriting the Naruto storyline…  
Terrible.  
Anyway, enjoy the next installment of Itachis Diary of Doom!**

* * *

**July 1st**

Unfortunately for me, Kisame has decided that we shall not break tradition and that he will be dragging me all the way to Kirigakure to visit his parents… graves.  
As a result of this, I will of course be taking this here diary in order to vent my suicidal thoughts onto the paper.

* * *

**July 2****nd****  
**  
Due to Kisame breaking the 'No Sharks Allowed in the Base' rule we will now be leaving on the 14th while he serves his time as the Prisoner of Akatsukiban.  
Despite my size, I have decided that when we leave, I will carry the 10kg bag of food that we usually take with us.  
I will not risk us running out of food again. Kisames finger tasted awful and upon reflection, I gag when I think about where it may have been…

* * *

**  
July 3****rd****  
**  
I have only just realized that Kisame is a terrible snorer…  
He kept me awake all last night and because of this, I have bloodshot eyes.  
I hope he understands that I will have to destroy him now.

* * *

**July 4****th**

We have things to discuss.  
**- Pein (aka God)**

How many fucking times do we need to have this 'god' discussion!?  
**- Hidan**

There is only one God!  
**- Pein, who is god.**

Quiet fools! Buddha is the only god!  
**- Sasori  
**

Buddha? Seriously, yeah?  
**- Deidara**

Yes Buddha! Who do you worship Crab-boy?  
- **Sasori  
**

I DON'T HAVE CRABS!  
**- Deidara**

Anymore...  
**- Sasori**

Shut up you fucking asshole! Hidan and Kisame have had them waaaaay more times than me!  
-** Deidara**

How the fuck do you know I've had crabs!?**  
- Hidan, who does not have crabs.**

I read your diary…  
**- Deidara**

….Why would you do that….?  
**- Hidan…**

Woah! Hidan has a diary too!? I gotta check this out!  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi and Konan**

I was going to write what was for dinner in Itachis diary because it's probably the best announcement board in the entire base but…  
**- Kakuzu…**

FOOD!? FUCK YES! Whats for dinner Frankenstein!?  
**- Hidan**

Crabs…  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**July 5****th**

Today Sir Leader led a meeting about us having to find new bases.  
I suppose it makes sense.  
Our base in Sunagakure was destroyed when Tobi blew it up.  
The Lightning Country base is too far away,  
Iwagakure had Deidaraphobia,  
Kirigakure is off the mainland which means the base there is only useful as a temporary station.  
And The Village Hidden in the Strippers is too noisy…  
I suggested Sasori Land but other than Sasori himself, no one wanted to go...

* * *

**  
July 6****th****  
**  
Today I met up with Naruto near Konoha.  
We were fairly bored and each had a week off so we have decided that we will spend it 'hanging out' together.

* * *

**July 7****th****  
**  
Naruto and I have started making a song.  
It began when he tried to rant about bringing Sasuke back and has turned out ingeniously!  
Well… The three lines we have so far come up with anyway…

_I'm bringin' Sasuke back!  
Yeah!  
Orochimaru don't know how to act!  
Yeah!  
Use my jutsus and pick up the slack!_

* * *

**July 8****th**

Today I tried to give Naruto hints as to who his parents were.  
I started off by saying, "You know, you look just like the 4th Hokage."  
After he replied, "I know! But nahh…" I couldn't resist slapping him.

* * *

**July 9****th**

I have decided to introduce Naruto to the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi.  
Personally, I think they will get along wonderfully so I will be taking Naruto to the base to meet him in the morning.

* * *

**July 10****th**

I knew they would get along but I didn't expect the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi to tackle Naruto in a hug and claim that he 'thought he would never see him again"  
Naruto has nicknamed him 'Genma' which makes me wonder if he was the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis previous owner.  
I'm sure I have heard him refer to himself as 'Genma' on previous occasions.

* * *

**July 11****th**

After a bit of convincing, I allowed the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi to accompany Naruto and I for the rest of our holiday (which is only 2 days longer) Hence, I will allow them to input in my diary for the next 48 hours if they wish… Although I allow Naruto to anyway.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDOOOOOOO OOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!  
**- Senbon-Chewi-… Genma!**

* * *

**July 12th**

Today the three of us realized that we cant keep spending money on motels whenever we want a holiday so we decided to build a tree house.  
It would have taken most of the day but Narutos shadow clones built it in an hour…  
We are now lounging in a three story tree mansion.

Note to Itachi:  
Pwease let me stay in the tree mansion foreva?  
**- Genma**

* * *

**July 13****th****  
**  
Naruto reminded me that Sasukes birthday was in a little over a week so the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi and I rushed around searching for presents for him.  
Personally, I got him what I thought he needed and would enjoy the most.  
A 'Buy-One-Get-One-Free' voucher for the Village Hidden in the Strippers.

* * *

**  
July 14****th****  
**  
We parted ways with Naruto today and headed back to the base in time for me to leave with Kisame to visit his parents.  
I said my goodbyes to the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi that I am getting into the habit of nicknaming 'Genma' and Kisame and I set off on our shitty little quest.

* * *

**July 15****th**

On our way to Kirigakure we stumbled across Deidara and Sasori.  
After much bribing I managed to get a lift to The Village Hidden in the Mist via clay bird.  
At least this way the torturous task of visiting Kisames family grave will be over faster.

* * *

**July 20****th**

Apparently the horror of visiting the graves of Kisames parents was so terrifying that I have repressed any memory of it.  
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark tells me that he went to the bathroom and when he came back I was graffitting the gravestones of his parents, writing things such as "Master Splinter requests your presence" and "Stay tuned for Jaws the sequel!"…  
That part I do remember…  
Heh heh…

* * *

**July 21****st**

Orochimaru has kindly offered to close the Village Hidden in the Strippers for a day on the 23rd so that we can celebrate Sasukes birthday. We will be having my own party on the same day because on the 9th of June we spent the day travelling to the village previously known as Otogakure (Village of Sound) to visit said snake man.

* * *

**July 22****nd****  
**  
The Akatsuki once again visited the Village Hidden in the Strippers to prepare for tomorrows party.  
Unfortunately, it is still running tonight so we have had to lock Kisame, Deidara, Hidan and the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi in their rooms lest they all get STDs.

* * *

**July 23****rd**

Today was wonderful.  
Unfortunately, Sasuke bought me a Buy-One-Get-One-Free voucher for the Village Hidden in the Strippers as well.  
So we (I) have decided to spend tomorrow as Brothers Day where we shall both uhh… enjoy our presents…  
If it wasn't rude to give away presents I would have given Sasukes gift to Kakuzu by now. (He loves buy-one-get-one-free vouchers)  
The party itself was lovely.  
Naruto, Sakura and Sai showed up as well and the Akatsuki made a temporary peace agreement with them.  
My genjutsu still held sway and so Sakura got a nosebleed upon seeing two Sasukes and continuously tried to corner me and my foolish little brother in secluded areas.  
I would ask Orochimaru to forcefully pair Sasuke and Sakura together as mates if I wasn't terrified of the thought of them having children that looked like Sasuke with pink hair.

I love this place!  
**- Deidara**

Its not as fun as Sasori Land…  
**- Sasori**

Mine is indeed a tortured existence… Filled with torment and girls… girls with their breasts… they torment me so.  
Curse you Sasukes brother!  
**- Sasuke**

* * *

**July 24****th**

Regrettably, Sasuke disappeared this morning.  
This means that we shall have to reschedule Brothers Day to another date.  
He left a note stating that he doesn't like strippers.  
The tiny drop of blood in the corner comes from a nosebleed I'm sure, because he wrote the note on the back of one of Orochimarus pamphlets that has very graphics images of the services he provides.  
I wont have to wait long…  
He will succumb…

* * *

**So there you go.  
Obviously I have parodied the song "Sexy Back" (if you didn't pick that up)  
So thank Justin Timberlake for that one.  
After much reading etc, I came to realize that almost everyone had a Harry Potter/Naruto cross over story.  
I didn't want to make one so I referenced it secretly instead…  
I assure you that contrary to popular belief, Sirius Black was in fact, from Akatsukiban and not Azkaban.  
Sasukes entry was a quote from Little Kuribohs Ninjabridge series on youtube.  
I thought it was relevant – check it out, it's the funniest series ever!  
Can someone who knows Japanese work out what the word for 'strippers' is so I can put 'gakure' on the end… Its tiring writing out The Village Hidden in the Strippers all the time haha!  
I'm sorry for the lack of quality this month, I have writers block and I realize now that I foolishly have 4 or 5 incomplete stories that I am writing for…  
Despicable I know!  
**


	16. August: Rise of Hidan

**Well… this is just a months dedication to Hidan because today is the 15****th**** of August, which is Kakuzus birthday.  
This means that Blanketface would much rather his annoying partner be busy doing something other than bothering him, sooooo…  
I gave him Itachis diary…**

* * *

**August 1st**

Okay well fucking Frankenstein gave me this shitty little book to write in when I am feeling 'angry' and stuff.  
Apparently its supposed to help me reflect on my mistakes or some bullshit.  
I'm pretty sure he just stole Itachis diary to save money.  
Well… If fucking Pinkeye can do it then I can do it a fuck load better!

* * *

**August 2****nd**

Argh… What to write about… Well first off, Blondie stole my hair gel and hair straightener which means my hair is fucking curly and all over the place.  
Then Frankenstein and Pinocchio wouldn't give me food when I didn't come out of the room, THEN Leader-fucking-sama made me clean the bathroom – without food, without hair products and WITHOUT CLEANING SHIT!  
FUCK THE AKATSUKI

* * *

**  
August 3****rd**

I caught the OreoMan watering the plants with my shampoo thinking it was fertaliser this morning... Seriously, what the fuck!? Is he trying to say my hair smells like plant food!?

* * *

**  
August 4****th**

Basketball face is a fucking dickhead asshole buttpirate bitchface FUCK!  
AND IM GONNA FUCKING SACRIFICE HIM TO JASHIN!

* * *

**  
August 5****th****  
**  
Stop calling us names you jackass! My name is Deidara… DEIDARA! Get it through your stupid fucking skull!  
**- NOT BLONDIE – DEIDARA**

I agree with Deidara for once… My name is SASORI NOT PINOCCHIO!  
-** SASORI**

Apparently we all need to reintroduce ourselves… I am your unlucky partner, KAKUZU! AND IF YOU MESS WITH MY HEART MEDS AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU!  
**- KAKUZU**

My nam_e_ _is Zetsu_… _Not Ore_oMan… AS_SHOLE_  
**-Zetsu**

* * *

**August 6****th**

Well now I know how Pinkey- I mean… Itachi felt… Fucking dickholes… Seriously, diaries are supposed to be private…

* * *

**August 7****th**

I don't think Itachi realizes that stupid Blanketface gave his diary to me for the month.  
He'll probably SkinnyYolky or Hamandpazu me when he finds out.

Its Tsukuyomi and Amaterasu, Hidan… And I suggest you get our names right if you want to keep your head on your shoulders.  
**- Kakuzu**

Shut the fuck up dickhole! I don't give a shit what Pinkeye calls his arson techniques or the name of his 'Mind-fuck-no-jutsu'  
And don't threaten me! I'll fucking kill you!  
**- The Awesome One.**

* * *

**August 9th**

I'm fucking sick of writing in this piece of shit but Frankenstein is standing behind me making sure I write.  
Today Itachi accused me of stealing his diary which is absolute bullshit because it was Kakuzu, not me.  
Seriously… Always putting the blame on me, you assholes.

* * *

**August 11****th**

The last two pages got ripped out because Blondie and Pinocchio 'took offense' to some of the awesome shit I wrote. So Im gonna copy it back out now…

_Sasori and Deidara sitting in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G  
First comes wood, then comes clay  
Then comes moaning from their room all day!_

Best fucking poem ever!  
I was gonna make one for Pinkeye and Fishface but it creeped me out thinking about it.

* * *

**  
August 14****th**

I haven't been ABLE to write for the last few days even if I WANTED to!  
Who the fuck cuts someones head off just because they hide all your money and copy out quotes from the Jashinist bible all over their room!?  
Seriously!

* * *

**  
August 15****th**

Today was Kakuzus birthday.  
I didn't feel like getting him some random shit that he will throw out so I hijacked his own safe and gave him 1000$ out of it.  
Stupid fuck thinks his security system is so awesome.

* * *

**August 17th**

_****_I fucking hate Konan.

* * *

**August 19****th**

Pinkeye found out I have his diary.

Not that I really give a shit.  
I told him it was Kakuzus fault so that greedy fucking asshole can deal with him.

* * *

**  
August 21****st****  
**  
Today we went to the zoo cause we fucking could.  
Stupid fucking Tobi got us kicked out though because he kept slapping at the butterflies in the butterfly house.  
He killed about 40 before the overlords of the zoo figured it out.

* * *

**  
August 22****nd  
**  
I'm sick of this shit.  
Itachi can have his shitty little diary back for all I care.  
The only time I have ever written something this long was when the bitch of a teacher at little school mademe write out an essay on why it was bad to flush class pets down the toilet.

* * *

**  
August 24****th**

God forbid anyone ever steal my diary again…

JASHIN IS THE ONLY GOD YOU STUPID FUCK! IM CLAIMING THIS DIARY BACK!  
**- Hidan  
**

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!**  
-Itachi  
**

Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!  
**- Hidan  
**

Shut the fuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!**  
- Deidara  
**

I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaall!**  
- Genma**

Who the fuck is Genmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!?**  
- Akatsuki**

* * *

**Yeah I ended it lamely…**  
**But oh well…**  
**I hope you liked it anyway.**  
**Even Hidan needs to vent sometimes.**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**


	17. September: The Imposter

**So this month the Akatsuki face the terror that is The Imposter.  
This month is filled with a lot of back and forth banter between the Akatsuki and I seem to be doing that more and more as the diary progresses.  
So… If you don't like it – I'm sorry…  
But if you do well… Yay!  
Chapter dedicated to **_**Mysterious-butterfly,**_** for threatening me with death if I slack off in writing and **_**SaRang Child**_**, whom I promised I would update asap!  
Anyway, enjoy as always!**

* * *

**September 1****st**

To my dismay, Sasori found that during the time Hidan spent writing in my diary, he actually became slightly less violent around the base.  
He then of course, asked me to allow Deidara to attempt the same exercise as Hidan.  
I refused obviously.  
If Sasori wants Deidara to be less violent then he can buy the psychotic little terrorist his own diary.

* * *

**  
September 2****nd****  
**  
Today Sasori no danna gave me this diary.  
He sort of hinted that he was going to make me write in one but I didn't think he would, yeah.  
It kinda pisses me off that he thinks I'm as violent as Hidan because I'm sooo not.  
Just the thought of Hidan makes me want to rip his stomach open and shove dynamite in his intestines so I can watch him explode…  
I hate that guy…

* * *

**September 3****rd**

Apparently, Sasori doesn't know the meaning of 'no'  
Unfortunately, this mean I am going to have to do something drastic to punish him.

* * *

**September 4****th**

Today… Was the funniest day… EVER.  
For some reason Itachi was really ticked off with Sasori no danna and he was spouting random stuff about 'revenge on the foolish little puppet'.  
Whatever his revenge was, I think he got it, yeah!  
Danna came back to our room about 5 minutes ago with his head shaved and whiskers drawn on his face with permanent marker.  
I LOVE ITACHI!

* * *

**September 5****th**

I called a truce with Sasori and in return for not letting his partner into my diary, I have bought him a new red wig and helped him construct a new body.

* * *

**September 6****th**

Itachi is soooooooooooo sexy and I want him so much mwa mwa mwa!  
**- Deidara**

I wish you had let me know about this a long time ago brat…  
**- Sasori  
**  
I DIDN'T WRITE THAT! WHAT THE HELL!?  
**- The REAL Deidara.**

Well this is disturbing…  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**September 7****th****  
**  
I have come to the conclusion that Deidara is in love with me.  
As of yet I have no plan of action…  
But something will be done about it…

* * *

**September 8****th****  
**  
I love Itachi so much and I want to have little blonde haired, red eyed babies with him.  
- **Deidara  
**  
ARGH! ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!  
**- The REAL Deidara.**

Itachi is my soul mate and I want to be in his bed.  
**- The REAL Deidara**

THAT'S NOT ME! STOP IT!  
**- THE REALLY REAL DEIDARA**

Who are you!? Im the real Deidara and I love Itachi! YOU STOP IT!  
**- THE REALLY REALLY REAL DEIDARA**

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH! I DON'T LOVE ITACHI! HE IS GAY FOR FISH PEOPLE OR SOMETHING AND I LIKE OTHER STUFF!  
**- THE REALLY REALLY REALLY REAL DEIDARA  
**  
BLASPHEMY! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY DARLING ITACHI THAT WAY YOU IMPOSTER!  
**- The one, true Deidara.**

* * *

**September 9****th**

I caught Sasuke in the base today.  
He didn't tell me what he was up to but because he was in the kitchen grasping knives I am assuming Orochimaru is teaching him how to cook.  
This is wonderful addition to my foolish little brothers talents.  
With all of his stupid ambitions it's going to be difficult for him to find a mate willing to put up with him but perhaps with his new cooking ability, women will find him more attractive and the Uchiha clan will thrive once more.

* * *

**September 10****th**

Dear Itachi,  
I'm writing this here so that when you pick up your diary it will be the first thing you see.  
Meet me in my room tonight at 7, I'll make sure Sasori is away.  
**- Deidara**

I don't know why you didn't just tell me in person.  
Whatever you want to discuss will have to be quick because I have a card game with Kisame later tonight…  
And stay out of my diary.  
**- Itachi.**

Deidara takes his night time shower at 6:45…  
I don't know who is doing this… But I'll play along.  
Kakuzu, I'm bunking with you tonight.  
**-Sasori**

Fine by me…  
**- Kakuzu.**

* * *

**September 11th**

Well…  
I'm not quite sure what I saw last night but I know that it confirmed my sexuality.  
I also know that I will never do anything Deidara wants me to ever again.

* * *

**  
September 12****th****  
**  
When I find out who the fuck has been writing this bullshit in this diary I will fucking kill you.  
Itachi walked in on me naked cause one of you assholes told him to come in my room, yeah!  
Diaries are supposed to be private so lay off you fucktard…  
**- Deidara.**

That's a little hypocritical wouldn't you say?  
-**Sasori**

* * *

**September 13****th**

It has come to my attention that various members have been engaging in…  
Well… Actually I'm not sure what you have all been doing…  
But Konan complained so stop it!  
**- Pein**

* * *

**September 14****th**

I am passing a new law that states all women in the base are forbidden to wear clothes.  
Deidara, Konan, that means you.  
It has also come to my attention that I am a homosexual and therefore, will be raping all of you at random intervals. Please refer to the session times I have installed on the kitchen fridge.  
**- Pein**

Whoooaa! Holy shit, stay the fuck away!  
**- Sasori  
**  
Try it… I dare you…  
**- Kakuzu**

FUK U ALL! EYEM GOING BAK 2 DA HIDDEN MIST!  
**-Kissamee**

That's it... This is Hidan I'm sure of it.  
**-Konan**

Fuck you Hidan, you ruined my 6:45 shower!  
**-Deidara**

If you didn't fucking notice, I've been on a mission for the last two weeks and haven't even BEEN here…  
**- Hidan**

Holy shit you were too…  
**- Deidara**

I'm just as freaked out as you are Blondie…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**September 15****th**

There is only 4 days until Sir Leaders birthday.  
I am going to install powerful magnets in the attic where he stores his bodies so whenever he goes in there he gets flung across the room in random directions.  
That's what he gets for shoving metal in various parts of his body.  
Most people haven't even seen UNDER the cloak.

What else to write…  
The Akatsuki are downright terrified about The Imposter who is lurking around the base and writing in my diary.  
Orochimaru had to cancel his weekly visit because Kabuto has the chicken pox.  
The Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi seems happy enough…  
That's all I think…  
Oh… And if I catch the fool who has been sabotaging my diary…

* * *

**September 16****th**

I make puppets that look like Deidara so I can sleep with him when no one is around.  
**- Sasori**

Really? I make voodoo dolls that look like Kakuzu so I can cuddle them.  
**-Hidan**

I make clay clones of Sasori no Danna, but maybe after that confession I won't have to anymore…  
**- Deidara**

I secretly try to suffocate Pein with paper while he sleeps.  
**- Konan**

SOMEONE IS WRITING IN THIS AGAIN!  
**- THE REAL SASORI!**

Hidan… Make voodoo dolls of me? That I can see.  
Hidan cuddling a doll that looks like me…?  
No.  
**- Kakuzu**

Wait… So we weren't all secretly writing down and sharing our wants and desires…?  
**- Deidara…  
**  
No… We were not.**  
- Sasori no Danna, who is not made of clay.  
**  
Oh… Well then I am in the same situation as you Deidara… I thought we were just starting up an honesty page.  
**- Konan**

From now on, everybody just ignore The Imposters entries, even though I am the only one who should have to because THIS IS MY DIARY.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**  
September 17****th**

My nipples hurt when I twist them  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**September 18th**

Tomorrow is Peins birthday so we have decided to… Hang on, I have to do something…

_My name is Kisame and I want to shove my fingers up Itachis a-_

Back again and…  
FUCK!  
Of course I would just miss out on finding who it was! They must have ran out of the room as I was coming back down the hallway!  
DAMMIT!

* * *

**  
September 19****th****  
**  
I like little boys.  
**- Orochimaru**

Seriously…? Orochimaru isn't even in the base…  
**- Sasori  
**  
Actually he was invited in for Peins birthday… He COULD have written it…  
**- Deidara**

Who the fuck cares if he wrote it or not? Even if The Imposter DID write it, it's nothing we don't already know!  
**- Hidan  
**  
Peins birthday was fairly nice.  
It would have even been a normal birthday if it weren't for the cake with the stripper hidden inside that Orochimaru brought as a present, courtesy of the his new village.  
Unfortunately, Sasuke couldn't come for reasons that elude me…  
Foolish little brother…

* * *

**  
September 20****th**

Tonight I'm going to kill Deidara…  
-** Sasori**

Fuck this shit. I don't care who wrote that, Hidan I'm bunking with you.  
**- Deidara**

With me!? Why with me!?  
**- Hidan  
**  
Operation: Human Shield  
**- Deidara**

Fuck you Blondie…  
**-Hidan**

* * *

**  
September 21****st****  
**  
I found the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi in my room today.  
Not quite sure what he was doing but oh well.  
I can never stay angry at him for too long, he is usually on his best behavior.

* * *

**September 22****nd**

Its getting hot in here I'm gonna take my clothes off.  
**- The Fake Konan**

WHERE IS KONAN!? SHE MUST BE FOUND!  
**- Pein  
**  
Yeah… BY ME!  
**- Hidan**

Take you and your shitty religion somewhere else. I WANT TO SEE FIRST!  
**- Pein**

Really guys…? The Imposter even wrote 'The Fake Konan' with that entry.  
**- The Real Konan**

* * *

**September 23****rd**

Further attempts at finding The Imposter have proven fruitless.  
Although I would like to state my thanks to said infiltrator for not imitating me as of yet.  
That is very nice.

* * *

**September 24****th**

I like doodles and stuff.  
**- Itachi**

Pffffffffffft, I knew it!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**September 25****th**

I knew that was going to happen…  
No one sleeps safely from now on. If you go in my room you die…

But ware do eye sleep den? Eye liv in da saam room az u!  
**- Kissamee.**

For all I know, you are The Imposter. Find somewhere else to sleep!  
**- Itachi**

Hahaha! Take that Fish-face!  
**- Hidan**

Don't laugh yet. I'm kicking you out too, Hidan.  
**- Kakuzu**

Fuck...  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**September 26****th**

Lair-wide panic is infecting the base.  
I am the only one brave enough to come down to breakfast in the mornings besides Kakuzu who, like me, is fearless and able to take care of himself.  
Hidans daily mindless shouting has been reduced to whispers and I am quite sure him, Konan and Deidara are tunneling through the floor to make an escapeway under the base.  
Kisame has resorted to hiding under my bed whenever I am in our room whilst no one has even SEEN Sasori and Pein.  
Yes… Terrible times indeed..

You guys are stupid… Honestly…  
**- Genma  
**  
Now The Imposter is making people up! This is getting spooky, I suggest we move bases.  
**- Konan**

Agreed! Don't forget the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi… God forbid the poor lil guy get stuck with The Imposter forever…  
**- Deidara  
**  
I hate to rain on your parade but we have run out of bases to go to.  
**- Pein  
**  
SASORI LAND!  
**- Sasori, Mayor of Sasori Land.**

No.  
**- Itachi  
- Pein  
- Kakuzu  
- Deidara  
- Hidan  
- Zetsu  
- Konan  
- Kissamee**

* * *

**A lot of Itachis Diary of Doom is based off my daily travels around the Northern Territory and yes, something similar to this DID happen in the one of the camp kitchens.**  
**Spooky no?**  
**Anyway, as always;**  
**Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**


	18. September the 16th

**This was just something I thought to do, ya know, so you get a feel of how the diary hijacking goes.**

**Perhaps it's a good thing, perhaps it's a bad thing...**

**Let me know.**

**This is uhhh... I think the 16th from last chapter.**

**So enjoy!**

* * *

Due to Kisames fish tank being so large, they had had to build a small walk in section behind it to allow the man access to feed the damn fish.  
The area was no more than a metre wide and was completely dark.

You could see right through into their room and no one would know you were there, which was why Itachi liked it.  
It cast an eerie blue glow in the small space and despite his dislike for Kisames fish collecting hobby, he quite enjoyed watching the small creatures swim around.

Sitting with his elbow on his knee and hand supporting his head in the dark room behind the fish tank, this was how Itachi came to find Sasori sneakily sneaking into his room like the sneaky sneak he was.  
As the puppet master crossed the room, shoulders hunched and glancing around cautiously, Itachis eyes narrowed.  
What was the foolish little puppet doing in his room?  
More importantly, why was he going through their things?  
Itachi slowly activated his Mangekyou Sharingan, preparing to send the puppet to tangled string hell if he touched anything important.  
He paused however, when he observed Sasori pull out his diary.

The Uchiha cocked his head to the side and furrowed his brow as the puppet master flicked through the pages to today's date.  
More curious than annoyed, Itachi stood and gazed through the fish tank to get a better view.

His voice was distorted through the glass and water, but he vaguely heard Sasori growl irritably and watched as he scribbled something in large, furious letters across the page Itachi had left it on.  
September the 16th if he recalled correctly.

The day had began when he had re entered the room after his morning shower to find that The Imposter had written foolish comments in his diary.  
Since that moment, he had hidden himself behind the fish tank in hopes of catching who was sabotaging his diary… Other than the OTHER Akatsuki members.  
Sasori had obviously come across the comment:  
_  
I make puppets that look like Deidara so I can sleep with him when no one is around.  
_  
Itachi himself had been vaguely amused upon reading it, knowing full well that the real Sasori never voiced his feelings and desires out loud… To ANYONE.  
Although he had his suspicions…  
Watching phlegmatically as Sasori replaced the diary on his bed, slamming down the pen and storming out of the room, Itachi made a mental note to not leave his diary out in the open.

He stood to leave the fish tank area and reenter his bedroom when his door opened once again.  
This time, he was vaguely surprised to see Kakuzu peer cautiously into the room before creeping over to the bed and gazing into the diary.  
Itachi watched as the misers shoulders shook with laughter and the ex-Taki nin picked up the pen that Sasori had left behind before leaving his own little input.  
For some reason after writing, the man glanced around the room with interest.

It soon became clear that he was distracted by Kisames wallet, which lay open on the Kiri nins bed.  
Fingers twitching and seemingly unable to help himself, Kakuzu hastily snuck over to the leather pouch and withdrew a noticeable amount of money, dropping the diary on Kisames bed in the process.  
Itachi was quite pleased with this, it being Kisames wallet that was robbed and not his, while his diary was dropped practically against the other side of the fish tank, allowing him to read it through the clear water.  
Unfortunately, Kakuzu seemed to want to hang around a while, obviously in search of more money, which was irritating to say the least.  
Face not betraying an emotion, Itachi thunked his hand hard against the fish tank glass, making the water ripple and the fish frantically swim away from his end.  
Kakuzu paused upon hearing the noise.

A small smirk graced Itachis lips as the man began to back cautiously out of the room.  
The masked nin was now aware that he was being watched and that the noise had been a warning to leave.  
Feeling (and looking) grateful for not being Tsukuyomi'd without warning, Kakuzu withdrew less than half of the money he had stolen from Kisame, and dropped it back on the bed.  
Itachi rolled his eyes at the mans greed when the door closed.  
Instead of leaving, the Uchiha got closer to the glass and squinted with his bad eyesight through the water and at the diary.

_Hidan… Make voodoo dolls of me? That I can see.  
Hidan cuddling a doll that looks like me…?  
No._

Snickering lightly at Kakuzus entry, Itachi shook his head, debating whether or not to leave or continue watching the reactions and responses of his team mates.  
He decided upon that latter although first electing to get some food whilst he kept watch.  
Standing up stiffly, the Uchiha stretched and yawned.  
The door to the fish tank room was fairly secret, Kisame having constructed it whilst the akatsuki was out on a mission.  
Apparently, the man was scared that Itachi (or someone else) would poison the fish water to punish or get revenge on him.  
Unfortunately, things aren't easy to hide from his partner.  
Kisame had slumped his shoulders in grudging acceptance upon entering the room to feed his fish, and seeing Itachi leaning forward and watching the tiny creatures with narrowed eyes.  
Yes… The door was secret.  
The Akatsuki all knew of its existence but only Itachi and Kisame knew how to get in…

Itachi wandered down the hallway and towards the kitchen.  
The hallway was long as it accommodated all of their rooms and it wasn't uncommon for Akatsuki members to pass each other as the wandered around.  
As it happened, he crossed Deidara and Sasori, the former looking slightly concerned about the face the latter was pulling behind him.  
A mixture of irritation, embarrassment and accusing anger, Itachi decided.  
_Probably something to do with my diary..._  
Not finding it in him to yell on an empty stomach, he shrugged inwardly and continued walking, coming to the kitchen in no time.  
Upon entering, he spied Kakuzu who sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee.  
The man glanced up uneasily as Itachi passed, silently hoping that he was just being paranoid about the noise he heard whilst invading the Uchihas room.  
Itachi ignored him and walked passed, instead opening the cupboard door and pulling a packet of Kakuzus salt and vinegar chips down towards him.  
He inspected the package for a moment, glancing up into the pantry on occasion as if torn between eating Kakuzus favourite flavoured chips or one of the apples.  
He obviously decided on the chips, knowing that the waterfall nin wouldn't dare argue with him.  
Turning back towards the hallway door, Kakuzu made sure the Uchiha grasped the doorknob when he sighed in relief, having not been caught.  
He glanced back up when he noticed Itachi had stopped and was half turned towards him, giving Kakuzu 'the look'  
Kakuzu froze and tensed his body, preparing to be genjutsu'd to hell.  
Itachi held the glare for a few seconds before turning the doorknob and leaving the room.  
The miser gulped, knowing just how close he came to disappearing into Sharingan La La Land.

* * *

Sitting back against the chair in the fish tank room, Itachi sighed contently and opened the packet of chips, one hand on either side as he pulled.  
His content expression turned to a scowl when he realized there was more air in his packet than chips.  
Throwing his head back and gritting his teeth in exasperation, Itachi turned his gaze back through to his room where Deidara had entered.  
So silent and sneaky had the terrorist been, that Itachi didn't even register his appearance until he caught sight of the man.  
Deidara was just creepy like that.  
The blondes expression darkened and he frowned in fear upon reading Sasoris earlier entry.  
He was so close to the fish tank that Itachi could see every line in the mans face.  
Glancing around, Deidara picked up the pen from the floor that Kakuzu had dropped in panic earlier and hesitantly scribbled his second note of the day:  
_  
Wait… So we weren't all secretly writing down and sharing our wants and desires…?_

Amusingly, it was while he was writing this that Sasori entered the room and frightened the living shit out of his partner.  
Deidara jumped around with a yelp and threw himself away from the diary, clearly thinking it was Itachi who had snuck up on him.  
Sasori shook his head at his partner and mumbled something that sluggishly sounded like, "Some ninja you are." through the water.  
The blonde nodded his head with a weak smile, still shaking from adrenaline.  
Sasori caught sight of the pen in his partners hand and glared.  
Eyes narrowed dangerously, he ripped it from Deidaras hand, walked over to the other side of the room and picked up the diary.  
Itachi noted with distaste and annoyance that the blonde chose this moment to sit on his bed.  
Reading the entry his partner had just written, Sasori scowled, casting a glance over his shoulder to Deidara before scribbling down another entry.  
From his vantage point and the angle Sasori was writing, Itachi could easily read the next entry:  
_  
No… We were not.__**  
- Sasori no Danna, who is not made of clay.**_

Sasori turned and threw the book at the blondes head before making his way towards the door.  
Itachi watched in amusement as Deidara read the entry, his face turning grey as he did so.  
The door closed as the red head left, leaving no one but the terrorist and the Uchiha.  
In a way, Itachi pitied Deidara.  
The man had had a terrible week; his clay pouch had gone missing… twice, Tobi had smashed his sculptures before they were ready to explode, the stomach bug had gotten to him and now this little embarrassment.  
Itachi watched as Deidara sighed and slumped backwards into a laying position on his bed.  
Eye glowing red, the Uchiha behind the fish tank grit his teeth and stood up to punish the man.

He paused however, when Konan knocked and entered the room.  
She raised an eyebrow upon seeing Deidara lying on Itachis bed but seemingly chose not to comment.  
Instead she pried the diary from Deidaras grasp and sat down on the floor to read its contents.  
A half smile graced her lips as she read the first half but dropped abruptly when she read Sasoris entry.  
Glancing over to the blonde on the bed, she chewed the end of the pen thoughtfully before adding her little entry:

_Oh… Well then I am in the same situation as you Deidara… I thought we were just starting up an honesty page.  
__**- Konan**_

Apparently under the impression it would make the man feel better, Konan walked back over to Deidara and handed him the book as she left.  
The bluenette didn't seem in the least worried that her earlier entry that day was prime evidence that she launched assassination attempts on their leader every night.  
Itachi shook his head at the Akatsukis antics.  
Konan wouldn't have written:

I secretly try to suffocate Pein with paper while he sleeps.  
**- Konan**

If The Imposter hadn't have started writing things as everyone else.  
Itachi was quite fond of Konan.  
She didn't get in the way, she didn't ask for things, she helped when she was asked and she rubbed his tummy when he was sick.  
It wouldn't do well for Pein to read his diary and in a fit of anger decide that she must die.

And so it was a few moments later that Itachi opened the door to his room and to the horror of Deidara, gently removed the diary from his hands and wrote the final entry of the day:

_From now on, everybody just ignore the imposters entries even though I am the only one who should have to because THIS IS MY DIARY.  
__**- Itachi**_

He didn't bother punishing Deidara.  
After that moment, the blonde would be too terrified to go anywhere _near_ Itachi for the next two weeks.  
Sometimes it was more fun to torture them psychologically.  
Itachi grinned evilly.

* * *

It was 3am when a dark shadow snuck into Kisame and Itachis room.  
Guided by the light of the fish tank, The Imposter crept over to the diary.  
Holding back his giggles, the man scrawled down:

_My nipples hurt when I twist them  
__**- Kakuzu**_

Placing the diary back and covering his mouth to prevent his laughs from waking up the scariest member of the Akatsuki, Genma crossed back over to the door and closed it behind him, eagerly awaiting the next days drama.

* * *

**So there you go.**

**Let me know what you think haha.**

**Hopefully it wasn't too terrible.**

**Rates and reviews appreciated!**


	19. October: Sasori Land

**I'm not making any excuses…  
This chapter is terrible.  
Or I feel it is terrible.  
I put it down to being in shock of Kishimotos latest chapter.  
…Fucking Tobi…**

* * *

**October 1****st**

Over the last 5 days we succumbed to Sasoris will and have relocated to the only safe place we have left.  
It technically isn't a base because no one has used it before, but Sasori Land really is a nice patch of grass.

* * *

**October 2****nd**

Although we originally thought that Sasori Land was a good idea, the Kazekage made it clear that if we intrude on his land we shall be hunted and killed.  
This made things difficult considering Sasori Land is 50 metres off the border of Suna and Konoha.  
We conquered this problem by flying over on Deidaras bird, although Pein, Kisame, Hidan and Tobi had kunai thrown at them when they attempted to jump across and fell short by 46 metres.

* * *

**  
October 3****rd**

Our attempts at getting to Sasori Land have proven useless.  
Pein suggested pole vaulting which would be a good idea if any of us knew how to pole vault.  
Only a fool would attempt it- Oh wait here goes Tobi now…

* * *

**October 4****th**

We camped the night on the border of Suna.  
It was nice enough because Naruto happened to be visiting the Kazekage and despite the fact that we had to yell out to each other over 2 metres about 2km away from where The Akatsuki and Suna nin were camping, it was enjoyable.

* * *

**October 5th  
**  
Personally, I love Sasori Land.  
It may only be a 1 meter patch of very dead grass but the entire Akatsuki fit across it quite nicely.  
After many kunai were thrown at those of us who stepped foot in Suna, Deidara decided to fly us over on a clay bird.  
Or that is, Sir Leader threatened to give him a haircut if he didnt.

* * *

**October 6th**

Unfortunately after one night, Pein is considering leaving our new base.  
His logic that it is too squishy is lost on me.  
Stacking ourselves on top of each other when we sleep was a wonderful idea, although at the very bottom of the pile, Hidan has been complaining that the rest of us were too heavy.  
Silly thing to argue really.  
He is only supporting the weight of Kakuzu (who is on top of him)  
Kisame who is atop Kakuzu,  
Sasori in Hiruko above Kisame,  
Zetsu above Sasori,  
Pein and Konan who are balancing out across Zetsu.  
Deidara who WAS on top of Konan until Sir Leader kicked him into the stratosphere,  
You might ask where I was?  
Itachi Land, 3 metres away – Uchihas only

* * *

**October 7****th**

Because Itachi Land is 500 metres square as opposed to Sasori Lands 1 metre, Pein cruelly tricked me into allowing the rest of the Akatsuki to set up base.  
Deidara built a clay castle for us all to live in although he is the only one who has been game enough to sleep in it.  
Sadly the risk of him sneaking out in the night and Katsuing us all to hell isn't worth getting a comfortable nights sleep.  
Even if it IS a proper castle with beds and a roof.  
Oh…  
Its beginning to rain...

* * *

**October 8****th****  
**  
Well since most of the other Akatsuki have had a turn at borrowing Itachis diary, I'm going to as well.  
I mean… Fuck it, I am practically PART of the stupid organization now.  
How long have I been here? A year? A year and a half?  
Yes. I declare myself an Akatsuki member.  
Actually, no.  
I can be more!  
I deem myself Leader of the Akatsuki!

* * *

**October 9****th**

The Akatsuki seem to be taking my ascent to power quite nicely.  
The only ones having trouble obeying me is everyone, who shall be killed in the morning.

* * *

**  
October 12th**

Oh yeah…

* * *

**October 13th**

The Imposter is still at large and I must find him… I must…

* * *

**October 14th**

I stole Tobis ring today because as an Akatsuki member I should have one, shouldn't I? SHOULDN'T I!?

* * *

**October 15th**

The ring is mine… Tobi want it back but he wont have my precious…

* * *

**October 16th**

I need something… But I don't know what it is…  
It must be… sex… and alcohol… and sex..

* * *

**  
October 17th**

After finding my diary in the hands of the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi I have confiscated it and put him in solitary confinement.  
Kakuzus mental examination has left us with the conclusion that the poor thing has gone crazy because nothing he wrote in my diary actually happened…  
He did manage to steal Tobis ring however.

* * *

**October 18th  
**  
Much thought and debate went into the descision and despite the hugs and teary farewells, we have decided to release the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi back into the wild.

* * *

**October 19****th**

It has been quiet since he left.  
A cloud of sorrow seems to hang over the Akatsuki and we have reduced ourselves to writing songs and sobbing uncontrollably while no one is looking..  
Except for me because Uchihas don't sob.  
They cry…

* * *

**October 20****th****  
**  
Pein has decided that Sasori Land and Itachi Land are inadequate as bases and that despite the noise, we will stay with Orochimaru until another base in Wind Country is built.  
None of us are really in the mood to make the move but we keep on going for the sake of each other.  
As I speak, Hidan is hugging Kakuzus cloak and sobbing.

* * *

**October 21****st**

We are halfway to The Village Hidden in the Strippers now.  
Pein seems so depressed that even when Naruto showed up he didn't so much as bat an eyelid, instead hugging him and offering him a flower.  
I think he must be going mad with grief.

* * *

**October 22****nd****  
**  
Naruto has decided to accompany us to the Village Hidden in the Strippers.  
I'm not sure if its because he feels sorry for us, is grieving with us or wants to check out the Village for himself.

* * *

**October 23****rd**

Orochimaru seemed just as devastated as us that the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi has left.  
Apparently they used to exchange pleasantries and have tea, although I have no idea when they could have done this.  
Nonetheless, Pein doesn't seem to care that he infiltrated our base.  
He doesn't seem to care about anything anymore.

* * *

**  
October 24****th****  
**  
Today we walked into Hidan and Kakuzus room to find Hidan hanging from the ceiling by his neck crying.  
He had written a suicide note and was distraught to remember he couldn't die.  
I think somewhere deep deep deep deep deep deeeeeeeeeeeeep down, Kakuzu really likes him because he has been trying to convince Hidan not to revoke Jashin.

* * *

**  
October 25****th****  
**  
Naruto and I sat in the bar today and decided to drink.  
It got pretty boring after a while so we started talking to the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi sitting next to us.  
As it turned out, it was actually Tobi.  
Seems Tobi felt so bad about him leaving that he tried to BE him.  
We appreciate his effort.

* * *

**October 26****th**

To our delight and surprise, the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi has arrived at the Village Hidden in the Strippers.  
He was tackled upon entering by the entire Akatsuki, Naruto, Orochimaru and several strippers whom he apparently became well acquainted with during our last visit.  
Celebration drinks were in order and we all promptly got drunk.

* * *

**  
October 27****th****  
**  
Leader-sama has decided that to tempt the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi to stay with us, he will promote him to a true Akatsuki member.  
We all cheered and Naruto hi-fived Pein… Who started bolting after him when he realized the object of his capture had been with us for over a week.

* * *

**October 28****th**

Its safe to say Naruto escaped from Pein.  
A SexynoJutsu of Konan seemed to do the trick on him.  
As to whether he gets away from Konan is another story...

* * *

**  
So there you go.  
I am wholeheartedly sorry for being slack this month.  
After this year has ended I might stop updating.  
Feels like I'm watering down the story a bit haha.**


	20. November: Hidans Babysitting Gig

**Heh heh, okay.  
I feel safe when I say this chapter is better than the last, I hope so anyway.  
It is based on a bad experience I had when I mailed myself a package last month.  
No I am not being sarcastic or tricky in any way shape or form… I did in fact mail myself something… I just cant be bothered elaborating.  
And I bet despite your dying curiosity you will not ask questions because your dying curiosity will probably cause you to die.  
Thank you muchly to **_**Red Hot Habanero**_** for letting me know what 'Stripper' was in Japanese.  
Being in limited internet areas means I can only open one tab at a time and that it is extremely slow – so thank you :D  
I think that might be all for now…  
Enjoy this chapter – written for your amusement in the laundry room at Oodnadatta or where ever the fuck I am…**

* * *

**November 1st**

After our scare of having the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi escape, Pein has locked him back up.  
He kept his promise and gave him a ring (which suspiciously has 'Pein Will You Marry Me?' engraved on the side)  
But most of us are just happy to see that he is back with us, we all know he won't be in the cage for long.

* * *

**November 2****nd**

After Tobi and Sasori plotted together to steal Deidaras hair straightener, the psychotic little… irritation… has been going around katsuing anything with a pulse.  
He has gotten smart and is putting his filthy clay into things we hold dear… It's fair to say this week will be interesting.  
Already Hidan discovered little floating bits of clay in his cereal…

* * *

**November 3****rd**

I have been sending letters to Naruto and discussing ideas on how to get him in here for a movie night without the other Akatsuki noticing.  
We are using an idea that I have used in the past which has worked wonderfully.  
I shall expect him tomorrow.

* * *

**November 4****th**

Kakuzu is furious  
Apparently Deidara and Hidan drank… a little bit last night, and snuck explosive clay into said money snatching zombies safe when they ran out of alcohol and the means to fund it.  
Kisame and Sasori don't seem to mind much, they are building the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi a castle out of the numerous bottles and cans the two left lying around.  
Hidan being immortal means it takes a LOT of alcohol for him to get drunk and together, him and Deidara went through the Akatsukis monthly supply.

* * *

**November 5****th**

Naruto is late but I am not too worried, the mail does take a little longer when you send bigger parcels…  
Especially an Orange-clad, Ramen-inhaling, Sasuke-stalking, Frog-watching, Naruto sized parcel.  
It worked when we mailed Tobi to Sasuke, why wouldn't it work if Naruto mails himself to me?

* * *

**November 6****th**

Today is Sunday which means the mail doesn't come.  
I hope Naruto packed lots of food in with him.  
I also wonder how he got to the post office in a box in the first place, for surely it would be too dangerous and suspicious to ask his friends to mail him to me…

* * *

**November 7****th**

Deidara and Hidan are getting along rather well lately.  
Kisame and I think it is because they are homosexuals.

* * *

**  
November 8****th**

Ha, they didn't write any comebacks in my diary.  
This scientifically proves that they were too busy having mansex to be bothered!

* * *

**November 9****th**

I received mail today although not the kind I wanted.  
Unfortunately, Sasuke decided he needed to send me a letter to remind me that he hates me.  
Foolish Little Brother.  
If his hatred was strong enough he would come and kill me instead of sending me taunts.  
Naruto still hasn't shown up… If he hasn't arrived by tomorrow I am going to call him.

* * *

**November 10****th**

I hear noises in Deidaras room… Naturally I am assuming it's Hidan.  
He seemed to be the sort of person to be very vocal and the continuous thuds are very suspicious…  
Kisame and I have snuck chocolate body paint under their door with the hopes that they will enjoy it.

Dear Asswipe  
Fuck you Itachi. Seriously? We were on a mission… Separate missions! How could we write in your diary if we aren't even near the base?  
**- A very not gay Deidara**

Dear gay Deidara  
You managed to write in my diary when I was on a mission and you were in the base. Why couldn't you do the same back?  
**-Not an asswipe, Itachi**

Itachi…  
You fucking suck…  
**-Deidara  
**  
So do you apparently.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**November 11th**

I called Konoha post office today and asked if they had a record of a large parcel being mailed to me.

They checked their files and told me that yes, there was a parcel with my address on it that had been sent off on the 3rd which was a little over a week ago.  
Not to be deterred, I called the post office near our base (the location of which will not be revealed)  
Unfortunately they had not received the package…  
There is apparently a number you can call for things that go missing in the mail….  
I just never thought Naruto would be one of them.

* * *

**November 12th**

What the fuck Itachi!?  
Why the fuck did you fucking send me a fucking box with fucking Naruto in it!?  
Expect me in the fucking morning you fucking asshole.  
FUCK!  
**-From Fucking Sasuke**

…I remember hearing that Hidan got a job as a babysitter in Konoha for a bet once. I am beginning to wonder if his foul language rubbed off on the child he babysat and if that child was Sasuke.

What the hell are you trying to say? That I'm not fucking good enough to babysit?  
I don't even swear that much you asshole.  
And Deidara and I ARE NOT FUCKING GAY WITH EACH OTHER!  
**- The fucking awesome babysitter, Hidan.**

…Lol  
-**Sasori**

* * *

**November 13****th**

True to his word, Sasuke and Naruto arrived this morning, the latter looking considerably happier than the former.  
Whether this has to do with Hidan grabbing Sasuke and dragging him off to his room the instant they arrived I have no idea.  
Apparently, Naruto thought it would be funny to write the return address as Sasukes so that when I received it, I would think my foolish little brother had sent me a package.  
It seems he got the 'To:' and 'From:' labels mixed up and instead, mailed himself to Sasuke from me.  
No harm no foul. We can now have our movie night and I don't have to worry about finding a babysitter for Sasuke.

* * *

**  
November 14****th**

Pein was out of the base last night and because the rest of the Akatsuki actually quite like Naruto, we all got together and watched a few movies.  
Orochimaru took a break from work at Sutorippagakure and cooked us all dinner because Pein was too cheap to leave money for takeout and Kakuzus money was wasted on booze.  
Hidan and Sasuke came out this morning-

-you mean out of the closet?  
**- Deidara**

-from Hidans room and for reasons unknown to me, Sasuke was wearing a Jashin pendant and had his hair slicked back.  
Now… I'm not one to judge but-

Its looks fucking stupid…  
**- Sasori  
**  
-I honestly preferred his hair the other way… Even if it did look-

Pretty gay  
**- Kakuzu**

-unusual and slightly attention seeking. I am even willing to overlook the fact that he has followed Orochimarus style and wears-

Pink frilly dresses when no one is looking  
**- Konan**

-pretty horrible looking clothes. I mean honestly… a purple rope for a belt? And no one wears clothes that reveals so much of their-

Dangly bits  
**- Tobi**

-chest unless they actually WORK for Orochimaru which I am desperately hoping he-

Does because I will become Suttorippagakures best customer  
**-Sakura **

-doesn't because to see an Uchiha on a stage parading around like a show pony would be-

Delicious  
**-Zetsu**

-degrading and I would be forced to kick him out of the clan. This of course will mean that the clan will be-

Penis  
**- Sai**

-unable to be resurrected and one of the most powerful clans in Konoha will-

Get buttraped by a horde of stampeding unicorns  
**- Hidan**

-vanish forever…  
Now that I have been able to get through a _whole_ sentence without _anyone_ _at all_interrupting me by 'somehow' writing while they are not in the room, I would like to say that-

I love ramen.  
**- Itachi….**

…Yes… That I love ramen…

* * *

**November 15****th**

Sir Leader returned today so we all quickly hid Naruto and Sasuke in Hiruko and said hello.  
Sasori was unamused when a Chidori and a Rasengan broke a hole in each side of his favourite puppet and Kakuzu was even more unamused when he declared he was claiming insurance money for it.  
I have yet to discover how everyone (especially Konoha ninjas) are able to see into my diary and write while I am a million miles away from them.  
No respect.

* * *

**November 16****th**

I have installed a fail safe in my diary.  
Whenever someone attempts to write who is not me, a kunai will stab them where it hurts.  
It is bullet proof...

How the hell does a kunai magically appear a-...  
**-Sasori**

…That's how Sasori… That's how….

Hahahahaha! ACK!  
**-Deidara**

Heh heh heh…

**November 17****th**

Oh how glorious it is being able to sit back and have no one write in my diary.  
I think I shall write a song about it, for it is so glorious that perhaps my song will become famous and glorify the fact that no one can write in my glorious diary.  
I am fabulous aren't I…?

* * *

**  
November 18****th**

Itachi, I fucking hate you. Just thought I would let you know, dickface… Yeah?  
**- From Deidara, the douchebag**

I hate you too, asshole. Just you wait…  
**- Sasori who is a real boy**

You owe me money.  
**- Kakuzu the greedy fucking asshole who steals money and keeps me awake at night because he won't turn the lamp off when he stays up and reads fucking bills.**

* * *

**November 18****th**

****Unfortunately, that Akatsuki have found a way around my defense by simply getting Hidan to write what they want to say…  
Doubt they thought about the cursing he would add…  
Its even worse than before now…

* * *

**  
November 19****th****  
**  
Today was interesting.  
When Kakuzu found out what Hidan wrote, he came up with a very interesting way of shutting the fool up.  
I can't believe we never thought of tying weights to him and dropping him in the river.  
No noise, no fuss.  
I dare say we won't want to be around him when he gets out though.

* * *

**November 21****st**

I am ze red power ranger!  
**-Hidan**

Oh great… The Imposter is back…  
**-Deidara**

No that was actually me that time haha, you should have seen the look on your face!  
**-Hidan**

What the hell? You aren't/weren't in the room to SEE my face!?  
**-Deidara**

Wasn't I…?  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**November 22****nd**

For lack of anything better to do, I am giving this diary to Zetsu… Mainly because I killed someone and I need him to dispose of the evidence…

This includes my diary because I wrote what I was doing.

* * *

**November 23rd**

To hell with eating this, its made of paper wh

ich is made of **trees which Ita**chi has **been w**riting on…  
He will be punish**ed...**

* * *

**November 24****th**

Had I known that Zetsu gets protective of trees I would never have given him my diary.

I did however, let him know that Konan picks white roses from his garden when she run out of paper for her hair, that Kisame uses paper to wrap his sword, that Hidans bible is made of paper and he spills blood on it, that Kakuzu is constantly using paper to write on for bills and such, Sasori writes his puppets designs on paper, Pein basically has a paper girlfriend and Deidara blows paper up when he is bored.  
Yes… He looked very mad.

* * *

**November 25****th**

Deidara has had to have his arm reattached since it was bitten off.

Sasori is torn to shreds but no one really cares,  
Zetsu ate Samehada which was… weird.  
Kakuzu managed to avoid harm although his cheque books and billing history has been confiscated, which could potentially bankrupt us.  
For some reason Zetsu saw fit to spare Hidan, Konan and Pein.  
Apparently because Pein loves paper, Konan is paper and Hidan worships paper.  
Technically…

* * *

**So there you go haha.**  
**I hope me saying 'hey this month is good!' wasn't a lie :\**  
**Personally I still have to figure out how Itachi is magic with kunai like that as well**  
**One of the great mysteries of life I suppose…**  
**If you didn't understand the post labels part it goes like this:**  
**When you send mail you have a 'To:' address and a 'From:' address.**  
**You write your own address in the 'from:' label and who ever you want to send the mail to in the 'To:' section.**  
**Naruto got them confused and put Sasukes address on the 'To:' label and Itachis on the 'from:' label instead of the other way around…**  
**Terrible joke I know**  
**Any way though….**  
**As usual, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep…**  
**Which does not exist.**


	21. December: Kisames Parents Alive?

**Okay, I have had a few PMs notifying me that I missed October…  
My bad, seriously.  
I'm sure the missing month will turn up at some point haha…  
Poll is still open for who would be interested in a spin off called 'Hidans Diary of Doom' (or something of the sort) featuring, you guessed it – Hidan.  
I will be closing it down soon though so if you are interested hurry up and vote.  
Oh and um… There is going to be a LOT of swearing in the chapter… I mean, a LOT.  
So you have been warned.  
Enough talking – here you go.**

* * *

**December 1****st**

In my rush to write down the number for the fridge repairman I seem to have picked up Itachis diary by accident.  
Stupid Hidan lodged his scythe in the door again and then Kisame HAD to make it worse by trying to cut it out with Samehada – honestly, I don't know how that thing is supposed to cut stuff in the first place...  
It defies the point of a sword.  
So this means that now I have scribbled numbers all over Itachis diary…  
I suppose that's what he gets for leaving it lying around.

* * *

**December 2****nd**

I thought I would try this whole diary thing out.  
Not sure what it does to him, but writing down what happened each day seems to make Itachi less… homicidal?  
I should probably get Konan to write in one, if anyone needs some sort of intervention its her…  
And Hidan… And Kakuzu… And Deidara… An- urgh… The whole fucking organization.  
That's it! As of tomorrow everyone has a diary!

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffft ttttttttttttt Good luck enforcing that, dipshit.  
**- Hidan  
**  
I am not wasting money on stupid little books when the Akatsuki could go to the free therapy sessions in the next village.  
**- Kakuzu**

Fuck no, those things scare me…  
**-Deidara**

* * *

**December 3****rd**

As a consequence of Hidan hijacking this diary and calling me a dipshit, I have taken the liberty of spray painting his Jashin pendant pink.  
Of course when I say 'I', I mean Tobi.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING ASSHOLE!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**December 4th**

Hidan returned my diary today, probably because he wanted to see Pein get Tsukuyomi'd for stealing it.  
I did not disappoint.  
We received a letter in the mail today from Kirigakures Adoption Agency informing Kisame that since his adoptive family died and his real parents had given him up, he would have to rewrite his will.  
This came as news to all of us.  
Especially me because as it turns out, I am the only one he was willing to trust with his inheritance.

* * *

**December 5****th**

Much to my displeasure, Kisame has decided that he wishes to track down his real parents.  
Due to Akatsuki rules stating no partner is to leave on a mission alone, I have the unfortunate job of chauffeuring him.

* * *

**December 6****th**

Apparently, Kisames old family lives in The Village Hidden in the Grass which is annoying because our base is located in southern fire country and Kusagakure is directly north. I hate walking…  
I hate it so much.

* * *

**December 7****th**

Tarchee? What is a trans-vest-tite?  
**- Tobi  
**  
It's what your sempai is.  
**- Hidan**

Then Tobi wants to be just like Sempai!  
**-Tobi**

NO YOU DON'T!  
-**Deidara  
**  
No denial?  
**-Sasori**

…Fuck you Sasori… Fuck you right in the ass…  
**-Deidara**

* * *

**December 8****th**

I didn't realize that Tobi was so easily influenced. After Hidan described to him what a transvestite was, he was easily convinced into dressing up exactly like Deidara… With fake breasts.  
Needless to say, Deidara is throwing bombs at everything that moves.  
He came into our room before and Kisames fish stopped swimming.

* * *

**December 9****th**

2dai we left teh acutski bays and startd warking 2 grarse cuntry. Eetarchee iznt riting becoz he carnt stop crying. He said he wonts 2 go bak 2 teh bays. U wood think he wood b niser 2 me becoz I allwayse go where he wonts 2 go.  
He iz just jeluz of mi gud looks and incredibel inteligents.  
_(See bottom for translation XD)_

* * *

**December 10****th**

No matter what Kisame says, I was not crying.  
Hidan had obviously put lemon juice in my eye drops again.  
Sadistic fucker.

ITACHI SWORE!  
**- Kakuzu**

IM TELLING!  
**-Konan**

PRAISE JASHIN HE IS BECOMING ONE OF US!  
**- Hidan**

OMG! LULZ WTF!  
**- Deidara**

DEIDARA STOP USING FUCKING INTERNET ABBREVIATIONS!  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**December 11th**

We bypassed Konoha today and I sneakily made us drift closer to it.  
I had hoped that we would come across Naruto but he wasn't in the immediate area.  
Kisame has been a… a…

I feel funny…

* * *

**December 12th**

Argh, I don't know what fucking happened but I must have passed out or some shit.  
At least Kisame had the sense to slow the fuck down and set up a camp.  
Why the fuck am I swearing so much?

This is fucking freaky…

* * *

**December 13th**

I haven't been able to stop fucking swearing all day for some fucked up reason.  
Its almost like I'm turning into that cuntfuck Hidan.  
Oh fuck… I hope I'm not turning into a fucking Jashinist…

That's how it started off with me ya know? Constant fucking swearing.  
Give yourself a nice stab in the thigh. If it doesn't hurt then get back to me.  
**- Hidan**

It fucking hurt like a bitch, you did that on purpose.  
**- Itachi**

Alright phase one over. Now stab Kisame and tell me if you feel pain.  
**- Hidan**

Lots of blood and Kisame is screaming… But I didn't feel a fucking thing.  
**-Itachi**

Stab him again. You know, just in case.  
**- Hidan**

_Congratulations!_  
_You are the 1,000,000th visitor to this diary._  
_Type your name here to claim your reward._  
_**- ?**_

Ummm…?  
**- Itachi**

Just ignore it. Deidara has been on the internet again.  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**December 14th**

Thanks to fucking Hidan, Kisames cuts are all infected – fucking brilliant.  
If I could kill that dickweed I would.  
On the brighter side of shit, we are in Kusagakure now, having crossed the border yesterday.  
Fucking finally.  
GOD DAMMIT IM SICK OF SWEARING!

Pein  
**- Pein**

Jashin  
**- Hidan**

Cthulhu  
**- Kisame**

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR MAKE BELIEVE GODS! ILL SAY WHAT I WANT

* * *

**December 15th**

According to the dickfuck adoption letter, Kisames parents live at 56 Plant street.  
We checked the shithole out today and figured we'd go talk to the fuckers tomorrow.  
Fucking hell. Sasori had something to do with why I cant stop swearing I fucking know it!

Having fun?  
**- Sasori**

NO IM FUCKING NOT!  
**- Itachi**

I'll fix it when you come back.  
**-Sasori**

You damn fucking better! All the women I usually attract are shit scared of me because they think I'm a homicidal maniac like Mr fucking Immortal.  
Fuck my life, no sex… FUCK!  
THIS DRUG IS MAKING ME ADMIT TO THINGS THAT ARENT TRUE! DON'T LISTEN TO ME!  
**- Itachi**

Maybe you have a virus? I could reformat your hard drive?  
**-Deidara**

ENOUGH WITH THE INTERNET TALK!  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**December 16th**

Well today was… weird…  
We knocked on the door and fucking Zetsu answered it.  
I mean, I knew he had a house in Kusa and all that shit but what the fuck!?  
We are getting a DNA test ran because that shit is fucking freaky.  
I dread to think what his fucking mother looks like.

* * *

**December 17th**

We are staying with Zetsu for the time being to save money on accommodation-

I love you Itachi.  
**- Kakuzu**

-because there is a certain greedy fucking arsehole back at the base who will tear Kisames ass to shreds if I don't, not that I really care, its just that the blood is hard to clean off the floor.  
He could do it to Deidara as well for example and I still wouldn't give a fuck.

_Need a penis enlargement? Send your details to:_  
_  
69 Gofukurself Street_  
_Screwuville, Fire Country_  
_  
For the help you deserve._

**- Deidara.**

* * *

**December 17th**

I'm having Zetsu go and get Sasori so I can stop fucking swearing. He's given me Tourettes is what the little shithead has done.  
Zetsus house is fucking creepy. I always wondered where he went at night time (he doesn't sleep in the base with us) and now I fucking know why.  
There is all these half alive… green things… crawling around in his basement which is fucking nasty.  
Not to mention his industrial freezer with flash frozen shinobi inside it and don't even THINK about getting a fucking drink from the fridge.  
Blood tsunami is all I will fucking say.

* * *

**December 18th**

This house is from the movie Poltergeist I swear… Kisame has been sleeping in the same bed as me of a night time because he says he can hear someone walking down the hallway.  
Needless to say this is really, really annoying.  
Sasori managed to remove his sneaky little jutsu and is staying one more night before we all go back in the morning.  
Deidara decided to tag along because he was curious about Zetsus house.  
He hasn't moved since he saw the weird green things although I had to drag him back up to the attic where we are sleeping because they started crawling up his leg…

* * *

**December 19th**

Woke up to Zetsu three centimeters from my face today.  
Not cool.  
We got the DNA test results and went back to the base to read them, although I don't know WHY Zetsu couldn't just tell us.  
It would have saved a lot of time because as it turns out, Kisame was adopted twice.  
That's right…  
Zetsu adopted him… Got sick of him… And put him back up for adoption again, which is when the Hoshigaki clan took him in.  
Must have been a real shock for Zetsu to have Kisame join the same organization as him.

* * *

**December 20th**

We decided not to buy presents for everyones Christmas this year.  
I did get something for Kisame though – condoms.  
He seems to get around a lot…  
I sent Naruto a ramen voucher that should get him at least 40 bowls for free so no doubt in the next few days or so I will get a surprise visit from him.

* * *

**December 21st**

A woman showed up at the door today looking for Kisame.  
He had gone out so I said she could come in while we waited.  
I don't know HOW she found the Akatsuki base being a civilian and all but oh well.  
The scary part though, was that she claimed to be Kisames mother.

Another shark person?  
**- Sasori**

No, she is a human.  
**- Itachi**

What fucked her?  
**- Hidan**

Or what did she fuck?  
**- Kakuzu  
**  
OH MY GOD!  
**- Konan**

* * *

**December 22nd**

When I told Kisame that his mother was here to see him he was ecstatic.  
He hugged me a few times and looked in the mirror to make sure he looked okay, it was kind of cute if I'm to be honest.  
It was… slightly anticlimactic.  
As soon as he entered the room to see her she began to scream out 'monster!' threw a vase at him (mine) and ran out of the base.  
As it turned out, she wasn't Kisames mother at all.  
He seemed mortified to be called such a name and I swear I saw him die inside.  
I killed the woman of course. Tsukuyomi'd her to hell, stupid bitch.  
'Family' is a word I have come to redefine.  
Even if blood, skin and personalities are different, its where your home is that your family is.  
Kisames home is the Akatsuki, as is mine.  
We are all orphans come together to form our own gathering and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way and I wouldn't change any of them.

Except Hidan. He can go fuck himself.

Screw you Itachi.  
**- Hidan**

Wait, I thought Sasori no danna fixed the swearing problem?  
**- Deidara**

I did…  
**- Sasori**

Seems like Itachi likes us all more than he lets on. That's kind of… sweet.  
- **Konan**

Its not sweet its fucking gay!  
- **Hidan**

* * *

**December 23****rd**

For some reason today, the room I share with Kisame has been buried in small bells and candy canes.  
I don't quite understand why, but the candy canes taste good so…

Its Deidara… He's getting really into Christmas this year and is 'spamming' cheer apparently…  
- **Sasori  
**  
Why isn't he still over that internet thing?  
**- Itachi**

I don't know. A phase I hope.  
- **Sasori  
**  
Is this about the new computer we had put in? I caught Hidan in there the other day.  
**- Kakuzu**

Greaaaaat…  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**December 24th**

Strangely, a massive pile of presents appeared under the Christmas tree this morning.  
(Zetsu didn't want to be a tree this year so we got a real one)  
They all have names on them and it seems we all have about 2 each.  
Personally I am suspicious but the thought it nice.  
Hidan seems overly excited about them and tried to convince everyone to open them early.  
Deidara said we couldn't though, because he didn't want Christmas to be ruined like last year…

* * *

**December 25th**

Unsurprisingly, Tobi was the first awake today.  
We were all up within 5 minutes of his waking though because he was shouting so loud.  
The presents were still there and we made Hidan open one first in case they were a trap or something of the sort.  
When he pulled out a container of polish for his scythe that I deemed legit with my Sharingan, all hell broke loose.  
The presents were all amazing and suited us all perfectly.  
I was given a brand new diary with a lock and key on it (not that it will do much good against the Akatsuki) as well as a new kunai set and a book on birds.  
Kisame got three very rare fish and a few wads of bandages for his swords.  
Sasori was given a new tool set and a giftcard for a warehouse.  
Deidara received 20kg of multicolored clay which explodes like fireworks (for once Sasori is agreeing with his form of art)  
Pein and Konan received almost every matching 'His and Hers' thing you can imagine, ranging from towels to coffee mugs.  
Tobi uncovered about 40 lollypops and Zetsu was ecstatic to find 4 new bags of his special fertaliser.  
Kakuzu looked like he was about to faint when he unwrapped a massive new safe constructed (apparently) of adamantium.  
Hidan only got his polish and a new coil for his scythe but he seemed in a really good mood anyway.  
The rest of the day consisted of playing with our new toys and generally misbehaving.  
One of the best days I have had in a long time…

* * *

**December 26th**

Today wasn't as happy a day as yesterday.  
Mainly because Kakuzu went through his bank statements and found out that all of the presents we received yesterday were bought out of his money and off his account.  
The culprit was narrowed down to Hidan of course.  
I have never seen Kakuzu look so mad but when he tried to kill Hidan (kind of), we all surprised ourselves by standing in his way and protecting him.  
I think Hidan was weirded out as well, but Kakuzu never got to him.  
Good things happen to good people I suppose.

Shucks, asshole. (that wasn't sarcasm by the way)  
-**Hidan  
**  
Hidan, you are my hero!  
**- Deidara**

Marree me?  
**-Kissamee**

What motivated you to do this, Hidan?  
**-Sasori**

…Cause I fucking felt like it.  
**- Hidan  
**  
Pein and I are going to that really expensive restaurant out of town tonight and he wants to know if you want to come? (Providing you don't get drunk and be a nutcase of course)  
**- Konan**

Hidan started crying, so he wont be writing for a while.  
**- Kakuzu**

WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM CRY!? WHAT DID YOU DO!?  
**- Deidara  
- Konan**

He was crying with happiness I think. I walked in on him like this… It's creepy.  
**-Kakuzu**

* * *

**December 26****th**

Despite our protests, Kakuzu returned most of our presents today with the exception of Zetsu, who wouldn't let him take his fertaliser and disappeared with it as soon as he heard what was going on.  
He did let us keep one each though with was actually really generous considering it was him.  
Everyone kept the more expensive ones of course.  
This Christmas was actually pretty good…  
Its New Years Eve I'm worried about…

* * *

Sorry it took so long, it can actually get really hard to write.  
Just a question for people…  
This is a long standing argument that has been going around and I want to settle it.  
Who do you think would win in a fight between Deidara and Itachi?  
Personally I think Deidara would (as amazing as Itachi is)  
Anyway, thanks for reading!  
Rates, reviews, complaints and excuses to be left after the beep!  
Beeeeeep!

* * *

_Kisames translation.  
__(Today we left the Akatsuki base and started walking to grass country. Itachi isn't writing because he cant stop crying. He said he wants to go back to the base. You would think he would be nicer to me bcause I always go where he wants to.  
He is just jealous of my good looks and incredible intelligence.)_


	22. January: Kisames Magic, Hidans Lipstick

**A quicker update than last time.  
I'm actually quite surprised to be honest, the number of reviews to this story (as I am typing) is about 86.  
So as it creeps closer to one hundred (whether it gets there or not) I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who has taken the time out to review and tell me what you think. On the chance it does hit 100, I'll do a request story/chapter as a thanks for the 100****th**** reviewer ****  
So this month is basically about the Akatsukis love life, or in some cases, lack of.  
And happy birthday to Pein!  
Whatever the case, enjoy!**

* * *

**January 1****st**

Well I don't remember anything about our New Years Eve celebration… So it is safe to assume that it was marvelous.  
The damage to the lair is… probably worse then we all thought it would be.  
Spray painted all over the walls in the lounge room are the words "Art is a bang" encircled by Jashins symbol and the occasional "Kakuzu is a hooker" carved into the stone – Neither Sasori or Kakuzu are pleased.  
Pein seems ignorant to it all but I suspect he just doesn't want to deal with screaming first thing in the morning with a hangover.

* * *

**January 2****nd**

Today was spent recuperating from our New Years party.  
Kisame is in a bad mood as it seems someone thought it would be funny to pour red dye into his fish tank.  
My first thought upon seeing it was that one of the fish had followed my example and attempted to slaughter its clan/family – which explained the blood like appearance of the water.  
But alas, it was not to be.  
I have a sneaking suspicion that it was Sasori.  
**  
**

* * *

**January 3****rd**

More tidying up today.  
The entire Akatsuki have become scared of Tobi after a headless corpse was found in his closet spray painted orange.  
Even Hidan cringed.  
What a horrible color…  
The only reason we knew it was Tobi was because he apparently tried the same thing with Zetsu, succeeding only in painting him orange.  
Orange skin and green hair… I have begun to call him Oompa-Loompa.

* * *

**January 4****th**

Hidan has been caught sneaking out of the base.  
Needless to say, we had a meeting and after much torturing him (we threatened to mix pink dye in with his hair gel) he finally spilled.  
Apparently, he has a girlfriend that none of us know about, although I don't quite believe him.  
What girl wouldn't run screaming after hearing him speak?

You are just fucking jealous that the bitches love me and you can't get any.  
**- Hidan  
**  
He has actually started wearing a shirt and dressing a bit nicer when he goes out… I dread to think he is telling the truth, women are expensive."  
**-Kakuzu**

He started wearing a shirt when he goes out? That's unlike him… Maybe he is with a woman?  
**- Sasori**

Yeah well it will probably be off at some point…  
**- Hidan  
**  
You disgust me…  
**- Itachi  
**  
Words cannot express how - JEALOUS I AM OF YOU! – sorry I feel for the woman.  
**-Sasori  
-DEIDARA!**

* * *

**January** **8th**

Sure enough, jealousy has taken hold and Deidara has been leaving the base frequently with Kisame and inhabiting nightclubs and such around the town, occasionally bringing back a girl to stay the night.  
Sir Leader has not been pleased about this.  
Neither has Deidara, for it seems that Kisame has been the only one attracting the attention of the ladies.  
This has of course, put Deidara into a depression period which probably isn't helped when he sees Hidan return to the base with his clothes torn and lipstick smeared across his cheek.  
I have a suspicion that he has actually been doing it to himself to make Deidara jealous…  
I have never known Hidan to buy (and hide) dark red lipstick in his sock drawer.

What the fuck were you doing going through my stuff!?  
**- Hidan**

You go through my things. What is the problem?  
**- Itachi.**

That's different.  
-** Hidan**

Indulge me.  
**- Itachi**

Indulge yourself faggot!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**January 9****th**

If I am to be completely honest, I haven't seen Deidara this down since Kakuzu confiscated his clay for a month after he blew up the kitchen.  
On a brighter note now, Naruto sent me a letter stating that he will be coming to visit me in a day or two (in disguise of course) so I will be stocking up on ramen tomorrow before he arrives.

* * *

**January 10****th**

Originally… I thought that Kisame was paying girls to come back to the lair to tease Deidara.  
I was wrong… So very wrong…  
We went into the neighboring village today to buy ramen for Naruto when out of the blue, a girl ran out of a side street and began to hug Kisame.  
That in itself was surprising, but it got stranger because she followed us and wouldn't let go of his arm.  
After a while about 6 girls were all hugging him, all very beautiful.  
I wonder why…

Didn't you know Itachi? Sharks have two of what us normal men only have one of.  
**- Kakuzu**

ARGH FUCKING MENTAL IMAGES! WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU WRITE THAT DOWN FOR?! NOW WHENEVER I CLOSE MY EYES IM GOING TO SEE KISAMES DICK WAVING AROUND IN FRONT OF MY FACE!  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!  
**- Hidan**

You know what they say, a sleeping mans dream is a waking mans desires.  
**- Sasori**

That's it Pinocchio, I'm going to destroy all of your fucking puppets.  
**- Hidan**

Whatever you say Hidan.  
**-Sasori**

* * *

**January 11****th**

Well today could have gone better…  
Naruto showed up just as he said he would…  
It was his disguise that was the problem.  
You see, everyone had left the base except me and Deidara because I have skills in the way of convincing them out of the lair when I want them out.  
So when Deidara entered the door to Narutos Sexy-no-jutsu and Naruto said "I'm here for the sexy one" things went bad.  
Of course he would never assume that it was ME who was the sexy one (even though Naruto was joking)  
Being the only other male in the base, Deidara assumed that Naruto had come for him and dragged him off to his room.  
Luckily I got there before either of them were scarred for life.

* * *

**January 12****th**

To avoid embarrassing Deidara about nearly stealing Narutos virginity, we decided it would be better to not reveal to him that Naruto wasn't a woman.  
Of course this has just made him even more depressed because he thinks he is the only member of the Akatsuki not getting laid…  
Even though Hidan is faking it and Kisame has magical powers.

* * *

**January 13****th****  
**  
So today I caught Sasori sneaking something into Kisames orange juice.  
Naturally I didn't say anything. If Kisame dies, I get the room to myself.  
Its more interesting to watch anyway.  
For some reason, the woman Kisame had brought home the night before seemed very uncomfortable around him but after he drank the juice, she was all over him again.  
I have a feeling that I am going to have to talk to Sasori…

It's an attraction drug. It releases a chemical in his sweat that attracts females – a pheromone of sorts. Please don't tell anyone I am doing this, I love watching Deidara being miserable.  
**- Sasori**

…What do I get out of it?  
- **Itachi  
**  
I'll make some for you too.  
**- Sasori**

My room at 7. If you are late, I'm telling.  
**-Itachi**

* * *

**January 14****th**

I am going to try this new drug that Sasori concocted for me.  
Only out of curiosity of course, I wouldn't want a bunch of females latching onto me anyway…  
Maybe I can slip some of this to Naruto to solve his 'Sakura issues'

* * *

**January 15****th**

After walking around in the town for an hour after drinking the drug, I have come to the conclusion that it must have been a dud.  
Not a single person approached me.  
It was definitely the drugs fault…  
**  
**

* * *

**January 16****th****  
**  
Something weird has been going on today…  
I walked out of the room I share with Kisame to have breakfast and Deidara and Hidan jumped up and hugged me… VERY weird.  
I mean, it's nice to see Hidan has a softer side…  
I just wish he would try it out on Kakuzu instead of me.

You are a sadistic bastard Itachi…  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**January 17****th**

Last night was to say the least, torturous.  
Deidara and Hidan wouldn't let go of me and ended up sleeping next to me on the floor.  
Kisame thought this was all incredibly funny of course.  
To make things worse, they tried to cuddle with me… Ugh…

* * *

**January 18****th**

Hi umm…. I gave you the wrong drug…  
**- Sasori**

…Whatever do you mean Sasori…?  
-** Itachi**

The one I gave you is to enhance the attractiveness of females to attract males…  
I was supposed to give you the drug that attracts females to males… I'm sorry?  
**- Sasori**

How… long will this last…?  
**- Itachi**

Until tomorrow maybe?  
**- Sasori**

Then you had better started running…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**January 19****th**

True to Sasoris word the drug wore off, leaving Deidara and Hidan immensely confused as to why they were hugging me.  
They couldn't even explain to themselves what was going on and Sasori and I decided to tell them nothing.  
Just for fun.  
As it turned out, Deidara began to think that due to his sex deprived state he had turned into a homosexual, so Sasori had to chase him around the house for an hour before he managed to calm him down.  
Hidans first reaction was that he had been drugged which I denied.  
I was the one who was drugged, I'm not a liar.

* * *

**January 21****st**

Poor Deidara. He just cannot get any luck.  
Earlier today we heard a terrible scream coming from his room and like the loving, caring friends we are, we grabbed the video camera and went to check on him.  
He only let Kakuzu in and after a few minutes we heard him in convulsive laughter.  
He wouldn't tell us until later but apparently in his 'state' Deidara had tried to use the mouths on his hands to… relieve himself of his sexual needs…  
And as you know, mouths have teeth.

One fucking word…. CHOMP!  
-** Hidan**

So his penis probably looks kind of like Hidans neck now right? With the stitches holding it together?  
**- Sasori**

HEY! Don't compare my head to Deidaras dick!  
**- Hidan**

Yes, that is exactly what it looks like Sasori.  
-**Kakuzu**

KAKUZU!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**Haha so yeah…**  
**Poor Deidara.**  
**I read some smut before I did this in case I wanted to… I dunno… incorporate some of what I read into the story considering the main topic. (call it research)**  
**And I seemed to notice that everyone reckons Deidara does some reeeeeeally freaky shit with his hands…**  
**So I figured that no. I am taking a stand.**  
**After this month he will never use his hands for anything but molding clay ever again… Just the way Kishimoto intended…**  
**Before the smug bastard killed him off anyway…**  
**Hope you all liked this month anyway haha  
Oh I have something else to say...**

Oppen Gangnam Style!


	23. February: Swearabet-no-jutsu!

**I'm back!  
And so is the Diary of Doom!  
Am starting ideas for Hidans very own diary as a spin off soon (and whenever I get time) so look forward to that…  
That's all, folks (Been watching Looney Toons, I am so so sorry…)**

* * *

**February 1****st**

Much to my joy. Kisame has left the base on his own little 'mission'. What said mission is I do not know because the irritable little fuck won't tell me.  
Aside from that one little moment of happiness when I found his goodbye note, the rest of the day has been terrible – mainly because of Kakuzu hounding me for money and Deidara destroying my things.

Your payment for having me sew 'Itachi the Awesome' on all of your clothes is due, the total comes to $78.47  
And because you had me stitch them onto Kisames as well (and because his clothes are a lot larger) I'm adding another $246.3  
The total comes to $324.77  
You had better pay up because I am charging 40% interest for everyday you keep me waiting.  
**- Kakuzu**

…That is a ridiculous price… And it was 'Itachi the Epic'. If you have sewn them wrong I will demand a refund.  
**- Itachi**

Don't fucking psych out too much, Pink-eye… My bill for having 'Hidan Is A Fucking Sex God' written on my clothes was $37.85 (where all these little numbers and cents come from I don't fucking know)  
**- Hidan**

That's not so bad Hidan… That's actually better than Itachis, are you rubbing it in?  
**- Sasori**

No… Because Frankenstein charged me an extra 700 fucking dollars when the fucking idiot realized I had given him his own clothes to sew on… That's why he threw all of his clothes out.  
**- Hidan**

LMFAO, OMFG, LOL, ROFL, ILY, MILF, PMSL  
**- Deidara**

Fucking idiot, you don't even know what half of those mean…  
**- Hidan**

Do so!  
Laying My Fridge Around Outside, = LMAO  
Oranges Might Feed Godzilla, =OMFG  
Lots of Love, =LOL  
Rubbing Oil For Libido, = ROFL  
I Like Yoga, =ILY  
My Insides Love Fudge, =MILF  
Pre Menstrual Syndrome (for) Lunch. =PMSL  
**- Deidara**

…Fucking idiot…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**February 2nd**

With Kisame still gone, I have begun to clean out our room. Unfortunately, I have become quite fond of his fish tank so that will be staying as soon as I find someone gullible and intelligent enough to feed them.

* * *

**February 3rd**

I had a garage sale today and sold the majority of Kisame things including his collection of videos featuring naked people and their friends.  
For some reason these were quite popular among Sutorippagakure and Konohagakure shinobi.  
I suspect this is because they are butthurt fools who have taken a dislike to the new 'Anti-procreation-while-at-work' campaign that the Hokage has installed.  
There is/was a REASON there are so many Hidden Leaf shinobi.  
I myself was conceived during a meeting in the Hokages office.

* * *

**February 4th**

Kabuto came by today and said hello, giving out pamphlets to Orochimarus special event at Sutorippagakure which advertises 'a new playground of fun'  
I like playgrounds so I am trying to convince Pein to let us go…  
He seems strangely fascinated with the idea.

I think there is a subtle hidden meaning behind '_play_ground'…  
**- Sasori**

Oh of course… There will be children there. Little pests always getting in my way on the slippery slide..  
**- Itachi**

Does this mean that Pein is a pedophile…?  
**- Naruto**

Of course it does! Why do you think he is so intent on catching you!?  
**- Sasori**

Oh…  
**- Naruto**

…And how the hell did you get in here!?  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**February 5th**

We received a letter from Kisame today notifying us that he will return in a few days with some visitors…  
This displeased me greatly so to make myself feel better, I tricked Zetso into peeing in his fishtank…  
That will teach the foolish fool.

* * *

**February 6th**

There wasn't anything to do today so I played ping-pong with the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi.  
I Tsukuyomi'd him when the score tilted in his favor slightly, so he wont be moving much for a while.

* * *

**February 7th**

Today Deidara and Hidan got into a fight… It was very amusing but unfortunately I missed the end, having been dragged away by a certain money snatching zombie.  
I did see Sasori helping Deidara afterwards though… He looked terrible.

If you think I looked bad, you should have seen Hidan, yeah…  
**- Deidara**

How does Hidan look?  
**- Itachi**

Brilliant, not a scratch on him.  
-** Sasori**

Dannnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a! I told you to lie!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**February 8th**

I'm not happy.  
Not happy at all…  
Apparently, Kisame decided to go grave robbing and found the bodies of his family, after that deciding to bring them to Orochimaru to be revived…  
Now, no matter how many times I kill them, they will always come back…

Carmah iz a bitch, Itarchee.  
**- Kissamee**

Shut the fuck up Kisame...  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**February 11th**

Fortunately, I am not the only one who has been waking up to having spices thrown on me or a limb in one of the Hoshigakis mouths.  
Everyone (including Sasori and Pein) has had a negative run in of some kind with Kisames family.  
Except Hidan who for some reason, the Hoshigakis express no interest in eating. (Probably because he has AIDS)

* * *

**February 12th**

After much arguing with Pein (who too is tired of Kisames family) the Hoshigakis have been exiled to Sasori Land.  
Hidan has expressed interest in visiting them, having gotten along quite well with Kisames sister.

* * *

**February 14th**

You still owe me money, Itachi. If you don't pay up I will confiscate your things.  
**- Kakuzu**

Fine. There isn't anything I treasure so much as to care about anyway… But pleeeeease don't make Kisame leave my room. I just looooove having him as a room mate. He is the oooooooonly thing that I wouldn't want confiscated…  
**- Itachi**

That's okay then, Pein says I cant confiscate people anyway. I already tried with Hidan.  
**- Kakuzu**

Dammit!  
**- Itachi  
**

:(**  
****-Kissamee**

* * *

**February 16th**

Asshole, Buttface, Cunt, Dick, Earhole, Fuckhead, Gaylord, Homofaggot, Irritable-fuck-tard, Jerkoff, Kootch, Lesbo, Motherfucker, Nutsack, Ovaries, Pussy, Queer, Retard, Slut, Twat, Unclefucker, Vagina, Wanker, X-ray, Yellow, Zitface.

What the fuck is that?  
**- Sasori**

It's the Swearabet!  
**- Hidan**

Since when are 'Yellow', 'X-ray' and 'Earhole' swear words…?  
-** Pein**

Shut the fuck up! I ran out of words!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**February 18th**

Yesterdays page is missing because Konan somehow 'ran out of paper' and had to rip out some of mine… I thought she was MADE of paper…  
Oh well, nothing important happened yesterday anyway, other than the hundred dollar bills I stapled to the page to repay Kakuzu…

….

BITCH!

* * *

**February 20th**

Due to today being Konans birthday and me entirely forgetting/ignoring it, I have decided to let her keep the money she stole from my diary.  
Because today was also Yahikos birthday, Pein has thrown himself a celebration in the attic with his 5 other bodies. (Can anyone say 'emo'?)

EMO! I said emo! I said it first, yeah!  
**- Deidara**

Well aren't you special…  
**- Itach****i**

* * *

**February 21st**

Hidan is a Yellow Earhole that needs to be X-rayed!  
**- Pein**

Faggot…  
**- Hidan**

You're just jealous because my God (aka me) is better than yours. I bet you would do ennething to be as awesome as me!  
**- Pein**

Well I… Wait why the fuck did you spell it like that?  
**- Hidan**

Why did I spell what like what?  
**- Pein**

'Ennething' you are spelling fucking it weird.  
**- Hidan**

There isn't ennething wrong with the way I spell ennething.  
**- Pein**

GO BACK TO SCHOOL YOU ILLITERATE EARHOLE!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**February 24th**

Kabuto invited the Akatsuki to his birthday on the 29th again but no one wants to go.  
Probably because its not a leap year and Kakuzu wants to save money on buying presents.  
Oh well, Sutorippagakure will be too noisy anyway. Apparently they do 'birthday specials' now…  
Which reminds me that I still have MY voucher for a special night, as well as Sasuke.  
I must track him down so we can enjoy the thrills of The Village Hidden in the Strippers together…

* * *

**February 27th**

KONAN IS A FUCKING SLUTWHORE!  
**- Hidan.**

WHAAAAAT?!  
**- Konan**

Nothing….  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**Lame way to end I know haha.  
Hope I could make you all laugh again and sorry this update took so long.  
Its getting harder and harder to write haha. I've put the Akatsuki through nearly everything D:  
Please don't ask about Deidaras internet abbreviations… I made them up on the spot haha – hence the idiocy of it…  
Their real meanings (for those of you who dont know somehow) are available in Google Search XD  
As always, rate, review, comment and complain!  
Love you guys (in a non gay, faggy, earhole kinda way…)**


	24. March: Sexy New Member?

**First of all, credit and cookies to Byakusharinnegan for the idea that inspired this chapter.  
Thank you muchly.  
Also thanks to my friend Dae for inspiring me to write Hidan in the first place…  
The speech pattern is uncannily similar…  
Also due to the insistence of others I have started watching Hetalia and I only have one thing to say…  
The damn theme song is stuck in my head…**

* * *

**March 1****st****  
**  
I've taken Itachis diary captive because for some fucking reason he disappeared.  
If I don't look after it the other Akatsuki shitheads will get it and then things will turn into a reaaaal bitch fest.

You like writing in this… Admit it…  
**-Kakuzu**

Fuck off Frankenstein.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 2****nd**

For some reason there is this random naked chick that has started walking around the base. None of us have any fucking idea who she is but no one is complaining. Deidara has started a bet with Sasori to see who can sleep with her first.

You might not want to do that.  
**- Itachi**

Then come and fucking stop me, yeah!  
**- Deidara**

If you want to have a say in it then show yourself, Itachi…?  
**- Sasori**

…

Yeah that's what I fucking thought…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 3****rd**

There isn't anything to doooo! Deidara is annoying the piss outta me.

* * *

**March 7****th**

Random chick is still walking around… She found clothes though – Konans.  
Deidara went to try and seduce her earlier but we found him in a weird daze thing a few minutes later… Stupid prick…

I told you it was a bad idea…  
**- Itachi**

Shut up, Pink eye. It's all good.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 9****th**

After days of scheming (Cause he is a fucking smartass dick like that) Sasori tried his luck with 'Bitch tits'  
Didn't end well for him HAHAHA!

I think we should call her something along the lines of 'beautiful' because let's be honest… she really is.  
**- Pein writing for Kisame (who has his hands stuck in the cookie jar)**

I think something more like 'vicious slut' would be more appropriate, yeah… But she is pretty sexy…  
**- Deidara**

What about 'Prostitute'? They make money and we need more money.  
**- Kakuzu  
**  
Greedy fucking asshole.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 10****th**

Konan has adopted Bitch-tits-beautiful-whore-slut into her room so Pein has been bunking with Kisame (Cause Pinkeye is still lost somehow…) He's being a real dick about it too.  
"Hidan do this, Hidan clean that, Hidan put a fucking shirt on"  
Go fuck yourself dickheads!

Yeah I bet she's really happy in there too… Always hearing them giggling…  
**- Sasori**

I am sneaking in.  
- **Deidara**

* * *

**March 11****th**

IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK, UN!

* * *

**March 12****th**

Tell you what, this new girl is a bitch…  
Talk about up yourself snobby. Just says 'hn' to everything you say.

I think she has a crush on Itachis brother, Sasuke. Have you seen the photos she has been smuggling into Konans room?  
**- Sasori**

I bet if we kidnap Sasuke and hold him hostage she will come out, yeah!  
**- Deidara**

Do what you want but leave Sasuke out of it…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**March 13****th**

For some stupid fucking reason Kisame HAS to have a birthday this year. I'm just going to sacrifice someone in his honor, can't be fucked going out and buying something (Not that fucking Frankenstein will let me anyway!)  
Speaking of Kakuzu, I think he is trying to convince Konan and Bitchtitswhoreslutbeautiful to give him a lap dance or something..  
Stupid fuckhead… Kisame doesn't want a bitch like that all over him…

YES EYE DOO!  
**- Kissamee**

Kisame you don't deserve someone like that. You deserve better.  
**- Sasori**

Eye don't mind! Gimme!  
**- Kissamee**

Don't worry, yeah. We'll find someone one day. It might take a few years before we find just the right person, but you wont miss out in the long run, hmmm?  
**- Deidara**

Y do u peepl hayt me!?  
**- Kissamee**

We luv u Kisarmy!  
**- Tobi**

Fuck off, Tobi.  
**- Hidan**

Yeah, piss off.  
- **Deidara**

We didn't invite you into the conversation…  
**- Sasori**

YOU ARE WASTING PAGES!  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**March 14th**

As Aquamans birthday draws nearer, we are still no closer to getting him a present.  
Itachi is still off somewhere fucking around so who the hell knows what happened to him.  
If we are lucky the jackass will get himself kil-

…I'm finishing this entry because Hidan is lying on the floor in a puddle of blood. It would seem lately that whenever Itachi is insulted people get attacked... Interesting…

* * *

**March 15****th**

Its weird… Whenever someone says the 'I' word, they get hurt…  
So far Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, Pein and Kakuzu are all lying in bed hurt… I am running out of medical supplies and I am not entirely happy about it.  
I don't know where Itachi is but I need hel-

Nooooo! Sasori-san you said the 'I' word! Now I am the only one left!  
**- Genma**

Who the hell is Ge-  
**- Akatsuki**

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
**-Genma**

* * *

**March 17****th**

Tomorrow is Kisames birthday but as a result of their constant pestering, none of the Akatsuki are feeling well enough to attend.  
Because of this, I will sacrifice myself and become Kisame for the day.  
This way, I can go into the town and still receive all the presents and free food the villagers give us out of fear and enjoy cake by the river, in his place.  
This is what he would have wanted…

FUK OFF IT IZ! HEEL ME SO EYE CAN HAV MI BERTHDAI!  
**- Kissamee**

* * *

**March 18****th**

Kisames birthday was today and somehow the shithead managed to heal himself using Sasori 'secret' stash of healing.. healy stuff.  
Whatever the fuck its called…  
Nothing really happened, half of his fish died cause me and Deidara thought it would be funny to put bits of clay in the fish food then detonate them.  
We weren't wrong, it was pretty fucking funny.

Not for Kisame it wasn't…  
**- Sasori**

You have upset my roommate and partner. Normally, I could care less. but as he makes the point that it IS his birthday and I DO owe him a favor, consider yourselves castrated.  
**- Itachi**

Sasori no danna, we are going to Sasori Land for a while, see you later!  
**- Deidara  
**  
You cant, you don't have the keys.  
- **Sasori  
**  
…Isnt it just a patch of fucking dirt a few metres into Suna? Why the fuck do we need keys?  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 21****st**

Deidara is such a lucky bastard… He got the drop on that girl today and managed to kiss her…  
Jackass… He could have at least asked first.  
Not that it would have mattered either way, he still got his ass handed to him.

You guys are going to regret harassing that 'girl'..  
**-Konan**

Why did you put girl inside those mark thing? I fucking forget what they are called… bunny ears or some shit… We know it's a chick because Deidara 'found out'  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 22****nd**

Soooo today was fucking awkward…  
As it turns out… Bitchtits wasn't actually a bitch…  
It was Itachi…  
I really don't get how a fucking S-rank ninja can get stuck in a fucking henge like that.

Itachi-niisan! You did it wrong dattebayo! I told you not to do it when I wasn't around!  
**- Naruto**

Do what you little blonde prick?  
**- Hidan**

Sexy no jutsu!  
**- Naruto**

Wait, so its your fucking fault that Deidara is even more sexually frustrated than he has been over the last few months?  
**- Hidan**

I guess…  
**- Naruto**

…You like ramen, right?  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**March 24****th**

So Deidara hasn't left his room yet.  
He threatened to kill us all if we told anyone he tried (and succeeded) to kiss Itachi this month and Naruto last month but I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight have accidentally written a letter to Orochimaru and Tsunade explaining how fucking funny it is.  
Stupid fucker, he can't kill me for I am immortal!

We could tie rocks to your body and throw you in a lake.  
**- Sasori**

We could burn you  
**- Kakuzu**

We could cut your body into pieces and scatter them throughout the globe…  
**- Pein**

Or we could make him choke on juice and mail him to Sasuke.  
**- Itachi**

SHUT UP ITACHI!  
**- Sasori and Pein**

* * *

**March 25****th**

After my embarrassing fall from grace when I accidentally caught myself in a henge jutsu, I had to move into Konans room lest the other Akatsuki (namely Deidara who is so sexually frustrated that prostitutes avoid him) attempt to grab me.  
It is Narutos fault really… Ever since I saw that sexy no jutsu I had a strange overwhelming urge to try it…  
I am willing to bet that Sasuke will accept me back into the family if he thinks I am a long lost female relative!

Oh yes, well done. The cure to all family problems – sexy jutsu time!  
**- Sasori**

Well its better than his original plan – Help Sasuke make the right choices but if he doesn't then brainwash him…  
**- Kakuzu  
**  
I preferred the whole "Make Sasukes hate the only driving force in his life"  
**- Pein**

Pfft… Yeah, that'll help…  
**- Deidara **

My name is Deidara, I am so sexually frustrated that I latch onto the first female I see with a pulse...  
**- Itachi**

HEY!  
**- Deidara**

My name is Pein, I inhabit other peoples bodies because I have a low self esteem and anorexia.  
**- Itachi**

Itachi…  
**- Pein**

My name is Sasori, my grandmother is a pedophile who watches me constantly  
**- Itachi**

Fuck you, Uchiha…  
**- Sasori**

I've made my point.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**March 27****th**

As thanks to Hidan for watching over my diary while I was… Unable… I have given him a reward of $3000… I'm sure Kakuzu will notice the missing amount from his safe at some point…

* * *

**So there you go.  
Hope this month wasn't too bad!  
As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!  
…Or not…**


	25. April 1st

**April 1st**

After much consideration, I have decided to burn my diary and never speak of it again.  
It holds too much information on the lives of the Akatsuki (or so Sir Leader tells me)  
Though I honestly I don't see the problem…  
The only things of interest to outside shinobis is documentation of Deidaras crabs.  
Although Pein did make a very valid point that on numerous occasions my diary HAS been hijacked by numerous ninja… Specifically a blonde jinchurikki that I technically should be trying to kidnap.  
But I digress, what kind of Uchiha holds a diary anyway?  
I'm afraid this is the end of Itachis Diary of Doom…


	26. April: What We Love About Itachi

**I have to say... I watched 'The Mummy' the other day...  
Why the fuck did they choose Imhotep to be the bad guy!? He was basically made a deity because of his awesome architecture and medicinal skills...  
Seriously - worse candidate for evil mummy persona ever...  
Ramses would have been better, that guy was a dick.  
Anyway, enough of my ranting about meaningless little things that piss me off...  
I'm sorry for the last chapter - that wasn't very funny of me considering that it isn't actually April Fools Day but...  
Oh well..**

**As long as I can still come up with ideas, Itachis Diary of Doom will go on!**

Enjoy!

* * *

**April 2****nd**

Unfortunately due to my "unfunny" and "apocalypse worthy" April fools attempt I have been stripped of my dango vouchers…  
It is Hidans birthday today, although he didn't want us to make a big deal of it.  
Coincides with this years Jashin Prayer Day or something…

* * *

**April 3****rd**

Nothing of interest has been happening around the base of late. The only thing that seems vaguely noteworthy is Hidans new ritual.  
Kind of freaky actually, something about combining the evil of weasels and sharks in a violent display of passion…  
I can't help but think he is making vague homosexual references…

* * *

**April 4****th**

This past week I cannot help but feel slightly down. Perhaps I'm just still in shock from Deidaras… beautiful… kiss… last month...  
The nightmares have not yet stopped…

* * *

**April 5****th**

Hair  
**- Konan**

Level of hygiene and shit  
**- Hidan**

Hatred for Deidara  
**- Sasori**

Nufing  
**- Kissamee**

Hatred for Sasori no danna  
**- Deidara**

Constand state of happyness!  
**- Tobi  
**  
I'm going to stop you all now before you continue because if I do not, there is no doubt in my mind that I will somehow contract a hideous disease of some sort… What do you think you are doing?  
- **Itachi  
**  
They thought they would cheer you up by writing the things they like about you.  
**- Kakuzu**

I see… I feel so much better.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**April 8th**

The Imposter is running around again apparently. I've not yet encountered him but all sorts of evil has been going on so I've been told…  
Hidans Jashinist paraphernalia has been replaced with the teachings of Buddha (which in all likeliness was just Sasori being a prick)  
And three of Peins bodies have gone missing, a note left behind telling us that they felt they were not achieving their full potential and they ran off to join the circus…  
Goes to show the high hopes Pein has for the future of the Akatsuki, hmm?

* * *

**April 9****th**

I'm not quite sure as to the logical reasons behind it… But apparently I am now The Imposter – as accused by the other members anyway.  
Ridiculous theory.

You stole my fucking scythe and pendant you motherfucking dick sucking asshole prick douche buttpirate shit fuck crap soup xray dick!  
**- Hidan**

You forgot earhole.  
**- Itachi**

SHUT IT PRICK!  
**- Hidan**

Soup is new…  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**April 10****th**

Morals are low as things continue to go missing – Kisames fish tank being one of them.  
Personally I think that Kumogakure shinobi are involved somehow… Because they are mean like that.

Your getting old – I saw a grey hair in your hair brush.  
-** Hidan**

On the topic of hair, I really hate that yours is so long, Itachi. It looks stupid…  
**-Deidara**

I lik ur infearior intelligents bcoz eye am sooo much beta than u  
**- Kissamee  
**  
I hate your sexuality  
**- Sasori**

I hate your **bipolar personality**, nice one minute, **hard arse the next**  
-** Zetsu**

HYPOCRITES! Wait, Sasori why do you hate my sexuality…? You know I'm straight, correct?  
**- Itachi**

I know.  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**April 11th**

Itarchee haz bean bangin hiz head agenst the door sinz larst nite… Wat did u peepl do!?  
**- Kissamee**

* * *

**April 13****th**

After tediously avoiding Sasori the last few days, I have come to discover something extraordinary…  
Hidan sings in the shower – he is quite good as well.  
As if straightening his hair didn't make him girly enough…

Tell someone about it, fucker…  
**- Hidan**

Okay.  
**- Itachi**

Wait, what? NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I- Oh fuck you, you would have anyway… Sadistic arsehole…  
**- Hidan, the best singer in the world**

* * *

**April 15****th**

Annoyingly, Orochimaru has decided to bring Sasuke over for a week or so while he has the chicken pox.  
Peins idea 'apparently'.  
Supposedly he wants us all to hang around my foolish little brother so that we contract it as well… So we don't get it in the future.  
Not quite sure he realizes that the older you get, the more dangerous it is to have chicken pox…

THANK JASHIN FOR CHICKEN POX!  
**- Hidan**

Why are you so happy…  
**- Deidara**

Because Kakuzu is 92.  
**- Hidan**

Ohhhhhhh… Heh heh… Pity Sasori no danna cant get chicken pox, being made of wood and all…  
**- Deidara**

Termites Blondie…Use fucking termites.  
**- Hidan**

Deidara, if you come anywhere near me with a wood eating bug I promise that you will die a very painful death.  
**- Sasori**

Yes, Sasori no danna…  
**-Deidara**

Whipped…  
**  
**

* * *

**April 18****th****  
**  
I'm not quite sure what to do now that I have this but…  
Oh well, I'm sure I'll find a use.  
It's always funny to see Itachi go on a rampage when his diary goes missing anyway.  
Passing this off to a higher up from another village sounds good too… In the mail it goes..

* * *

**April 20****th**

Although I do not know who sent this to me, I will have to find a way to thank them.  
As the Kazekage, knowing my and defeating my enemy is the best thing possible.  
Also-

* * *

**April 21****st**

They get free trips to Sutorippagakure!?  
Oh my god… The Akatsuki sound awesome…  
**- Kankuro  
**  
Do as I fucking say because if I have to write it down twice I will kill you in the most fucking brutallest way possible blah blah blah.  
Apparently I'm supposed to tell you that since I am the only other one in the base, I get to be the lucky fuckin ducky to give you a message  
Send the diary to:

_{censored for the safety of the Akatsuki}  
_  
Or else, you know, cliché threatening bullshit…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**April 23****rd**

My diary is covered in sand… brilliant.  
Apparently a boy claiming to be a 'puppet master' delivered the diary first hand and wanted to join our organization.  
I told him he could under one condition…  
If he could not fall into a coma when I stare at him.

* * *

**April 24****th**

While the results of my Tsukuyomi on the boy with purple makeup where satisfying, I now face the arduous task of sending him back to Suna.  
It was so annoying finding a postage box big enough to fit him in.

* * *

**April 26****th**

I received a lovely letter from the Kazekage today asking me why every time his brother crosses an Akatsuki member, he ends up in a coma?  
He suggested that next time we just kill him already to save medical supplies.  
Sasori seems pleased with this development.

* * *

**April 28****th**

Plans for Deidaras birthday are beginning.  
Normally we wouldn't care that much but this year he seems dead set confidant that if we do not throw him a birthday he will blow up the base.  
We are deciding to just humor him for now.

Oi, Sir Leader! I could take care of our little blonde problem? Saves money on party supplies?  
**- Hidan**

Do it.  
**- Kakuzu**

Woo! totally doing it!  
**- Hidan**

As epic a battle as that would be to watch, the aftermath would inevitably cost more than the party itself.  
-** Pein**

DON'T DO IT!  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**April 29th**

As fortune would have it, another of our bases has been destroyed… this time (again) via explosions.  
I can't help but wonder if our lairs and hideouts are doomed from the beginning…  
Tobi/Sasuke blew one up on Christmas, Tobi stunk out another with a skunk, our current one was blown up and Sasori land was too small…  
It seems that 'Tobi' and 'explosions' are a regular theme when it comes to the destruction of our bases…

Wait for it… Wait for it…  
**- Hidan**

But… Tobi iz a good boy…  
-** Tobi**

Fucking knew he would say that…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**Okay so there is another chapter churned out.  
Pretty shameful of me making last chapter an April fools joke when it isnt actually April Fools Day...  
Oh well, everyone shall get over it. Ill admit it wasnt that great a joke anyway haha  
And damn you to those people who follow and favourite my story but dont review!  
At least one would be good XD**

**And as follows; leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the _{censored due to safety reasons}_**


	27. May: The Forth Be With You!

**Okay guys, I realize that last month wasn't that funny but come onnnnnnnnn!**  
**Three death threats? I'm flattered…**  
**I shan't do it again lol.**  
**Anyway, this month is random bullshit at its finest (I haven't even started writing it yet but I KNOW it will be stupid)**  
**Enjoy!**

* * *

**May 1st**

To my displeasure, it would appear that having a job is now a mandatory part of being in the Akatsuki.  
Unfortunately, upon finding this out I also discovered that Pein would not allow me to quit said organization.  
I begin my resume tomorrow.

* * *

**May 2nd**

No luck with writing my resume.  
I suppose that having my achievements down as:

Successfully murdered entire clan,  
Succeeded in psychologically scarring several people (in my opinion that qualifies me as a psychiatrist at least)  
Have been employed as an S-rank take-over-the-world-for-the-good-of-evil ninja

While I understand that this doesnt really make me sound like a people person, I expect my potential employers to at LEAST take my various skills into account.

* * *

**May 3rd**

Kisame won't get a job. I know it.  
The fact that the first line of his resume is "Mi naym iz Kissamee + I lyk sords" kind of reinforces my suspicions…

* * *

**May the 4th**

Be with you…

Not fucking funny Itachi…  
**- Hidan**

Give the guy a break, its his first time watching Star Wars.  
**- Konan**

* * *

**May 5th**

Sasori has managed to secure a part time job at a pharmacy – no surprises there, although as I understand it, Deidara has snuck some explosives into one of the medicine bottles that said puppet will take to work tomorrow.  
I look forward to hearing the results…

I'll keep you posted, yeah!  
**- Deidara**

If I find out this is true and that Sasori has lost the means to make money for this organization, I will make you work two jobs Deidara.  
**- Pein**

SASORI NO DANNA WHEN YOU READ THIS COME TO MY ROOM!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**May 6th**

Got a job bitches! Bet you fuckers won't get as high paying a career as me either!  
**- Hidan**

What are you doing, yeah?  
**- Deidara**

I don't care what it is, if its high paying, I approve.  
**- Kakuzu**

I'm not fucking telling you what I'm doing…  
**- Hidan**

That means its embarrassing.  
**-Itachi**

I bet he is one of those people that gives prostate exams, eheehehehe  
**- Deidara**

Don't be ridiculous brat, he doesn't have the necessary qualifications (or the patience…) By the way, I need to have a word with you involving exploding pills…  
**-Sasori**

Eye saye thaat Heedan worcz wif Orochimaru aht teh eemo fahrm; Sutorippagacure  
**-Kissamee**

How is it that the only fucking word he spelt right in that the sentence was the hardest fucking one…? I only just figured out how to spell the pedophiles name a few weeks ago.  
**- Hidan**

Ur juzt jeluz that eye cann spel beta than u, mothafuka.  
**- Kissamee**

…You wanna go?  
**- Hidan**

Bring it biznitch!  
**-Kissamee**

* * *

**May 9th**

After yesterdays brawl between Hidan and Kisame, which left the majority of the lair destroyed, Pein has put more pressure on us to find employment, going so far as to threaten to find a job for us if we do not have one in three days.

* * *

**May 10th**

Hidan still won't tell us who he is employed by, although his pay checks are rolling in so he mustn't be lying.  
Apparently the pills Deidara spiked were weight loss pills and when the female customer swallowed one it literally blasted her fat away… She was very satisfied.  
As a result, Deidara now has a respectful job developing medicines and cures – a job much more suited to Sasori who has been sulking for the last three hours.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA!  
**-Hidan**

Seriously? What the hell…  
**- Kakuzu**

*bows down* thank you, thank you. Ill be here all week, try the steak!  
**- Deidara**

Shut up, Deidara...  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**May 11th**

Well the majority of the Akatsuki are now employed.  
Konan has taken up a job teaching origami to kindergarden students (which has Pein worried that it may encourage her want of a child)  
Sasori and Deidara, as previously mentioned, are in the pharmaceuticals industry.  
Hidan is a stripper or something.  
Zetsu now owns a greenhouse,  
Tobi has been helping Konan babysit children (a horrifying thought I know...)  
Kisame is a jobless, illiterate, useless waste of space.  
And Kakuzu is a seamstress.

I'm NOT a seamstress, I am a clothes repairman.  
**- Kakuzu**

Call it what you want Frankenstein, you're still doing a fucking girly job. AND IM NOT A STRIPPER!  
**- Hidan**

Are you being sexist?  
**- Konan**

What? No I'm not being fucking sexist. It IS a girls job.  
**- Hidan**

I'm fucking sick of you misogynist fucks! Konan, make me a sandwich, Konan, do the washing, Konan cook me dinner – just because I'm a woman doesn't mean you can't all be independent! YOU WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT ME YOU IDIOTIC MEN!  
In now day society there IS NO SUCH THING AS A WOMANS JOB!  
How about YOU cook me dinner and make ME a sandwich Hidan!? But nooooo you wont because it's a WOMANS job, well FUCK YOU!  
**- Konan**

…What just happened?  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**May 12th**

…Hidan seems to be getting in a lot of fights lately.  
On the bright side of things. Kisame and I are still jobless, this means that Pein will be finding us employment. I look forward to seeing how he incorporates my marvelous talents into the work industry.  
Kisame will probably work at a McDonalds or something.

* * *

**May 13th**

I will not be starting work until the 15th according to my new work schedule (or so Pein tells me)  
Kisame, surprisingly, has gotten a job at a weapons stall in the market place down town.  
Apparently in the one day he has been working there, it has been twice as popular.  
I suppose he attracts all the other talentless, illiterate freaks.

Fuk u Itarchee. Eye no wat ur job iz… hahahaha  
**- Kissamee**

Do tell?  
**- Itachi**

Nop, dis wil b funni!  
**- Kissamee**

* * *

**May 14th**

It was lovely having the day to myself while everyone was at work.  
I read a whole 3 books and ate one of 'Kissamees' fish.

* * *

**May 15th**

At this very moment… I have… homicidal urges…  
If anyone… ANYONE… Come anywhere near me tonight…  
I will kill everyone…

He's just angry because he has to work at McDonalds XD  
**- Deidara**

Dude, I fucking WENT there after my job and saw him. He was wearing the little hat and everything! So fucking cute!  
**- Hidan**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
**- Sasori**

Congrats on earning a 'non-girly' job. Would you like fries with that?  
- Konan

I'm not even going to use my Sharingan on you. It will be much more satisfying... without it...  
-** Itachi**

* * *

**May 16th**

After a lovely day at work, during which I was promoted to manager, I returned home to the base greeted by Konan, Hidan, Deidara and Sasori, all of whom currently reside in wheelchairs.

Yeah great… Our medical bills have gone through the roof.  
**- Kakuzu**

How the fuck did you get promoted so soon?  
**-Hidan**

He killed everyone… McDonalds is trying to sue.  
**- Pein.**

No problem. I'll kill them too.  
**- Itachi**

Oh? And what about the law enforcers who come after you?  
**- Pein**

Everyone dies. Pretty soon there will be no one left with the courage to oppose me!  
**- Itachi**

Whatever. Just Mangekyou them until they forget okay?  
**- Pein**

That's not as fu-  
**- Itachi**

I DON'T CARE IF ITS NOT AS FUN! DO IT!  
**- Pein**

* * *

**May 18th**

McDonalds has take back its threat to sue. Mainly because all involved conveniently 'forgot' that there was a store wide massacre.  
No harm no foul.  
As a reward for getting jobs, Pein is taking us all out to a karaoke bar. He thinks I'm not coming but I am.

* * *

**May 21st**

Well, after a lovely night drinking we found out what Hidans job is.  
Apparently his lovely voice has him winning all the top prizes at Karaoke bars – some of which are over 500$  
Kakuzu, while being impressed is also greatly amused.

Shut the fuck up. My pay check is better than yours you fucking asshole. At least I didn't kill everyone.  
**- Hidan**

Yes but if you did you could have robbed the bar and earned close to 5000$  
**- Itachi**

Well… fuck…  
**- Hidan**

We are NOT resorting to criminals acts to earn money. You will do this the old fashioned way.  
**- Pein**

Did you just say the 'O' word…?  
**- Kakuzu**

OH MY GOD GET OVER IT KAKUZU! YOU ARE 93 THIS YEAR – YOU ARE FUCKING OLD!  
**- Konan**

Tobi agrees with Bluey!  
**- Tobi**

Shut up, Tobi.  
**-Kakuzu**

Yeah fuck off, seriously.  
**- Hidan**

Who let him out of the cage!?  
**- Deidara**

He was annoying me in here! Buy him his own cage!  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Oh… Sorry. You can sleep with me if you want?  
**- Deidara**

No homo…  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

* * *

**May 23rd**

Naruto today sent me a letter telling me that a dolphin is having a birthday on the 26th  
I do quite enjoy dolphins, so I shall be attending, as will Kisame and Konan who also enjoy dolphins.

What the fuck? I like dolphins too, I'm fucking coming!  
**- Hidan**

You just told me last week that you hate sea creatures, you used Kisame as an example.  
**- Kakuzu**

Yeah but birthdays mean free cake!  
**- Hidan**

Oh, in that case, I like dolphins too!  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**May 25th**

Today Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame and I have left the base and headed off to Konoha to celebrate this dolphins birthday.  
Naruto sent me a letter informing me that he will meet me a few kilometers off the border to discuss disguises.  
The poor dolphin must be scared of criminals.

* * *

**May 26th**

As it turns out, this dolphin was actually Narutos school teacher Iruka. Forgive my mistake.  
As per tradition, Hidan got drunk and was kicked out of the party.  
Iruka seemed to be a lovely man, he had many interesting stories about my foolish little brother.  
I must admit… Whilst I knew he wasn't the straightest shooter in the world, I had no idea that he was so attention depraved that he kissed my foolish adopted little brother, Naruto.  
That is incest. And that is disgusting.  
When I pass it shall be Naruto who is the Uchiha clan heir. Not Sasuke.

A non Uchiha Uchiha heir…  
Makes sense to me…  
**- Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidaaaaaaa aaaaaaan (still drunk)**

Perfect sense. You might as well kill off your… clan…  
**- Sasori**

He did….  
**- Kakuzu**

DON'T JUDGE ME, I HATE YOU ALL!  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**Wow, I predicted right, it was complete and utter random bullshit.. :S  
Thanks to everyone who has followed this so far and a special thanks to all you lovely reviewers.  
I gotta say, even if its just a comment that says 'lol', it still warms my cold black little heart :D  
And as per tradition, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!  
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep**


	28. June: Embrace the Inner Murderer

**Happy birthday to Sasori who turns 40..60…30 something in a few days and also to Hayate who also turned something a few days ago.  
I've also gotta say... I've read a few Genma fics lately out of boredom and have to ask...  
Why is it people always make him out to be a hyper active homosexual intent on getting into Raidou/Hayate/Kakashi/Iruka/Naruto/Aobas pants? Not that it isnt funny... Because it really fucking is XD  
Just wondering lol...  
Umm… Yeah that's all I got I think haha…  
Onwards and away in a that-a-way direction!**

* * *

**June 1st**

Today was my mothers birthday. So like every other year and as per a long standing tradition – I ignored it.  
No hard feelings mum.

Fucking arsehole  
**- Sasuke**

3  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**June 2****nd**

Unfortunately… And much to my… annoyance… Pein has begun experimenting with different kinds of therapy to help us all calm down and 'embrace the inner murderer'  
Because of course it has such a high chance of working…

* * *

**June 3****rd**

I know this is random and one hundred percent un-fucking-called for…  
But when you least expect it, I'm going to put razorblades in your bed.  
…Just so you know…

Whatever, Hidan…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**June 4th**

Therapy so far isn't as terrible as I was led to believe.  
Today we all sat in a circle and introduced ourselves (which was completely unnecessary considering we live together) and talked about things that relax us while Konan lit candles and Pein threw rose petals at us.  
Interesting to find out that what relaxes Kakuzu the most is foot massages… Creepy.

What about Blondie? Puppies – bahahahaha  
**-Hidan**

I don't see why you are laughing… Mr Fireflies-by-the-River  
**- Sasori**

Hey, fuck off!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**June 5****th**

As the only thing yesterdays therapy session has accomplished was allowing the Akatsuki to find each others weak spots and thus far exploit them, Pein has decided that a less personal approach is best…  
Foolish man.

* * *

**June 7****th**

Todays session has Pein convincing us that we are all to find pets.  
I don't really see the point but whatever…

Fuck yes! I'm getting me a rabid turtle!  
**- Hidan**

I would prefer if you got an animal not susceptible to dying from disease at any moment. Not to mention that having a turtle with rabies is FUCKING STUPID.  
**- Pein**

Fine, I'm getting a cow  
**-Kakuzu**

Fishy  
**- Kissamee**

Wall-russ  
**- Toe bee**

Beaver  
**- Sasori**

… You would do that Sasori no danna…  
**- Deidara  
**  
Wait.. Toe Bee? Holy shit that just gave me a really fucking weird mental image...**  
- Hidan**

* * *

**June 8th**

As it is my birthday tomorrow I plan on spending the day doing what I want and relaxing.  
A cake would be nice. Not to mention that I feel tempted to burn down some of Fire Country again…

* * *

**June 10****th**

For some reason that seems to elude me, no one even mentioned my birthday yesterday.  
I mean, I didn't really care so much about not having a party but at least a 'happy birthday' or two would have been nice.

Today was Itachis birthday. So like every other year and as per a long standing tradition – we ignored it.  
No hard feelings Uchiha.  
- **Konan  
**  
Well that was rude… At least Naruto found it in his heart to send me a dango stick.. even though he is currently mourning the loss of one of hs frog things that he accidentally stepped on  
**- Itachi  
**  
He... He was only a tadpole... And he wriggled under my foot... I miss him...**  
- Naruto**

* * *

**June 11th**

The search for a pet is coming along… well.  
Kisame already had pet fish so he got off the hook easy… (No pun intended)  
Kakuzu wasn't able to buy a cow because it wouldn't fit in the base – instead he has bought a Shetland pony, although for what reason I'm not sure…

* * *

**June 12****th****  
**  
Due to his inability to find a turtle with rabies, Hidan has instead 'chanced' across a 'mermaid' whilst he was travelling along the sea shore.  
This of course is absolute bullshit considering we don't even live NEAR the ocean and that mermaids don't exist.  
He has yet to show us the girl/fish/whatever anyway. Probably all a ruse to cover up the fact that he burned himself with a hair straightener and is now in fact, quite hideous.

I'm not hideous! Just because I don't go to a salon or sleep with vegetables on my face like some people, doesn't mean I'm ugly!  
**- Hidan**

I request you stop looking in my diary.  
**- Itachi**

Oh fuck off. Why would I?  
**- Hidan**

Because I'm going to punch you in the kidney if you don't…  
**- Itachi**

Sooo-rry, Mr I-kill-people-to-relax. Would you like me to send a dagger to your emo brother so you don't have to kill him yourself?  
**- Hidan**

The thought is appreciated but not the sarcasm.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**June 13****th**

Guy guys guys! I got a pet!  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Wow, sick! What did you get lil guy?  
**- Deidara**

It's a secret.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi  
**  
Fuck off it's a secret. Tell us.  
**- Hidan**

Leave him be. He will tell us when he tells us.  
**- Sasori**

Its an imaginary puppy.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Does anyone NOT own a make believe animal?  
**- Pein**

I have a pony  
**- Kakuzu  
**  
NO YOU DON'T! IT'S A PERSON IN A HORSE SUIT! I SAW THEM!  
**- Hidan**

I have an orange haired monkey thing. It was in a horrible accident and its body (namely its face) is held together by lots of shiny sticks, rods and piercings. Its quite ugly now that I think about it… I consider everyday whether or not I should have it put down... But it needs my superior skills to feed it, do its laundry and generally whatever else it wants and hence, I am trapped into being its keeper... I call it Intheass  
**- Konan **

Wow… Really? That's actually really fucking sweet… Poor little ugly fuck…  
**- Hidan**

You're a good person, Konan  
**- Deidara**

Oh dear god, are you serious? If he knows you are talking about him he will kill you. That isnt even a funny pun! Intheass... pfft...  
**- Sasori**

Maybe you should have been a vet, Konan. Your kind ways don't seem to be suited to the Akatsuki.  
**- Pein**

Thanks everyone!  
**- Konan**

Idiots…  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**June 14****th**

Deidara acquired a puppy by unknown means today. Annoying little thing, I have half a mind to feed it to Zetsu.  
Funnily enough though, it actually seems fairly terrified of Deidara.  
The instant he brought the squirming little creature through the door it jumped from his arms and made a beeline for the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi who was playing with building blocks on the floor.

* * *

**June 15****th****  
**  
Since yesterday, the small puppy hasn't been seen out of the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis sight. Several times, Deidara attempted to 'rescue' it only for it to bite him and huddle behind the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis legs.  
If I didn't know any better I would say it hated him.

Everyone hates me… Women… the Akatsuki… defenseless little puppies that I save from butchers… It's not fair!  
**- Deidara**

It's funny because it's true.  
**- Sasuke**

Shut the fuck up, Sasuke! Or I'll feed you to Hidan!  
**- Deidara**

Wha-… I don't eat people…?  
**- Hidan**

Don't worry, Deidara, I'm sure that someone likes you.  
**- Sasori**

Nooo… Nooo they doooont…!  
**- Deidara**

He is right you know… We really don't.  
**- Kakuzu**

Shut up Kakuzu and leave him alone!  
**- Konan**

Konan…? You stood up for me… Do you like me?  
**- Deidara**

Hell no, I'm just sick of you crying on the carpet.  
**- Konan**

D:  
**- Deidara**

Aaaaaaaaaaaand we're back to the internet faces and stuff…  
**- Sasori…**

* * *

**June 17****th**

So today I watched as the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi played with Deidaras puppy while Deidara plotted in the background.  
It was… extremely amusing.  
Even more so when Sasuke decided to show up and in a rare moment of brotherly something or other, sat with me to mock said terrorist.  
I feel that our family ties are one step closer to being retied.

Gay.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**June 18th**

Well it would seem that Deidara has left the Akatsuki and abducted the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis puppy… Pein has dispatched search parties so that we can find the poor creature that Deidara holds hostage. We have eliminate on sight orders… So this should be fun…

It's MY puppy you fucking idiots! Don't touch me!  
**- Deidara**

We don't have to touch you to kill you.  
**- Itachi**

Wow, someone cant fucking share. What is this? Kindergarden? Fucking idiot.  
**- Hidan**

Come near me and Ill blow you all to hell you fucking arseholes!  
**- Deidara**

Oh please, you couldn't hit us even if you tri-  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**The end! Lol. (Not really)**  
**I've cut this short because I started writing it… then I got sleepy… Then I ate lunch, and then I decided that Deidara could just blow them all to hell for all I care. (I care much more than that)**  
**I will write the rest of the month in a day or two when I have time off from work.**  
**Anywho, stay tuned for that!**

**Guess whose birthday is next month (July) on the 17****th****…? Heh heh heh XD**

**The Akatsuki will celebrate for this one – I promise.  
And hence, invitations are extended to all of you lovely people who wish to attend Genmas birthday.  
Reservations are due in 7 days time so let me know quick or you won't get a chair or piece of birthday cake.  
Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep, un!  
(Insert massive explosion here)**


	29. June Part Two: Naruto and Baka

**Okay so a few people have sent me reservations for Genmas birthday lol.  
PM or review telling me which village you would like to meet him in and what you would like to say!  
Ill include it in next months Special Birthday edition haha.  
So far that means, **_Byakusharinnegan, Katsumi Hatake, Dei-Dei Wolfgirl __**and **__enerongoku77._**  
Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

**July 19****th**

Being the only one who managed to survive Deidaras explosion intact, I have spent the day poking each of the Akatsuki where they are sore for my own entertainment.  
Namely Kisame, who has a large wound to his chest.  
I honestly don't know why he made such a big deal when I sat on the couch opposite him and rested my feet on him… Foolish Middle-age Mutant Ninja Fish.

* * *

**July 20th**

Deidara came back today.  
Or rather, Orochimaru bought him back after he began causing trouble in Sutorippagakure.  
I put the puppy up for adoption as punishment for Deidaras atrocious sharing skills.  
This is why we can't have nice things.

YOU GOT RID OF THE PUPPY!? WHERE DID YOU SEND IT!? DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!?  
**- Sasori**

To the butchers.  
**-Itachi**

Oh my god…  
**- Deidara**

You psycho prick… Who does that?  
**- Kakuzu**

This reminds me of my 9th birthday party…  
**- Sasuke.**

…You didn't…  
**- Hidan.**

No. I didn't. I painted it red and sent it to Naruto. Hopefully he thinks it's a fox and decides to keep it.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July 21st**

We have begun sending out invitations to the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis birthday party.  
A temporary peace treaty has been drawn up between the Akatsuki and every other village which means we will be doing a tour around the countries so that every other nation can celebrate with us.  
Sunagakure is first on the list followed by, Iwa, Kiri (damn), Konoha, Sutorippa and Kumo.  
Hopefully, we don't get thrown out from any of these…

I love how you say it like there is a chance we wont get thrown out.  
-** Hidan**

I… I think I love you guys…  
**-Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

* * *

**July 22nd**

FOX! YOU SENT ME A FOX! ITACHI I LOVE YOU! HE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! AND HE BEAT AKAMARU IN A FIGHT! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  
**- From Naruto and Baka**

...Why did you call it Baka…?  
**-Itachi**

Because Sakura said she thought it suited him and that he takes after me  
**- Naruto**

…I-I think I am going to jump off a cliff…  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**July 23rd**

After retrieving Sasoris shattered body and putting it back together, we sent Hidan off to make the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis birthday cake.  
Despite protests from the other members, I have the utmost faith in his cooking skills.

Two words… Food poisoning.  
**- Deidara**

Didn't Hidan try and cook once and failed miserably?  
**- Sasori**

Yes but only because he tried to cut the meat he had cooked with his scythe. We should have no troubles this time, he hasn't got any opportunities to use it.  
**- Itachi**

What, so cutting the cake and stirring the mixture don't count?  
**- Kakuzu**

…Kakuzu, see me in my room, I dont appreciate your sarcasm.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July 25th**

To my joy, the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi has taught us the Flying God Thunder technique.  
This means that we will be able to travel quickly to the other villages without delay, meaning more time to party!

WOO PARTY!  
**- Deidara**

YEAH PARTY!  
**- Sasori**

Hey, is your emo as shit brother coming?  
**- Hidan**

Yes… Yes I will be.  
**- Sasuke**

You're still wearing the Jashin pendant and slicking your hair back like I told you right?  
**- Hidan**

…Yes…  
**- Sasuke**

Good. You know what the consequences are if you don't wear them.  
**- Hidan**

Do tell…?  
**- Itachi**

NO DON'T TELL HIM!  
**- Sasuke**

...On second thoughts, I don't want to know.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July 27th**

All of our letters came back today. We have clearance to travel in any country for the duration of next month to celebrate the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis birthday. Fun times will be had.

Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi for president!  
**- Deidara**

Because its my birthday next month, can you all call me Genma?  
**- Senbon Chewing Shinobi**

Sure thing Senbon Chewing Shinobi.  
**- Hidan**

Yeah we won't forget your name SCS!  
**- Deidara**

Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys!  
**- Genma**

Sorry, I cant see it sticking.  
**- Kakuzu**

Hmph…  
**- Senbon Chewing Shinobi.**

Hey hey! Lets call him Raidou! That's a cool name.  
**- Pein.**

Yesss! Ok Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi, your new temporary party name is Raidou!  
**- Deidara**

Fuck my life.  
**- Raidou.**

* * *

**Haha it wont stick, Kakuzu is right.**  
**Hope you enjoyed and wasn't too freaked out by Itachis plans to send puppy away.**  
**Poor Baka… lol**  
**161 reviews, I'm stoked.**  
**Thanks guys!**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep**  
**Buttface Earhole Earhole Pussy – Beep using the swearabet no jutsu!**  
**Take that phonetic alphabet!**


	30. July: Genmas Birthday Special

**Okay, due to getting more RSVPs than I thought, actually writing out pretty much every day for once and just pure luck – this chapter is waaaaaaaaaaay longer than most of the other ones.**  
**Thank you to everyone who sent in an RSVP! – Genma is very happy with all of his new presents and well wishes :D**  
**This honestly sucked so bad to write though haha**  
**No one seemed to want to RSVP from Iwagakure… So I assume you all have Deidaraphobia.  
**  
**Sutorippagakure seemed pretty popular though – which means you are all fucking perverts!**  
**I bet that secretly you are all considering changing your names to Jiraiya or Kakashi…**  
**But thank you everyone – 185 reviews thus far – I am truly flattered**

* * *

**July 1st**

Today we have packed our things and are getting ready for the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis birthday celebration. For reasons unknown to… all of us… we have decided to take a tour around the nation, stopping in every major village to 'party it out'.  
First stop is Sunagakure which will be nice.  
I have lifted restrictions upon my diary and will leave it out in the open for anyone who wants to write down their birthday wishes for our dear friend.

WOOOOOOOOO FUCKING PARTIES!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**July 2nd**

We have arrived at The Village Hidden in the Sand.  
Despite the hot weather in Suna, the Akatsuki are all in good moods and it seems that despite the mutual dislike between the Kazekage and us, a small festival is being held to celebrate the birthday.

And what an awesome festival, yeah! Girls everywhere!  
**- Deidara**

Happy Birthday Genma!  
**Dei-Dei Wolfgirl**

Thank you, haha.  
**- Senbon Chewing Shinobi**

LOL! Have you seen his bruises!? That girl won't stop poking him!  
**- Deidara**

Argh… That means more medical supplies will be wasted…  
**- Sasori**

Look out Blondie… The name 'Dei-Dei Wolfgirl' makes me think that either you really ARE a fucking chick… Or you have a fan girl to watch out for…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**July 3rd**

Not a whole lot of sleep last night. The festival/party/thing lasted well into the early hours of the morning and there were many attempts at my life.  
Not that there was ever a chance that said person *cough* Kazekage *cough* would have ever succeeded.

I do not know what you are talking about.  
**- Gaara**

Says the Sandman who comes in the night…  
**- Kakuzu**

I used to be told stories when I was little about the Sandman who eats kids that wont go to sleep… That's a scary revelation, yeah…  
**- Deidara**

I do not eat children.  
**- Gaara**

Bullshit! Every time you get near a kid they start fucking crying!  
Are you trying to tell me that you do not hide in the closets of little brats and eat them at night?  
**- Hidan**

…Is there any point in arguing?  
**- Gaara**

EYE NEW EET  
**- Kissamee  
**

* * *

**July 4th**

Interestingly, the girl from one of the previous days has relinquished her hold on the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi (now being treated for bruising by Sasori) and has latched onto Deidara.  
It amuses me to no end that the one time a woman willingly enters his 'personal space bubble' he is unable to do anything without suffering poke trauma.

I've been keeping my distance… It's like… her vision is based on movement.  
**- Sasori**

ITACHI! I NEED YOUR TSUKUYOMI!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**July 5th**

Happy Birthday, Genma  
**- Red-Hot-Habanero**

Thank you!  
**- Genma**

Oh thank god... A sane one.  
**- Sasori**

THERES THAT FUCKING GENMA CHARACTER AGAIN!  
**- Hidan**

Followed us all the way to Suna? Why is t**his making me hungry…  
- Zetsu**

* * *

**July 6th**

Today we left Suna using the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis Flying Thunder God technique that he taught us especially for the occasion.  
Iwagakure will be our next stop which really sucks.

What's wrong with Iwa?!  
**- Deidara**

There is nothing there… Its just rocks. There isn't even any trees.  
**- Itachi**

That's not true!  
**- Deidara**

Yes it is, Brat… out of all the countries I have ever been to (which is all of them) The Village Hidden in the Rocks has to be the most boring village I have ever visited..  
**- Sasori**

Well yeah… That's why I used to blow it up. There USED to be trees…  
**- Deidara**

Sheesh... Not a wonder the Tsuchikage hates you so fucking much.  
**- Hidan**

He doesn't hate me! We will be welcomed with open arms, just watch!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**July****7th**

After we were not welcomed into Iwagakure with open arms, I have come to the conclusion that the Tsuchikage and The Village Hidden in the Rocks in general, still has Deidaraphobia.  
There still isn't any trees, which means that despite failing to blow up the actual village, Deidara did a wonderful job destroying the ecosystem surrounding it.

Ha! And you guys thought I could never accomplish anything.  
**- Deidara**

U killd the trees!  
- **Kissamee**

Blowing up a village in an evil and villainous act is understandable and admirable… But blowing up the trees…? Deidara, I must say I am disappointed.  
**- Pein**

What? Have you all become tree hugging hippies now? What the hell are trees good for!?  
**- Deidara**

Making paper.  
**- Konan**

Making wooden puppets.  
**- Sasori**

Sacrificing  
**- Hidan**

Oxygen  
**- Zetsu**

Hiding your real body in.  
**-Pein**

Climbing!  
**- Toe bee**

Stashing things in.  
**- Kakuzu**

WHO THE FUCK SACRIFICES TREES!? WHAT THE FUCK HIDAN!?  
**- Deidara**

Brooding in…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July ****8th**

As we were not allowed into Iwagakure (which is an unfortunate waste of time) the Akatsuki have decided we shall just move right on to Kirigakur- wait, what?!

Yeeeeesssssssss Eye wil C mi hoem again!  
**- Kissamee!**

Pein-sama, I beg you to reconsider travelling to The Hidden Mist.  
**- Itachi**

I second that fucking notion.  
**-Hidan**

No. We are doing this for the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi. Not you.  
**- Pein**

Fuck…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July ****9th**

Upon arriving in Kirigakure we were greeted by the Seven Swordsman of the Hidden Mist.  
Kisame joyfully had a small reunion party so we left him behind – trusting him to find his own way back to his previous village.  
It frightens me to think we are now in mutant country…

Itachi, just because Kisame looks different, doesn't mean that everyone in Kirigakure is a mutant.  
**- Kakuzu**

Says Frankensteins Monster. Weren't you and Zetsu born in Kirigakure before your parents defected to their respectable countries?  
**- Sasori**

What did you call me…?  
**- Kakuzu**

Shut up all of you. You all look weird.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

DO NOT!  
**- Deidara**

You have mouths on your hands, if that doesn't scream mutant I don't know what does… You are like… A girly terrorist version of Wolverine.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi.**

Fuck you all, I'm awesome.  
**-Deidara**

* * *

**July 10th**

Today the Mizukage threw a small tea party and invited us along.  
Apparently due to Kisames influence, the Seven Swordsmen of the Hidden Mist threatened to go on rampage should the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi be treated without respect.  
So the tea party was… Awkward… Until it was crashed anyway.

Who the fuck jumps through a window and throws cake at people? I'm all for food fights and breaking shit but what the fuck?  
**- Hidan**

Be thankful said person missed you… All my clothes are covered in cake.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you, the Mizukage sends her apologies and some new clothes. Unfortunately because the Seven Swordsman actually DID go on rampage, all the clothing stores have been destroyed… So she sent you one of her spare dresses with the hopes it will fit well…  
**- Sasori**

Not wearing it.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

I figured you would say that, so I have given you Deidaras.  
**- Sasori**

What about the dress?  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Deidara has it.  
**- Sasori**

I could have just sewed everyone new clothes…  
**- Kakuzu**

Its more fun to watch Deidara in a dress.  
**- Sasori**

Fuck yes… He actually kinda looks like the Mizukage… But blonde…  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**July 11th**

Happy Birthday, Genma! :D  
**- iluvninjas**

Okay we are fucking leaving this place. That's the crazy one who throws cake. I don't want any cake throwing stalkers following us home.  
**-Hidan**

All in favour say 'Aye'.  
**- Konan**

Aye  
**- Sasori**

Aye  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Eye  
**- Kissamee**

SERIOUSLY KISAME!? WE SPELLED IT FOR YOU! 'AYE' NOT 'EYE', YOU STUPID FUCK!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**July 12th**

To my delight, our next destination is The Village Hidden in the Leaves.  
I'm not quite sure how the Hokage will take to us being there (considering that we are well known murderers in those parts) but I'm sure that having the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi back in the village should calm her nerves slightly.

For safety reasons, I am chaining the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi to myself. Being back in his old village may cause trouble.  
**- Pein**

Nonsense. All will be well. I am sure Naruto shall help us should anything go wrong.  
**- Itachi**

Somehow I doubt that he is going to risk his status as 'the future Hokage/Hero of the Leaf' to join the Akatsuki…  
**- Kakuzu**

Pessimist…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July 13th**

Fuck, someone has dropped a puppy on us that has a tag saying :

_Happy Birthday Genma,  
From Byakusharinnegan_

Get rid of the damn thing before Deidara finds it!  
**- Hidan**

Noted, I will see if Naruto wants it. Do we have any red spray paint left?  
**- Itachi**

No, only blue or green.  
**- Sasori**

Splendid, paint it blue and tell Naruto it is a rare mutation. Hopefully he comes up with a better name than Baka  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**July 14th**

Happy Birthday Genma! Come back and visit at some point after this?!  
- **Naruto**

It would be good to see you again…  
**- Hinata**

You really need to get out a bit more, Hinata. You are such a sweet and kind person, just ask him (hint hint) out already!  
**- Byakusharinnegan**

Hey! Leave Hinata alone dattebayo! Don't try to influence her life! She can date who she wants!  
**- Naruto**

Ummm… Naruto-kun…  
**- Hinata**

That's right Hinata, you do what you want! I'll make sure that no matter what happens, you and your new boyfriend can be guests and me and Sakuras wedding!  
**- Naruto**

No…  
**- Sakura**

No?  
**- Naruto**

No.  
**- Sakura**

I'm… going to go and lie down…  
**- Hinata**

* * *

**July 15th**

The Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi seems delighted to be back home.  
He has introduced us to some of his little friends, which is cute.  
Interestingly enough, one of them is called Raidou…

Happy birthday, Genma! We thought you died!  
**- Aoba**

BABY COME BACK TO ME!  
**- Raidou**

Okay, enough is e-fucking-nough. Who dropped a porno book on us as a 'present'?  
**- Hidan**

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE YOUTHFUL ACTIONS OF KAKASHI! YOUTH!  
**- YOUTH!**

What the fuck…?  
-** Hidan**

SHUT THE HELL UP, GAI!  
**- Anko**

What the fuck is wrong with Konoha shinobi?  
**- Hidan**

Do you really want to know?  
**- Ibiki**

Yes I fucking do.  
**- Hidan**

What if the knowledge will make your brain implode?  
**- Ibiki**

I'll deal with the fucking consequences when the time arrives.  
**- Hidan**

Arent you scared?  
**- Ibiki**

Pfft no. Wait- should I be?  
**- Hidan**

Perhaps…  
**- Ibiki…**

…Freaky fucker…  
**-Hidan**

* * *

**July 16th**

Unfortunately our celebrations have been cut short and we must leave Konoha. This comes as a disappointment to me because we WERE going to be staying an extra two days.  
Apparently, someone found it in their heart to stab the Senbon Chewing Shinobi with a senbon… fitting.

Hey, it was much more special than that! It had a flag that said 'Happy birthday" on the end of it.  
**- Deidara**

Its fucking mental is what it is. I kinda like it.  
**- Hidan**

Maybe we should cancel this tour… We made it to celebrate, not so the Senbon Chewing Shinobi would get attacked.  
**- Sasori**

I disagree Sasori. It was clearly a greeting, not an attack.  
**- Itachi**

Exactly! I also have cookies and senbons for the birthday boy!  
**xxYouBigFatBearxx-**

* * *

**July 17th**

I must admit, the Flying Thunder God technique is amazing.  
There we were in Konoha surrounded on all sides by shinobi angry that I had used Amaterasu on a few (hundred) houses, and then voila! Here we are in The Village Hidden in the Strippers!

HOME SWEET FUCKING HOME!  
**- Hidan**

Now the party begins!  
**-Deidara**

Ughhhhh… I cant even imagine how much this is going to cost…  
**- Kakuzu**

For Genma? On the house! Stay for a week or so, hmm?  
**- Evil Overlord Orochimaru**

Overlord, pfft. You just want to get in Itachis pants.  
**- Pein**

…Shut up.  
**- Orochimaru**

* * *

**July 18th**

To me is seems as though Sutorippagakure is populated by much more than when we were last here.  
Since our last visit, Orochimaru has set up permanent accommodation and practically has an actual village again.  
A partying half naked one at that.

Happy birthday oh forgotten man! Enjoy Stripper land for me!  
**maxridelover  
**  
Ohhh today is going to be fun…**  
- Deidara  
**  
If you get crabs again, Ill kill you.**  
- Kakuzu  
**  
Shut the fuck up Kakuzu!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**July 19th**

*Raises hand* I have a question.  
**Xero tne Pyr0  
**  
What?  
**- Itachi**

Why does Genma chew a senbon? Does it have magical powers? Oh and I applaud your slaughter of McDonalds!  
**Xero tne Pyr0**

Thank you.  
**Itachi**

So…**  
Xero tne Pyr0  
**  
I think I saw Sasuke, goodbye.**  
- Itachi**

Fucking Uchihas…**  
-Hidan**

I have a golden senbon for Genma!  
**enerongoku77**

WHHAAAAT!? GIMME GIMME GIMME!  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA….  
**enerongoku77**

Golden Senbon, woo!**  
- Golden-Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi  
**  
...That was… weird…  
**-Deidara**

* * *

**July 20th**

Today is our last day in Sutorippagakure. Mainly because Pein, Konan, Sasori, Kakuzu and I cannot stand the loud music and babies-in-the-making noises coming from the adjoining rooms.

Oppa Genma Style!  
I will dance in your honor! Happy birthday!  
**LuvLotsHana**

Yay! Dancing! I wish I could dance…  
**- Golden-Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

* * *

**July 21st**

With the month nearly over and with it, our birthday tour, we are heading to Kumogakure…  
If we can find it…  
In other news, Orochimaru was found dead last night (apparently)  
Though I highly doubt he will stay that way considering his snake like tendencies of weaseling his way out of bad situations.  
I must however make note of his interesting murder.  
Whoever had the imaginative mind to tie him to a strippers pole and suffocate him with cake was either severely twisted or clearly knows that the best way to die is with strippers and food.

Amen.  
**- Pein**

JASHIN!  
**- Hidan**

BUDDHA!  
**- Sasori**

CTHULU!  
**- Kissamee**

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU!  
**- Sasuke**

Still in the Village Hidden in the Strippers, eh Sasuke? I knew it…  
**- Itachi**

Fuck off, Itachi  
**- Sasuke**

* * *

**July 22nd**

Today our goal was to reach The Village Hidden in the Clouds.  
I, myself was skeptical, Kisame and I already trying and failing to reach that horrible place with no luck.  
But through use of the Golden-Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis jutsu, we managed to get there quite easily and quickly – much to my annoyance.  
The Raikage seems nice enough, though a bit intimidating.  
Hidan wet himself upon seeing him.

Did fucking not…  
**- Hidan**

Toe Bee thought he waz the only one hoo did that anymore!  
**- Toe Bee**

Hahahahaha fail Hidan!  
**- Deidara**

Fuck off, Blondie..  
**-Hidan**

* * *

**July 23rd**

There are quite a few people in Kumogakure. More than I expected anyway.  
A lovely place all up, I must say.

Happy birthday, Genma :D  
-** Kaori**

ANOTHER HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS MY NAME! THANK YOU!  
-** Genma**

I hate to be the bearer of bad news though…  
**- Kaori**

What?  
**- Genma**

It involves some of your friends back in Konoha…  
**-Kaori**

Oh god… Are they okay!?  
**- Genma**

Perfectly fine. But Izumo and Kotetsu have been using your apartment to entertain strippers.  
**- Kaori**

W-what…? Without me!? I gave them the emergency key to my apartment and told them they are only to use it if they run out of milk again!  
**- Genma**

Well… Yes, milk was involved…  
**- Kaori**

ARGH MY VIRGIN MIND HAS BEEN CORRUPTED!  
**- Genma**

When we get back home, I will take you back to Konoha so you can exact your revenge. Until then, let your hatred fester and boil inside you..  
- **Itachi**

Shut up, Uchiha. The last thing we need is another little emo avenger running around…  
**- Sasori**

Yeah, next you know he will dye his hair black, run away from us to hang out with a pedophile and start dressing in provocative ways…  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**July 24th**

Today will be our last day in Kumogakure before we head back home.  
Its been too exhausting travelling so much… I miss my bed.

I have a brand new set of senbon for the Birthday Nin!  
**- Lord of the Morning**

THANK GOD! This will make up for the ones that Kakuzu stole…  
**- Genma**

Shut up Golden-Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi. Hidans eyes needed a good stabbing and your senbon just so HAPPENED to be within arms reach.  
**- Kakuzu**

Yeah but you were still too cheap to buy me some more!  
**- Genma**

Like you needed anymore anyway…  
-** Kakuzu**

YES I DID! I don't want to suck on senbon that has Hidans eye jelly all over them!  
**- Genma**

Hey umm… Also… Being so close to the Akatsuki and all…  
**- Lord of the Morning**

Yes…?  
**- Genma**

You should _totally _get some pictures of Konan… You know… _Discreet _photos…  
**- Lord of the Morning**.

Start running…  
**- Konan**

Umm… Bye? Thank you for the senbons!  
**- Genma**

He is dead.  
- Konan

Oh…  
**Genma**

* * *

**July 25th**

Well we were supposed to leave today but it seems that a muscled man with no taste in music will not let us past unless we 'brofist' him.  
Personally I don't have much of a problem with this man other than his despicable rapping skills, however Hidan is refusing to go anywhere near the man (probably still wetting his pants) so we will probably be here for a while…

* * *

**July 26th**

Ironic that once the Hidden Cloud was too far away for us to get to… And now we cannot get back…

* * *

**Ugh that was exhausting to type out.**  
**I hope it lived up to your standards and that everyone is happy with their entries :D**  
**That seriously sucked to write so if you all don't review I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.**  
**I promise…**  
**But seriously haha, thank you everyone for sticking with me thus far and as always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**  
**(Is too exhausted to do a beep…)**  
**BEEEP**


	31. August: Autocorrect of Doom

**First of all, thank you to everyone who participated last chapter – it was wonderful to have everyone sending me personal messages and reviews to be in the chapter :D  
Also thanks to everyone who reviewed – I had more reviews last chapter than any one before it.  
I feel the need to say this as well…  
Hello Gustav!  
On with the story!**

* * *

**1st**** August**

A well deserved rest.  
We returned from the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis birthday tour about 4 days ago and have been in hibernation mode ever since.  
There are about 400 new senbon needles lying all over the place that he obtained on his birthday holiday – joy.  
No doubt I will end up stepping on one…  
In other news, due to the copious amount of partying during this 'birthday bash', my diary has been misplaced/lost/burned/drowned/killed in some way or another, as a result I have resorted to using the horrible computer and printing out my pages until I find a new diary. This will begin tomorrow – joy.

OMG gotta teach u the wayz of the internets and chtspk!  
**- Deidara**

I will not resort to your idiotic way of inadvertently letting people know you have an intelligence problem.  
**-Itachi**

… Huh?  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**2****nd**** August**

After a lair meeting, we have all decided that whatever birthdays we have for the rest of the year will be toned down, doing nothing more than giving presents and eating sugary foods that will no doubt rot our teeth, give us cavities until it hurts to chew which means we won't eat resulting in us starving to death.

Well that was morbid…  
**- Kisame**

Way to turn something as innocent as a birthday into a doom and gloom death party.  
**- Tobi**

* * *

**3rd August**

Today I went into the nearby village to meet with the 5thHokage. It was a lovely day.  
My energy still hasn't come back completely, the Genmas birthday tour really took it out of the entire DuckParade…  
Mainly myself of course, because I was the one who had to save Kakuzu from unleashing his sexual tension upon the unsuspecting people of various villages, making sure Sasori did not sacrifice anyone and assuring that Itachi did not eat anyone.  
A tiring job indeed…

Since when did you start fucking eating people?  
**- Kisame**

Sexual tension… I hope this is a joke…  
- **Deidara  
**  
Sacrifices? What…?  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**August 4****th**

Much to my amusement and/or annoyance, everyone in the base has began calling each other by random names.  
Well… they are writing each others name down in the diary so I am assuming they are doing it aloud as well.  
Must be something in the air.

Something in the air my fucking arse! Why are we showing up as random people in the fucking diary?  
**- Kisame**

I would say so. It probably has something to do with our stress and exhaustion levels after that tour.  
**- Hidan**

I hiiiiiiiiiiiiiighly doubt it, yeah… It definitely has something to do with chemicals. I bet that Kisame no danna has slipped something into our drinks to make us hallucinate or something…  
**- Pein**

Kissamee no dana? Eye'm flaterred Pain. Can u get mee a drinc pleez?  
**- Itachi**

Hahahahahahahaha this is actually really funny.  
-** Zetsu**

If you are referring to me, I did not drug any of us. I learned the hard way that drugging idiotic blonde terrorists achieves nothing.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**August 5****th**

So as it turns out, PeterFile actually is not dead.  
I'm not sure whether I pity this fact or not, for if he had of died last month, he would have gone out with strippers and cake – a truly noble way to die.  
But now we will never know…

Oh great. The pedophile is still alive? I swear the only reason he wanted to join this organization was so he could build up a client list of drug addicts, hookers and gangland overlords…  
**- Zetsu**

Yes, and judging by the success of Sutorippagakure, I would say he accomplished his mission.  
**- Tobi**

Ugh… Lollypop face and big words just don't mix… Its fucking weird.  
**- Kisame**

Neither does Kisame with good spelling, you know… Why IS this happening?  
- **Hidan**

Well, if I know computers (And I do, yeah?) then someone has been changing the autocorrect.  
**- Pein**

Wait… What do you mean?  
**- Deidara**

Someone has changed our names. When we type in our REAL names, it changes to someone elses, yeah? Damn you autocorrect!  
**- Pein**

Well… Fuck… Who would even DO that?  
**- Kisame**

We will never know…  
**- Genma**

* * *

**August 12th**

To be completely honest, I am tired of this computer.  
I typed out entries for the last few days and then immediately erased them, this autocorrect is infuriating…  
Its not too difficult to figure out who SOME people are…Like Kisame and Pein for instance.  
But everyone else… Blöh!

As future overlord of the Universe, I hereby decree that all faggots and douche bags such as Hidan and Kisame must cease to exist.  
We have no need for shark crossbreeds and priests!  
**- Pein**

That… actually made sense. How did you figure out everyones name when I could not?  
**- Konan**

A bit of guess work and fooling around, yeah? Impressed? :D  
**- Pein**

I am not impressed. If you continue this you will be banished from the Duck Parade. No more using my name for your own gain.  
**- The real leader of the Duck Parade, Tobi.**

Hahahahahaha Duck Parade? Who the fuck calls the Duck Parade the Akatsuki? Argh fucking dammit stop correcting!  
How the hell could HE rule the Duck Parade?  
FUCK! Not the Akatsuki!  
**- Kisame**

Wait… So when you write out the real name of our organization is auto corrects to the Duck thing… But when you write out 'Duck-Parade' it comes out as 'Aka-tsuki'? This hurts to think about…  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**August 13****th**

As I predicted, many of us have been impaled to some degree by the new senbons that Genma got for his birthday… Brilliant.  
I sent quite a few of them to The5thHokage in hopes that he may practice and one day fulfill his dream of returning TheEmoAsShitCrazyAssUchihaFa g to Konoha.  
Oh… That was just cruel… My foolish little brother does not deserve that name…  
Well…

Yes… Yes he does.  
**- Zetsu**

I suppose you are right… He always was foolish. But at least he doesn't have bad spelling and grammar.  
**- Konan**

Hey! Kisarmy and me r practissing ow spelleeng.  
**- Sasori**

Oh god this is just too funny to read. I bet I could sell this to ThePandaOfTheSanda in exchange for divine rule over Sunagakure.  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**August 14****th**

Today I found someone who promised to fix the autocorrect.  
Normally I wouldn't trust TheSexiestJashinistInTheWorl d but he seemed to know what he was doing.  
I hope he did anyway.

You are an idiot! Why would you let him 'fix' it PinkEye!?  
**- Pinocchio.**

Granted… It seemed like a good idea at the time.  
**- PinkEye**

At least my name isn't too bad.  
**- Blondie  
**  
Then let me fix it for you…  
**- TheSexiestJashinistInTheWorl d**

Don't you fucking dare.  
**- Barbie**

Hahahaha  
**-TheGreedyFuckingArsehole**

* * *

**August 15****th**

Today was TheGreedyFuckingArseholes birthday.  
As we all agreed, there was no celebration, which I must say is a relief.  
I quite enjoy the use of my teeth and wouldn't want to die of starvation when they fall out – courtesy of sugary birthday foods.

AGAIN! Making it sound like a crime to eat cake! Why, Itachi!? Deidara eats three slices of cake at once and his teeth are brilliant.  
**- TheOneWhoIsNotGod**

Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot say?  
**- Pinkeye**

I am God.  
**- TheOneWhoIsNotGod**

…Are you sure?  
**- Pinocchio**

Yes…  
**- TheOneWhoIsNotGod**

Don't worry, he will figure it out soon enough. Happy Birthday, Kakuzu.  
**- Blue**

Thanks… But how come you didn't get a bad name?  
**- TheGreedyFuckingArsehole**

Seriously!? Fucking PMS no jutsu, that's why.  
**- TheSexiestJashinistInTheWorl d**

It has its uses. Although I think "Blue" is somewhat unflattering for someone such as myself…  
**- Blue**

Yup, I was kinda thinking so as well… So I changed it haha…  
**- TheSexiestJashinistInTheWorl d**

Really? Why, thank you. What a surprise.  
Oh and you might want to keep away from TheOneWhoIsNotGod… He just figured out what his name was.  
**- TheMostGorgeousWomanInTheWor ld**

* * *

**August 21****st**

'Taaaaaaaaaaachi? Did you send me another fox, dattebayo?  
**- RamenOverlord**

Yes  
**- Pinkeye**

Kay.  
**- RamenOverlord**

…Do you like it?  
**- Pinkeye**

Its blue.  
**-RamenOverlord**

Is… Blue bad?  
**- Pinkeye**

Not as good as red and orange.  
-** RamenOverlord**

But it is special because it is blue.  
**- Pinkeye**

Yeah… I guess it is! It may not be my favorite color but I bet no one else has a blue fox!  
**- RamenOverlord**

What did you call it, hmm?  
**- Barbie**

Well Sai wanted to call it Penis, but I said no, so he suggested Phallus. It kind of sounds Greek or something and was kinda cool. So now Phallus and Baka are playing together!  
-** RamenOverlord**

Ohhhhhhhh my god…. Why is he so stupid!? AND YOU WONDER WHY I LEFT YOU!  
**- EmoAsShitLittleFuckerWhoLike sPlayingWithPedophiles**

Wat z hel?  
**- Fishfuck**

Go home foolish little brother. You are drunk.  
**- Pinkeye**

That sounded like a romance in tatters…  
- **Pinocchio.**

* * *

**August 25****th**

For reasons unknown to all of us, Genma has disappeared and it is unclear if he will ever return. The only evidence of his existence being a noted he left behind:

_Dear Duck Parade,_

_I am returning to Konoha to see my friend Raidou whose birthday is on the 2_8_th__._

_Don't worry, I'll be back soon!_

Love from Genma

Oh yes… I wonder where he went… and why!? What a mystery!  
**- Pinocchio**

Shut up you foolish little puppet. I'm sure a reunion with Gepetto would quiet you down.  
**- Pinkeye**

Fuck you, I made myself.  
**- Pinocchio**

Fuck myself, I made you!  
**- Pinkeye**

Wait that wasn't right…  
**- Pinkeye**

* * *

**Yeah weird way to end it…  
I kinda ran out of ideas :S  
Also, cookies and maybe a oneshot to the person who can figure out the most names that were replaced!**


	32. September: Duckies

**September is here! Hooray.**  
**Congrats to Shounengirl13 for absolutely cracking me up with your review.**  
**Two people got all the names right from last chapter, they were Feukat and Guest…**  
**Haha well… I don't know who 'Guest' is but if either of you wish for a oneshot give me a PM.**

**Also, fun fact here…**  
**According to Egyptian mythology, one of the gods, Horus, tricked another god Seth, into eating his semen by putting it on the lettuce he was eating so that he would be humiliated…**  
**Gee – and people think todays youth is damaged… Blame the Egyptians, something is going on there…  
**  
**(No offence to any Egyptians – personally I find it funny (even if it is really gross (hey look bracketception!)))**

* * *

**September 1st**

To my delight/relief/satisfaction, a young woman from the Hidden Leaf village has sent me in the mail, the diary that I had 'lost'.  
I write 'lost' as such because apparently Ms Hyuuga found it in the apartment of a certain boy that I have 'mindfucked' on occasion.  
I shall have to bribe Naruto into giving him a good smack.  
Thankfully, he obviously didn't get around to drawing penises on the cover/pages.  
But he would have…

* * *

**September 2nd**

Today was fairly uneventful, considering.  
Hidan has been banned from going to the supermarket in the next village over which means that the only shop he can currently visit without a police escort is the prison.  
Which… will still have police nin.  
I don't understand why he found the experience of mass supermarket slaughter necessary.  
Something about not having the right shampoo…  
Ridiculous.

* * *

**September 3rd**

Today the duckies and I went on an excursion to what has been dubbed "Hell"  
Why Sir Leader decided to take us there is still unknown and when we return to headquarters, I expect a full explanation and apology letter.  
Horrible, foolish man.

Duckies…?  
**- Kakuzu**

He is referring to last months autocorrect mishap, in which the word 'Akatsuki' was changed to 'Duck Parade'.  
**- Sasori**

How could you not know that, yeah!?  
**- Deidara**

I don't pay attention to what that idiot does in his spare time, and lighten up Itachi; going to the hair dresser wasn't THAT bad.  
**- Kakuzu**

How dare you… Foolish Duckie! You do not have hair as glorious as mine!  
**- Itachi**

Who gives a shit? Honestly.  
**- Kakuzu**

It lacks hatred.  
**- Itachi**

What lacks hatred?  
**- Kakuzu**

Your hair. It lacks hatred.  
**- Itachi**

Alright, I'm sick of your 'lacks hatred bullshit'. Wait til I see you next Uchiha, then we will see who lacks hatred.  
**-Kakuzu**

I am impervious to your threats, you hatred lacking demon!  
**- Itachi**

Shut up, you two.  
**- Pein**

* * *

**September 4th**

Due to my persistence, tomorrow we shall be going somewhere that I want to go.  
No more being dragged around to hair dressers, no. This is the beginning of a new era!

Don't be selfish, we are doing this one day at a time. Tomorrow we go where you want to go, then the next day where Deidara wants then Sasori and so forth etcetera.  
**- Pein**

Nonsense, the duckies shall follow me where ever I go.  
**- Itachi**

Might as well just give up your title as the 'Head' of the Akatsuki (duckies) Pein. I hear Uchiha has his heart set on the position.  
**- Kakuzu**

Quiet, Kakuzu! Tomorrow we are going somewhere that I will enjoy… and you most certainly will not.  
**- Itachi**

In that case, we will go where Deidara wants tomorrow. If you are saving up something painful, it shall be carried out once everyone else has had their fun.  
**- Pein**

AVBWD$$%^%UQUHJE $% RVN314%$#%87TERHFQ^&*(#3URGH34!  
**- Itachi**

Ah hahahahahaha!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**September 5th**

Unfortunately, today I was dragged along to the war museum, here, Deidara proceeded to reenact all of Iwas 'finest' military moments… before detonating his clay under the archival evidence and documentation of said events.  
I could deal with my eyes bleeding, but not my ears as well.  
Foolish terrorist!

Shut up, Itachi. We had to deal with it as well.  
**- Konan**

Quiet, duckie! It is my suffering and my suffering ONLY that is relevant in this situation.  
**- Itachi**

Well that's fucking selfish. How did you come to that conclusion?  
**- Hidan**

Because I am venting and it is my diary, you fool! I can say what I want!  
**- Itachi**

Oh… Point taken.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**September 6th**

Today the Duck Parade was taken to an art gallery – courtesy of Sasori.  
I wouldn't have minded this so much had we have not stayed there so long!  
Foolish puppet!

Enough with the Duck Parade!  
**- Pein**

You know... not all of us can memorise minute details with our sharingans. We actually NEED time to look at something.  
**- Sasori**

Another flaw of yours I am adding to the list.  
**- Itachi**

…My flaws… You have a list?  
**- Sasori**

A very long one.  
**- Itachi**

Fuck you, Uchiha.  
**- Sasori**

Tsk tsk. Bad language. I believe it is flaw number 304# on my list.  
**-Itachi**

* * *

**September 7th**

I'm not sure if Pein letting us drag the Akatsuki wherever we want for a day is supposed to be a new kind of 'therapy' or whether he just enjoys seeing us suffer, but come on…  
The bank…

I thought you could all use a bit of education on the monetary system.  
**- Kakuzu**

I'm with Itachi on this one. As much education that we may need, today was ridiculous. The idea of this is for people to enjoy it.  
**- Pein**

I enjoyed it.  
**- Kakuzu**

He said 'people' not fucking zombies.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**September 8th**

The Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi returned today – drunk.  
He looked as though he had had a good time, although he kept muttering under his breath about strippers and 'money thieves'  
I can only assume that he is referring to Kakuzu.

Whatever idea you have about me, I don't steal money… I collect bounties but I never steal. I'm not a money thief.  
**- Kakuzu**

I know you aren't, Kakuzu.  
**- Itachi**

Good.  
**- Kakuzu**

Wait for it…  
**- Sasori**

Wait a minute…  
**- Kakuzu**

Waaaaaaait for it….  
**- Deidara**

I'M NOT A FUCKING STRIPPER!  
**-Kakuzu**

… What am I waiting for?  
**-Itachi**

* * *

**September 9th**

Konan dragged the duckies to one of her 'health and beauty' spas today.  
Despite having slices of vegetables placed over my eyes and listening to the silver haired duckies cursing, I quite enjoyed the day.

Finally, someone who agrees! You should come with me next time I go, Itachi! It's so boring going by yourself.  
**- Konan**

No.  
**- Itachi**

What? Why not?  
**- Konan**

Because the only thing that stopped me from strangling you on arrival was the fact that:  
a) I was fed chocolate strawberries  
b) Pein wears contacts.  
c) Apparently, Sasuke is a regular.

What has Sir Prick wearing contacts got to do with you not strangling Konan?  
**- Hidan**

He is impervious to my genjutsu. I was going to make it look like it was you that killed her.  
**- Itachi**

Holy shit… Sasuke was right, you really are the devil…  
**- Hidan**

Itachi, you are not attending tomorrows outing. Konan is crying and you have no idea how hard it is to get her to stop without letting someone die.  
**- Pein**

YEESSSSSSSSS!  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**September 10th**

Today was lovely.  
I played cards with the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi, put senbons in Kisames bed and switched Sasoris wood polish with corrosive acid.  
Thank god I didn't go with the others.  
Apparently, Hidan took everyone to the dentist to watch people getting their teeth pulled.  
Sadistic little prick.

You missed it! I yelled 'fire' during one of the procedures and the fucking dentist accidentally pulled out a guys tongue in fright!  
**- Hidan**

Splendid.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**September 11th**

Tobi and Kisame both decided they wanted to go to the same place today – the aquarium.  
I didn't mind it as much as I thought I would.  
Kakuzu decided to be funny and made Hidan go swimming.  
Never thought I would enjoy watching someone in the water so much.

He didn't go 'swimming' idiot. They had an argument and Kakuzu pushed him into the shark tank.  
**- Konan**

Ah. That would explain why it was so amusing.  
**- Itachi**

Eye wont 2 go agen! Toby showd me how 2 catch the krabs withowt getin biten.  
**- Kissamee**

I'm sick of your terrible spelling. I hereby declare it illegal for you to write in my diary!  
**- Itachi**

Tru dat.  
**- Deidara**

AND YOU!  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**September 12th**

Zetsu took us to the botanical gardens today.  
What a lovely and peaceful place. So beautiful.

You're just saying that because you had a hand to play in its 'redecoration'  
**- Sasori**

What happened? I stay home one day and you 'redecorated' the oldest botanical garden in the country!?  
**- Pein**

Zetsu wasn't too pleased either.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**September 13th**

Todays trip to the toy shop taught me a very important life lesson.  
I will never forget.

What life lesson? I'm confused.  
**- Pein**

I'm not telling. This way I hold something over your head. I am one step closer to becoming Duckie God.  
**- Itachi**

Yeah whatever.  
**- Pein**

Holy shit, did you break him? Why is Itachi acting so stupid?! I want to kill him because I'm angry at him not because I pity his existence and the embarrassment he is causing himself. Fix this!  
**- Sasuke**

Excuse me, who are you to tell me what to do?  
**- Pein**

Sasuke Uchiha  
**- Sasuke Uchiha**

…I still don't see the relevance.  
**- Pein**

* * *

**September 15th**

Tomorrow we will be going where I want to go.  
Not the other duckies – me.  
And it shall be so much fun.

Since when do you find things fun?  
**- Deidara**

I will find them fun tomorrow…  
**- Itachi**

I'm so not going to sleep tonight  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**September 16th**

Today was lovely.  
I'm sure that upon arriving at the science lab, my fellow duckies were excited as to what experiments were taking place.  
I didn't find it relevant to tell them that they were the main attraction.  
The scientists had a lovely time, however. Its not every day they get to experiment on a:

Black, white, Asian man growing a tree out of his head  
A woman made of paper  
A mutant with three mouths  
A middle age mutant Ninja Shark  
A man held together with shoestrings or something  
The real life version of Pinnochio  
Hidan in general (that is besides his immortalness)  
And a man who somehow survives with a mask glued to his face.

Pein is not very pleased with me at the moment – Although I'm sure science will make leaps and bounds after my little contribution.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GO IN THERE AS WELL INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME DUCKIELESS!?  
**-Pein**

First of all, I'm glad to see you are succumbing to my ways and calling them duckies, secondly… I am the only normal human being.  
**- Itachi**

Ahem.  
**- Senbon Chewing Shinobi**

My mistake, the only normal human being that matters.  
**- Itachi**

Ouch…  
**- Senbon Chewing Shinobi**

* * *

**September 19th**

To my disappointment, Pein managed to bring back the other duckies today.  
I have a slight hunch that I am going to be avoided for a while.  
Oh well, I never liked them anyway.

Avoide ewe?  
**- Kissamee**

Now why would we do that…?  
**- Deidara**

I think I want to spend LOTS of QUALITY time with you, Itachi…  
**- Sasori**

Really? This isn't at all the reaction I expected.  
**- Itachi**

They are joking, we are gonna fucking tear your eyes out you fucking dick!  
**-Hidan**

Well if you could first obtain Sasukes, I would be appreciative. It would be convenient and beneficial to my health to have his eyes before you take mine.  
**- Itachi**

I know this is a little against protocol… But can I get in on this?  
**-Sasuke**

Why the fuck would you want in on killing Itachi?  
**-Hidan**

…  
**-Itachi**

…  
…Is he new to this?  
**- Sasuke**

No. He's just an idiot.  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**September 22nd**

After many futile attempts at my life (which I am getting very tired of) I am considering giving up my missing nin status and returning to Konoha.

We will kill you long before you leave this fucking base, Pinkeye.  
**-Hidan**

HA! As if they would let you back into Konoha. Frigging idiot…  
**- Sasori**

Oh but they will. You see, I have information they desire.  
**- Itachi**

For curiosities sake, WHAT information?  
**- Pein**

Information on the Akatsuki of course.  
**- Itachi**

Anyone who touches the Uchiha answers to me.  
**- Pein**

And so, I shall be staying with the duckies a little longer…  
**- Itachi**

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUCK!  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**So there you have it.**  
**I'd just like to say thank you again to everyone who has thus far reviewed.**  
**Its funny to think that this story was actually removed when I first started writing it XD**  
**Nevertheless, please leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!**  
**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE(You have to now cause I said please)EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!**


	33. October: Are We Friends Yet?

**First off – Happy Birthday to Sai, Lee and Izumo! We love you all… Except for Lee because he scares me.  
Secondly:**

**Dear Wrath76,**  
**I am not crazy, just creatively insane.**

**Also, I apologise for portraying the Akatsuki as 'duckies'. It was inappropriate and uncalled for…**  
**Despite the incredibly awesome mental images that it induces… I must have someone draw a picture of Itachi leading a trail of fuzzy yellow ducklings XD**  
**I am also kind of worried that someone called Trojan Virus is reading my stories :P**  
**Lol**  
**As always, Enjoy!**

* * *

**October 1****st**

Today was Juugos birthday but I didn't really care. Suigetsu thought it was kind of rude that we weren't celebrating it in some shape or form but it was obvious that he could really give a shit either. Karin is being… Karin…  
Enough said.

* * *

**October 2****nd**

I'm not sure what it is, something about my diary feels… different… Whether this is because Karin has rigged it somehow to get my DNA to make 'wittle baby Karin-Sasuke babies' is up for debate…  
Either that or Suigetsu drooled on it in his sleep again.  
I have got to stop letting him guard our stuff of the night time.

* * *

**October 3****rd**

Still haven't figured out what feels weird about the diary…  
Karin swears she didn't even know I had one which completely ruins what is left of my privacy if she is telling the truth.  
Urgh… I almost miss Naruto.

YOU MISS ME!? COME BACK TO KONOHA! SASUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKE EEEEE!  
**- Naruto**

* * *

**October 4****th**

Suigetsu promised that he didn't write in my diary as 'Naruto'. I don't think Juugo would do something stupid like that and Karin wouldn't even dare take the risk of me possibly leaving her and returning to Konoha… I sincerely hope my diary isn't turning out like Itachis where everyone just randomly writes in it from a million miles away… That would suck.

Wowwww holy shit, YOU are the one that stole it? Give your brother his fucking diary back! He wont shut up about it!  
**- Hidan, Lord of the Sexy**

Ahhh so this is why my diary felt different.  
**- Sasuke**

How did you not fucking notice? It has 'Itachis Diary, Keep Out' scrawled across the front of it… Fucking Uchihas and their blindness.  
**- Hidan**

No need to get personal Mr Vampire. I'll mail it to your post office. Make sure he is the one that opens it and him ONLY. I wouldnt want anyone else to die when a puff of acid smoke blows up in their face upon opening said diary.  
**- Sasuke, the one who is not blind.**

Dear the one who is blind.  
Would you give up on the fucking murder plots? Pinkeye is more immortal than I am, we are ALL pissed off at him after he sent us to be experimented on and even WE can't kill him… yet.  
**- Hidan**

He sent you to be experimented on?  
**- Sasuke**

Yeah, fucking arsehole.  
**- Hidan**

Is it immoral to laugh at this?  
**- Sasuke**

* * *

**October 5****th**

WHERE IS THE FUCKING DIARY!? Pinkeye thinks I took it and is going batshit crazy.  
**- Hidan**

Hn.  
**- Sasuke**

Oh excuse me, Mr Articulate. Just because you have some fancy eye disease that gives you superior arson skills doesn't mean you can be fucking rude!  
**- Hidan**

Shut up and leave me alone. I'm posting it today.  
**- Sasuke**

Fucking Uchihas.  
**- Hidan**

* * *

**October 7****th**

To my annoyance, I have had to scour the base and dig up all of Hidans separated body parts to apologise for accusing him of stealing my diary.  
Thankfully, the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi found it in his heart to help me out.

Itachi, I am sorry but you have crossed the line. Too many times have you maimed the other duckies.  
I am punishing you and you WILL do what I say or there will be consequences.  
**- Pein**

About fucking time…  
**- Hidan**

What is my punishment?  
**- Itachi**

Do you remember McDonalds…?  
-** Pein**

No… You wouldn't…  
**- Itachi**

I have set you up to work at another outlet. You will NOT kill anyone, you will NOT hurt anyone and you will follow orders given by the manager. If you fail to abide by these rules, I promise you will regret it.  
**- Pein**

How will I 'regret it'?  
**- Itachi**

I'll kill Sasuke.  
**- Pein**

WHAT!?  
**- A very worried Sasuke**

…I have mixed feelings about this…  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**October 8****th**

Today I resumed working at the despicable greasy food place. As per orders, I did not kill or maim…  
I did however, take great pleasure in poisoning the foods of people who irritated me.  
Which was everyone.  
Safe to say, I have ruined the reputation of 'Diabetes-R-us'

Itachi…  
**-Pein**

Poisoning doesn't count as maiming.  
**- Itachi**

Did anyone die?  
**- Pein**

No… The poison just renders them paraplegic… or comatose depending on which poison you look at.  
**- Itachi**

WHY DO YOU DO THIS!? DO YOU ENJOY KILLING PEOPLE!?  
**- Pein**

Of course I don't. But this way there will be less customers for me to put up with.  
**- Itachi  
**  
…I'm killing Sasuke.  
- **Pein  
**  
NO DON'T!  
**- Itachi**

Wait… You… Don't want me to die?  
**- Sasuke**

I am equally confused.  
**- Pein**

Sasuke and I are the only remaining Uchiha. If he dies then the task of reviving the clan falls to me…  
I have tried to complete this task once before but failed to find a suitable companion.  
In all honesty I can't be bothered.  
**- Itachi**

Fuck you, Itachi  
**- Sasuke**

* * *

**October 9****th**

Today I told my manager that my pet cat had eaten my pet fish then got hit by a truck driven by Hidan whose head fell off in the accident. The usual family drama.  
I then used my time off to journey to Konoha in hopes of visiting Naruto for his birthday.  
The excuse worked like a charm and I am sure that using it again tomorrow will produce the same results.

I don't think using that twice will work, yeah…  
**- Deidara**

Of course it will.  
**- Itachi**

…I have a feeling that you have a way to MAKE it work… So I am not going to ask.  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**October 10****th**

Unfortunately, I was unable to visit Naruto today due to his being constantly surrounded by 'friends'.  
It's an interesting concept, to have a friend…  
I have decided that I am going to find one.  
Hopefully Naruto will enjoy the copious amount of cup ramen that I arranged in a pyramid outside his apartment.

* * *

**October 12****th**

Today I borrowed a man from the Hidden Leaf Village by the name of 'Shino'  
He is to be my new friend.  
Of course, as I have learned from Naruto, all friends deserve nicknames and Lord of the Flies seemed appropriate for this boy.  
I am confident that with a bit of luck, duct tape and encouragement in the form of mild torture, our friendship will flourish into something lovely.

* * *

**October 13****th**

My new friend escaped this morning – much to my distress.  
He left a note promising to come back though so all I have to do is wait.  
I received a letter from Pein informing me that Hidan has gone missing – not that I really care.  
Its not like Hidan is going to wander lost in the forest until he dies.

* * *

**October 15****th**

My friend still hasn't returned – oh well.  
Perhaps I will use this chance to become better friends with the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi.  
A gift should start off our friendship nicely and as I recall that he enjoys animals – I shall get him a pet.  
Hidan is still missing which is interesting.

* * *

**October 17****th**

I have wrapped up a present and put it inside the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobis cage. I am sure he will like it. Deidara hates kittens so at least he should have no competition in gaining its interest.  
Orochimaru keeps popping up at random intervals and taking things from Hidans room.  
Obviously he has kidnapped said idiot to try and obtain immortality.

That… is actually a very valid possibility… I am going to Sutorippagakure, Kisame is in charge whilst I am searching for Hidan.  
**- Pein**

…What?  
**- Sasori**

Fuk yes! Bow down bichez!  
**- Kissamee**

Oh hell no…  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**October 18****th**

WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY IS THERE A DEAD CAT IN A BOX ON MY BED!?  
**-Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

It was alive when I wrapped it up a few days ago.  
**- Itachi**

A FEW DAYS AGO!?  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Yes, it made quite a racket on the way back from the pet store. So I wrapped it up and bought it back to the base. If you had of opened it yesterday then maybe it would still be alive – foolish ducky.  
**- Itachi  
**  
Oh my god I feel sick…  
- **Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

Are we friends yet?  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**October 20th**

As I had expected, Orochimaru WAS trying to steal Hidans immortality. A few words from Pein assured that Hidan is now back among us which is quite disappointing.  
If Sir Leader had of thought about it, Orochimaru could have kept Hidan and the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi could have been promoted.  
Speaking of which, he has been avoiding me the last few days…

* * *

**October 22****nd**

Perhaps for Orochimarus birthday we could send the man a piece of Hidan to study… Like his arm for example  
**  
**

* * *

**October 23****rd**

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Itachi!  
Thank you soooooooo much for the ramen! I have already eaten it all!  
Baka and Phallus knocked over your pyramid when I first found it doesn't matter, they just reminded me how much you have given me – two foxes, LOTS of ramen, kunai, toys… You are my best friend!  
**- Naruto**

What happened to me?  
**- Sasuke**

You're my second best friend. Itachi! Come back to Konoha!  
**- Naruto**

I don't know why that hurt…  
**- Sasuke**

Foolish Little Brother… You should be nicer… Thank you, Naruto…  
**- Itachi**

Fuck off, Duckie!  
**- Sasuke**

* * *

**October 25****th**

Unfortunately, Pein has decided that we are to celebrate Halloween.  
I have decided to dress as a Konoha shinobi and visit the Village Hidden in the Leaf until the Hokage realizes and I am chased out by an angry mob.  
Oh the memories come flooding back.

* * *

**There you all are! Chapter dedicated to _Naruto Obito Halliwell Uzumaki_ for hurrying me up writing this chapter.  
Also, I have read over some of my stories and am slightly horrified at the amount of things I make fun of.  
For the record, I have nothing against most of the below list of 'bagged' out things I have written about:**

**Cross dressers,****  
****Frogs,****  
****Diaries,****  
****Senbons,****  
****Tobi (most of the time)****  
****Orochimaru (some of the time)****  
****Sasuke (Not as much of the time)****  
****Rhinoceroses',  
****Mobs,  
Kidnapping,  
****Gay/lesbians,  
Customers,****  
****Any and all holidays,****  
****Postmen,  
Egyptians,  
Pets,  
Procreation,  
Homicide,  
Genocide,  
Suicide,  
Manslaughter,****  
****Christmas carolers,  
****Paraplegics (honestly that isnt funny and I shouldnt joke about it)  
Comas  
****Trick or treaters,****  
****Aquariums,****  
****The Village Hidden in the Clouds (Despite how far away it may be)****  
****Kisame and Deidara (despite how much I torture them)****  
****Konan (Despite her never making appearances' in my stories (it will change (omg bracketception)))****  
****Ramen,****  
****Foxes,****  
****Dangos,****  
****Siblings, (Actually I take that back, my sister is annoying as hell… FOOLISH LITTLE SISTER!)****  
****Bad spellers,****  
****Hi fives,****  
****Religion****  
****Art (in all its forms)****  
****Pein, Jashin, God, etc****  
****Duct tape,****  
****Lollypops, alcohol and money, (Although usually I don't have any of these –sad face-)****  
****Letters,****  
****Pen pals,****  
****Birthdays****  
****Teenage mutant ninja turtles and/or sharks.****  
****Murder plots, (or not…)****  
****Fish,****  
****Puppets,****  
****Profanities.****  
****Heart attacks,****  
****Bounty hunters,  
Puppies,  
Kittens,  
Diabetes/any form of illness  
Naruto in general,  
My readers (even the ones who have sent me death threats)  
Duckies,  
Hypnotism,  
Kissing,  
Friends,  
McDonalds (and any other fast food outlet)  
Konoha Shinobi,  
Sunagakure Shinobi  
The Seven Swordsmen of the Hidden Mist  
Bad cooks  
Sharingan related jokes  
Nicki Minaj (Lol jk I hate her music)  
Justin Timberlake  
Little Kuriboh (very funny man)  
Star Wars,  
Porn (uhhh… I think?)  
Games,  
And last but not least – the weird arse presents and birthday wishes you all gave Genma XD**

**Kudos to those who actually got through the list bahaha**  
**And thank you to those who review.**  
**It kind of doesn't feel worth the effort when you go to so much trouble to write and no one reviews haha**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!**  
**Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!**


	34. Halloween? Yes, no, maybe?

**Okay so someone asked me a while ago if I could do a Halloween interactive chapter like I did with Genmas birthday.  
I'm not completely opposed to the idea so I figured I would let you guys decide.  
Same rules as last time apply but this time with tweaks:**

1) What you want to say/do  
2) What costume you will be wearing + description.  
3) What country. (Konoha, Suna, Kiri, Iwa, Sutorippa, Kumo, Kuso, Yu, Ame etc etc)

**Because Halloween only takes up one day as opposed to the month long Genma Birthday Special, I'll ask you to let me know which country you would want to meet everyone and whichever is the most popular will win.**  
**I'm only going to do this if there are minimum 6 people because otherwise there isnt really a point lol.**

**So sorry all who thought this was a chapter and got a shitty authors note haha.**

**If I do this, I would probably be more inclined to write it in story format instead of diary format - because it is only one day.**

**I wont be doing interactives again for a loooooooooooooong time after this so if you want to participate, get it out of your system now.**  
**I'll begin writing the chapter in a week so hurry up and send those RSVPs!**

**Let me know in a review or PM :)**

**Happy Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/St Patricks Day/Whatever other holidays there are.**

P.S  
Please note that I will be trying to make the Akatsuki/misc shinobi as in character as possible - so you may get insulted XD

* * *

**- Trigger**

EDIT:

RSVPs are now closed. There are too many of you dammit! 


	35. Halloween Special - (I hate you all)

**Okay so here is the Halloween special (even though it is not exactly Halloween…)  
Not gonna lie, as I was reading the RSVPs I began to pout.  
Because I didnt realize how many people actually wanted to participate and hence my reaction was,**

**"Well… fuck. How the hell do I fit everyone in!?"**

**So expect this to be a ridiculously long chapter haha.**  
**It was pointed out to me that I probably should have said the maximum number of people I would allow opposed to the minimum to get the story going (31 people RSVP'd…)**  
**I didnt manage to fit everyone in but for those who missed out, I will give you first priority in the Christmas special. So hopefully it has all worked out.**  
**(I am VERY sorry but when I hit the 6000 word mark I lost all hope of fitting everyone in)**

**Again, to remind you, this is done in story mode as opposed to the usual diary format. Kind of like chapter 19.**

**Also, the introduction is a little bit long but I didn't know how else to do it so… Oh well.**  
**Some people wanted me to do really big things like having themselves stalk the Akatsuki for the entire chapter (which would deserve its own story due to the length) so instead of doing this, all you creepy stalkers will just make a few random appearances at random intervals :P**  
**Otherwise this story will go on forever D:**

**My sympathies to those of you who die in this story…**  
**But come on, if you play with fire, you're gonna get burned XD**

**Thanks to everyone who participated and I hope you all enjoy the Halloween Special!**

* * *

Itachi glared at the leader of the Akatsuki with his arms crossed.  
The group was currently sitting around a large stone table that meetings were held at as Pein outlined the details of the next day.  
Despite enjoying the concept of it, Itachi realized that after joining the Akatsuki, Halloween became a day that he was coming to despise.  
A shame really since he had such fond memories of it as a child.  
No one saw the dreamy look that overcame the Uchihas face as the mental image of Sasuke running away from a genjutsu dragon flittered through his mind.  
Pity that trick didn't work on most S-rank criminals.  
They were currently discussing the temporary peace treaties that Pein sent out every year which detailed where they could go and where they could not.  
Not that Itachi saw the reason to discuss it…  
Nothing had changed since last year.

"So we still aren't allowed into Iwa, but if Deidara goes renegade kamikaze mode on us again, the Tsuchikage has agreed to give us shelter in the Land of Earth so long as his jounin are allowed to kill said idiot… So either way it's a win-win situation."

"HOW IS THAT A WIN-WIN, YEAH? AAACK-!"

"Thank you, Sasori."

"My pleasure."

"As I was saying…"

Itachi decided at this time to zone out – not really giving a shit about what Pein had to say.  
It was nothing that his own superior mindset couldn't come up with, anyway.  
Watching Deidara nurse his possibly broken fingers was much more entertaining.  
Itachi sighed through his nose and rested his cheek in his hand.  
Sometimes, rules such as 'Uchihas don't sigh' had to be ignored in extreme situations such as these.  
Beside him, Konan leaned over with the stealth of a note passing 6th grader and whispered,

"What's up? You seem tired and bored."

Itachi glared, "I _am_tired and bored."

"Why?"

The Uchiha sighed again.  
Foolish woman, wasn't it obvious why?  
Pein was ranting again about something that either had nothing to do with them or was of no importance.  
As he did every year.  
Konan quirked an eyebrow at him, a gesture that Itachi found to be very rude and annoying for reasons he himself could not explain.  
Growling under his breath as he realized Pein was coming up to the 'no one is to die' part of his speech, Itachi glanced at Konan and whispered, "I know we have had a bad year murderwise, but don't take it out on trick or treaters.."

The blue haired woman looked mildly confused until behind her, Pein spoke in a deep authoritive voice,  
"I know we have a bad year murderwise… But don't take it out on the trick or treaters."

Konan glanced back to Itachi with a frown as the raven continued, "No matter how hideous and disgusting, they are people too."

Oblivious to Itachis mocking, Pein continued, "No matter how hideous and disgusting, they are people too."

Sighing, Konan rolled her eyes and slumped back into her seat.  
Okay, so Itachi had a point.  
She would be lying if she said that she wasn't bored stiff as well.  
And it seemed like she wasn't the only one.  
The entire Akatsuki, bar Sasori and Kakuzu, were either asleep, flicking pieces of paper at each other or secretly molding perfect clay busts of Pein with gritted teeth.  
Yes… That was worrying.  
Interrupting said leader in hopes of sparing them all of death by explosion, Konan called,

"Yes, Pein. We understand all of the ins and outs of how to not kill trick or treaters, can we move onto the part where we pick our costumes?"

The Akatsuki stirred and whispered in appreciation of the topic change and growing interest.  
Last year had been a bit of an abysmal affair, no one having the time to dress up or plan a party after the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi went missing.  
Although to be fair, they DID end up in the Village Hidden in the Strippers…  
The year before that wasn't much better and Pein had since come to the conclusion that writing their opinions down and drawing them out of a hat probably wasn't the best way to decide things.  
Itachi still had not yet lived down the humiliation of dressing up as Maito Gai and Pein had a feeling that if the Uchiha wasn't allowed to have some kind of say as to what he could dress up as, they might have another clan/organization slaughter on their hands.  
Clearing his throat in a way that suggested he was annoyed at the interruption, Pein began,

"Okay… Costumes. Because I have been… convinced by one of our younger members *cough* Uchiha *cough* not to draw ideas out of a hat, we will now discuss what we should dress up a-"

Pein paused as Itachi slowly raised his hand.  
Itachi rarely called out over the top of anyone so Pein could have easily ignored it.  
But despite Peins desperate _want_ to ignore it, he knew that if he didn't acknowledge the Uchiha he might end up regretting it.  
If the way he was getting glared at was any indication.  
Sighing slightly, he nodded to Itachi in a way that showed he was listening.  
Clearing his throat, Itachi uttered the 7 word sentence that automatically rendered the Akatsuki a raging, seething mass of violence.

"I propose we all dress as duckies."

Instantly, chairs, paper, pens and cups began flying.  
Several clay busts of Pein were thrown back and forth until they were katsu'd into oblivion along with the hair of anyone standing nearby.

"No!"

"I'm not dressing as a duck, yeah!"

"Itachi…!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Itachi smirked at the uproar his suggestion had caused and watch with mild interest as Peins other bodies dashed into the room to restrain the more aggressive of the Akatsuki.  
Ahem, they being Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, Sasori… Actually, just the Akatsuki in general.  
Konan seemed the only one unaffected, probably expecting something of the sort from Itachi.  
Zetsu didn't seem worried either, but only because he knew that he wouldn't fit in a duckie suit.  
Sir Leader glared at the Uchiha, to which the corners of Itachis lips twitched in amusement.  
Yes… he had known exactly what effect the sentence would have on the group.  
Scowling at the raven, Pein turned back to the organization and growled,

"Anyone else have any good ideas?"

Hidan grinned and proceeded to call out his suggestion when Konan interrupted him,

"If you DARE say we go as Jashinists I will **force**you into a duckie suit!"

Hidans grin faded and he crossed his arms in annoyance, mumbling under his breath something that sounded like, "Stupid blue haired bitch."  
Needless to say, a glass cup of water immediately connected with his face, courtesy of said blue haired bitch.  
Smirking at Hidans pain, Deidara raised a toothy hand and happily suggested,

"We could all go as serial killers?"

"We ARE serial killers," Hidan sneered

"No, I meant like Ivan Milat or Charles Manson." Deidara replied with less venom than expected.

Pein shook his head, "No. Dressing as serial killers only adds to the insult. Not to mention that our costumes would be nothing more than normal clothes spattered with fake blood. Easy to confuse as a zombie."

Deidara threw back his head and sighed.  
Now that he thought about it, it probably WAS a little silly for a serial killer to dress as a serial killer… Almost as stupid as a few years ago when Peins other bodies dressed as the Akatsuki.  
At least he wouldn't have had to dress as Sasuke again…  
Choosing to remain oblivious to those around him, Sasori monotonously murmured,

"To save the arguments and bloodshed that will inevitably follow this conversation, why don't we all just dress how we want?"

Pein paused and mentally slapped himself for legitimately not thinking of that.  
The rest of the Akatsuki, minus Itachi and Kakuzu who didn't actually show any emotion other than evilness, blinked in surprise at the intelligent suggestion.  
Nodding and waving his hand, Pein replied,

"Okay, fine choose to dress up as whatever you want. The only rule is you HAVE to dress up – Itachi, I'm looking at you."

The Uchiha scowled and turned his head away from his obnoxious leader.  
Fine.  
If Pein wanted him to dress up, then he WOULD dress up.

* * *

"Itachi I told you to dress up!"

"I am dressed up."

"AS WHAT!?"

"A member of the Akatsuki."

"Get back in the base and find an outfit. If you aren't out in five minutes I'll FORCE you to wear a duckie costume."

Itachi shrugged and turned back towards the base, removing his Akatsuki cloak as he walked.  
Oh well, he tried.  
As he entered the base and glanced around at the scattered costumes and clothes around the living room, Itachi mused over what he could dress as.  
Hidan had gone as a zombie, matting his hair with what looked suspiciously like real blood, impaling himself with random objects and ripping all of his clothes – as you do.  
Then because the zombie bitched to him constantly, Kakuzu had finally relented and dressed as Frankenstein's monster.

And he pulled it off brilliantly, Itachi smirked.

Sasori had placed his heart container inside another bald puppet with no nose that he had been working on.  
He was going as Voldemort.  
Deidara, in a random bout of creativity, had let down his hair and dressed as Legolas from Lord of the Rings.  
Kisame had surprised everyone, wearing a turtle shell on his back and a 'mask' over his eyes, going as Rafael from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  
Tobi had donned a cape and was going as the Phantom of the Opera.  
While for some reason, Pein had dyed his hair black, grown a fake mustache and decided to trick or treat as a very tall Mario, Konan was dressed as Cruella Devil.

"Hmm, so 101 Dalmatians, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Frankenstein, Dawn of the Dead and Phantom of the Opera are movies I cannot use…"

Itachi scowled.  
They were basically the best movies known to man… What else COULD he dress as…?  
There wasn't any point in going if he couldn't dress as Aragon, Snape or Leonardo…  
Sighing, the Uchiha sauntered over the attic ladder to find the box he had placed on Peins bed as a 'hint hint nudge nudge' for Halloween costumes.  
Pulling one out in his size, Itachi silently slipped on his Halloween outfit before glancing at himself in the mirror.  
At least he looked cute…  
Rules be damned, he DID look cute.  
No one would dare tease him either.  
It took a real man to wear a duckie suit.

* * *

The Akatsuki walked towards Konoha with growing excitement.  
Deidara and Hidan were having a heated discussion about whose costume was better while everyone else seemed to disguise their joy with small talk.  
It wasn't often that they got to walk around and just relax so they intended to make the most of it.  
The walk from their base to Konoha wasn't ACTUALLY that far (which didn't really say a lot for Konohas ANBU surveillance teams) so they were nearing the village after only an hour.  
Because the Hokage had been extremely lenient for once, Pein had decided that they would trick or treat in Konoha, mainly because they may never be able to again.  
Surprisingly, Itachi had contested this.  
The Uchiha had warned them that Hidden Leaf shinobi got pretty wild around Halloween and a village full of overly excited ninjas equipped with sharp pointy things and hyped up on sugar wasn't as tame as it sounded.  
He had been ignored of course.  
Konoha was by far the most pleasant place to visit in the elemental countries and Pein wasn't about to pass up the opportunity.

So whilst the Akatsuki was happily chatting away, Itachi was shooting glances in every direction like a paranoid schizophrenic.  
He himself, was once an ANBU and could remember the tedious job of breaking up fights between jounin over trivial things such as lollypops.  
Ohhhh yes, jounin were nutcases.  
God forbid Anko Mitarashi still be alive…  
Anko had a nasty habit of flinging dango skewers at random passersby that more often than not, had miniature paper bombs attached.  
Yes, Anko was creative…  
Kisame had been Itachis partner long enough to know that when Itachi was cautious, it was best you were as well, so he too, was slightly on guard.

"Hey what's that, yeah?"

Conversations were cut short as something small and white appeared in the distance.  
Had the woods they were walking through been not as thick, the Akatsuki probably would have picked up on it sooner.  
Any threat had to be evaluated.  
Despite the peace treaty, Pein had warned them all that a stern word from the Hokage probably wouldn't deter anyone seeking revenge against the criminals who killed their friends/families and who were conveniently in their village.  
As it was though, they needn't have worried.  
When the distance between the group and the object had closed, they could make out that it was actually just a girl in a white Lolita nurse outfit.  
She looked innocent enough... despite the fact that she was covered in blood.  
Tobi wandered up beside Deidara, who had run ahead to see what he had found, and glanced between the two curiously.  
Tilting his head, Tobi whispered,

"Is she a bad guy, Deidara-sempai?"

Deidara glanced at Tobi out of the corner of his eye before returning to look at the girl skeptically, unsure of whether he should be attacking.  
He was saved from deciding however, when she glanced up at them and smiled happily,

"Trick or treat!"

Itachi watched with narrowed eyes as the girl in the white Lolita dress handed out sweets to everyone (much to the delight of Tobi) before disappearing into thin air.  
She had seemed harmless enough, although he made a mental note to Sharingan the treats for a 'poison scan' before they were eaten.  
Not that it really mattered, he _could _just wait for Deidara to eat one and see if he died…  
Heh heh…  
A nudge from his left, had Itachi rubbing his ribs and grimacing as Kisame pointed into the woods.

"Hey Itachi, isn't that Sasuke?"

Whatever thoughts Itachi might have had about killing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Shurtle (Shark and turtle? Hahaha I am entertaining!) were instantly pushed out of his mind as, true to his word, Sasuke stalked out of the bushes and scowled at Itachi.

"Hn… Foolish little brother."

Sasuke nodded, looking slightly more… feminine than usual.  
Raising his eyebrow at his little brothers lack of 'rawr, imma kill chu!', Itachi activated his Sharingan and gave Sasuke the once over.  
Despite looking like Sasuke, the person before him had a completely different chakra signature.  
Frowning slightly, Itachi stalked over and growled,

"Who are you?"

The 'Sasuke' tilted its head before replying, "YourSecretStalker."  
Oh…  
So it really WAS Sasuke!  
I think?  
Shaking his head in confusion, Itachi decided that it was probably just best to walk away from this one.  
He was used to broody emo Sasuke, not "I am going to watch you" Sasuke.  
Sasuke seemed to have the same kind of idea and walked back into the bushes, re-hiding so it could continue to stalk him no doubt.  
As Itachi turned away, he was forced to jump backwards and pull out a shuriken from a secret pouch in his duckies suit as a kunai with a paper tag punctured the ground in front of him.  
It seemed that the rest of the Akatsuki too, had to leap out of the way.  
Itachi shot his eyes to the trees where a Konoha ANBU with a bear mask was happily perched and wielding several more kunai.  
For some reason, the paper tags didn't explode.  
Ohhh joy, Itachi thought, already we are being attacked by hyper active jounin wielding pointy things and hyped on sugar.  
That means no sudden movements.

"Hey, you!"

Itachi grit his teeth in annoyance as Hidan walked towards the tree with a very angry look on his face.  
So much for that…  
Fisting the air with unrivalled ego, the Jashinist called,

"Try and fucking kill me! I dare yo-AACK!"

Without hesitation, the ANBU threw a kunai straight for Hidan.  
But instead of piercing his flesh or exploding, the small weapon bounced off his head and fell to the ground.  
Itachi blinked.  
With a wave of the hand, the ANBU cheerfully called, "Happy Halloween!" before disappearing off into the forest.  
Grumbling and rubbing the growing lump on his head, Hidan bent down and picked up the kunai that had been thrown his way.  
A grin donned his face as he examined it, crying out with joy, "Its fucking chocolate! The paper just says, "Happy Halloween.""

Sighing with relief and slight exasperation depending on who you focused on, the Akatsuki left their defensive positions and gathered up the chocolate kunai on the ground.  
Itachi sent a pointed look to Pein that clearly read, "I told you Konoha shinobi were nutjobs."  
For his part, Pein just rolled his eyes and waved him off.  
All ninjas were crazy to some degree, Konoha would be no different to the rest.

They continued to walk towards said village, noting that as they got closer, more and more people in costumes seemed to appear.  
Deidara frowned as another group of female ninjas ran past them giggling behind their hands.  
He caught the eye of a pretty girl dressed as a red She-devil and waved her over.  
Might as well ask someone what the bloody hell was going on…  
She wandered over with a smile and held out her hand, "Iluvninjas!" she greeted.  
Deidara raised an eyebrow and shook her hand cautiously, "I love ninjas too, yeah… Look I was just wondering why there are so many people out here in the woods? I thought that there was a celebration going on INSIDE Konoha, hmm?"

The girl nodded happily and replied, "Yup, the main party is in Konoha, we are just all running away from the jounin… They have gone a little crazy this year."

Itachi snorted from behind them.  
That meant they had gone VERY crazy this year… Things were not boding well for them…  
The last year he could recall staying for Halloween was the year that the Jounin had decided to invade the houses of almost every other ninja in the village and glue their furniture to the ceiling.  
Deidara looked like he was going to ask the she-devil something else but before he could, another girl dressed as a raccoon bolted through the small crowd and tackled him in a hug.

"OOF!"

"Deidara!"

"…Hi, yeah?"

Without another word to the blonde, the raccoon girl bounced away from him and jumped on an unsuspecting Tobi.  
The orange masked man seemed a little taken aback by the blatant display of affection and cried out in surprise, warranting Zetsu to wander over with a stern word in mind for the girl.  
Seriously, who goes around jumping on people?  
His angry words died on his lips however, when she presented Tobi with a lollipop and reached up to pat Zetsu on the head.  
Itachi watched on in amusement as a disgruntled Zetsu smoothed his hair back into place.  
At least no one had jumped him yet.  
As was the problem with Sasuke, Itachi had been insanely popular with the ladies during his chuunin, jounin, ANBU and gennin days.  
It was nice seeing Deidara get tackled for once – maybe tonight he would be able to relieve his built up sexual tension.  
Itachi diverted his attention back to the raccoon girl who was at this point in time, pointing and laughing at Hidan and Kakuzu for no good reason.  
Between gasps of air and giggles, she laughed, "You… guys are… hahaha SOOOO screwed…!"  
Tilting his head, Itachi frowned.  
If anyone was going to survive the night it was going to be Hidan and Kakuzu – providing the latter didn't have any heart attacks.  
Before a very annoyed Hidan could ask just WHY he was screwed, Pein wandered over with the same thing in mind.  
For some reason, this seemed to frighten the raccoon girl.  
Well they assumed she was frightened because she ran away screaming.  
Hidan rolled his eyes whilst Pein looked surprised, confused and even a little hurt,

"Trust that bitches would be scared of you but not the two people who are the most fucking likely to kill them. Itachi was right, Konoha is fucking weird."

Turning to Deidara, Hidan continued,

"How the fuck do you put up with being jumped all over?"

Deidara shrugged.  
If he was to be completely honest, he really didn't mind being hugged all that much.  
It had nothing to do with his so called 'sexual tension' as Itachi so fondly liked to write, he just enjoyed hugs in general.  
Not like it was a crime or anything.

* * *

"WOAH!"

All eyes turned to Sasori and Konan who had jumped away from a tree they had been leaning against.  
Itachi watched with narrowed eyes as a ghost wandered out from behind it.  
It floated in midair for a few seconds before murmuring, "Seven days to live, my friends… Seven days…"  
Kisame glared at it skeptically and glanced to Itachi for a status report on the ghost before them which seemed to be evaporating into thin air.  
Itachi returned his gaze and muttered, "A genjutsu I think… Let's go."  
Konan shivered and hastily grabbed Peins arm as they walked.  
Crazy jounin were one thing, ghosts were another.

"HI HIDAN! SASORI SUCKS! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!"

Sasori scowled as a hyper active mummy ran past, the bandages of the costume resembling toilet paper more than ACTUAL bandages, and seriously debated whether or not it was worth killing the 'undead corpse'.  
Surely Pein didn't expect them all to go a WHOLE NIGHT without at least one person dying.  
They all had murderful cravings and they could only take so much tormenting.  
Someone was bound to slip up at some point.  
But then, that sort of thing was only expected from Hidan, Deidara and Itachi (if you got him angry enough)  
No, Sasori would not sink to their level.  
He wouldn't murder someone because he 'sucked'.  
Taking a deep breath in through his nose, Sasori shook his head and continued on, reminding himself of the paintings he had seen on his last visit to an art gallery.  
This calmed him significantly and he mentally thanked Buddha that Deidara had not yet spouted something about -

"ART IS FLEETING!"

Sasoris eyes snapped open furiously and he watched as a man in a yellow duck costume raced by.  
Not so subtly, Sasori sent a poisoned projectile from under his evil Voldemort cloak and smirked in satisfaction when he heard a yelp come from the direction the man had ran.

"Insane, foolish man… Art is eternal."

Deidara wandered up beside his partner as they continued to walk with wide eyes.  
After a few seconds of feeling Deidaras gaze on him, Sasori whirled around and hissed, "What!?"  
Blinking few times, the blonde shook his head and murmured, "Nothing… You sounded like Itachi was all."

* * *

Hidan rubbed the back of his head as the Akatsuki continued to move forwards, scowling slightly when some of the dried blood he had smeared through his hair crumbled and fell away.  
Oh well, it wouldn't be too difficult for someone to willingly (or unwillingly) spare some more for his costume (which was fucking awesome by the way).  
"Hidan."  
The Jashinist glanced at Kakuzu and snapped "What!?"  
Kakuzu rolled his eyes at his partner, he could really careless what Hidan was complaining about.  
Probably upset that his costume didn't have enough blood or something.  
So instead of retaliating and causing an argument, Kakuzu pointed down the road slightly where a man dressed as Jack Sparrow stood with his arms folded and grinning at Hidan.  
The costume was actually really well done despite the man having lavender hair and the fact that the Akatsuki was pretty sure Jack Sparrow did not wear a Jashinist pendant.  
The Hidan folded his arms and raised an eyebrow at the man.  
Jashinist or not, he wasn't going to be polite for someone he didn't know.

"What do you fucking want?"

"To tell you something, love."

Despite being slightly confused, Kakuzu nearly burst into laughter at the affectionate name the man had bestowed upon Hidan.  
Hidan himself didn't seem as amused and looked like he was considering whether or not to kill the man, listen to what he had to say or just walk away.  
Considering his curious nature and inability to walk away from anything that involved an argument, Kakuzu correctly predicted Hidans response.

"Tell me what? And don't fucking call me 'love'"

"Ah but I must call you love, love. Because it is you that I love!"

"WHAT!?"

Hidans head spun upon hearing the word 'love' too many times in one sentence. It was a scary word.  
Even scarier when it involved him.  
_Who the hell just comes out and says that!?_  
You are first supposed to ask if the other person is gay, then you ask if they are single and then you ask if they want to touch butts.  
That's the homo-erotic-etiquette. (this relationship advice is borrowed from Martin Brillany…)  
Taking a deep breath to steady himself and slightly marveling in the fact that he was taking this heartfelt confession so… well, Hidan slowly reached behind his back and grasped his scythe.  
Looking at the pirate very firmly, he ground out, "I will find and talk to you about this later… Now go away."

Grinning happily and clapping his hands, the pirate called out "Okay! My name is Aether by the way."  
Hidan shook his head with a frown and muttered a small "right…" under his breath before turning and walking away.  
The Akatsuki blinked in shock at Hidans reaction, not quite sure if they should talk to him or not.  
Instead they followed behind him, watching him closely with guarded amusement as he fended off a girl that randomly jumped out of the bushes not 10 metres away from his last encounter.  
This one in particular was dressed as Audrey Hepburn and looked really quite lovely…

Deidara caught her when she was thrown through the air by and away from an angry Jashinist.

"Piss off and leave me the fuck alone!"

The Audrey Hepburn blinked and glanced up at Deidara with an 'is he always like this?' expression.  
Grinning ferally, Deidara replied to her unasked question, "Don't worry, pretty sure he is just trying to figure out his sexuality, yeah."  
The girls mouth made an 'o' shape of understanding.

"At least he didn't kill me. I have to live long enough to be over the legal drinking age."

Deidara snickered and she grinned back, thanking him before turning and running back into the woods.  
Itachi was definitely right when he said Konoha was full of weirdos.  
Speaking of Konoha, how long until they bloody get there?  
Turning around with the intent of asking Itachi, Deidara froze and blinked at the sight that greeted him.  
And apparently he wasn't the only one, the rest of the Akatsuki had also stopped their walkings and were watching curiously.  
Apparently in the small amount of time that they had stopped, two girls had each latched themselves onto one of Itachis arms.  
One of them was dressed in a short black dress with blood red hair (Probably Teto from Vocaloid) while the other had massive glasses and wielded a book under her arm – She seemed to be dressed as a nerd.  
As Deidara watched, the girl dressed as Teto said a goodbye to the Uchiha, to which Itachi politely replied by giving her a small bag of sugary treats that he had obviously had no intention of eating in the first place and a half smile, before wandering over to Kisame and giving him a hug.  
Kisame raised an eye brow at her and as she ran away, she called back, "You need more hugs Kisame!"  
Deidara rolled his eyes, no doubt the Shurtle was going to be bragging about that all week.

"-so much inner angst. The bond between you and Sasuke is one which will never be broken. It is such a sad tale full of-"

Deidara turned his attention back to a frowning Itachi and the nerd who had an iron grip on his arm.  
Squeezing his eyes shut, the blonde sighed.  
Talking to Itachi about his little brother is a VERY taboo subject in the Akatsuki.  
You only brought it up if any of the following conditions were met:  
1) Sasuke was present  
2) Sasuke was present and Itachi didn't know  
3) Or if Itachi mentions it  
Judging by the darkening expression on Itachis face, none of the conditions had been met.  
Despite being impervious to genjutsu, Deidara found himself unwilling to intervene.  
He wanted to fight Itachi sure, but only when he was in his normal 'I-don't-care-about-the-world' mood.  
This mood, his I-will-kill-you-where-you-stand-and-then-giggle-manically-for-25-episodes was dangerous.  
Kakuzu seemed to think so as well.  
Or so he assumed considering that the stitched nin walked up to the pair and none to gently removed the girl from Itachis arm.  
Even though she was obviously annoyed at the turn of events, the nerd immediately turned her questions onto Kakuzu as he led her away.

"I love your stitches, can you tell me how to do them?"

"No."

"What about tips for math study?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeee-"

"NO GODDAMMIT!"

Pein frowned after the growling miser and hyper active nerd.  
Maybe Itachi was right…  
Something about Konoha (or more specifically, its inhabitants) seemed a bit off.  
Shaking his head, the feared leader of the Akatsuki turned Mario gave a sigh.  
At least no one had gone on a murder spree yet.  
He had honestly thought that Hidan would be the one to go crazy and kill everyone but so far the only ones to die had been murdered by Sasori.  
What a strange turn of events…

"No! No! Fuck off, there is no fucking way any of us are fucking doing that!"

Had it been Hidans voice that accompanied those words, Pein would have turned a deaf ear on the man.  
However, Pein did not remember the Jashinists voice to be so… high and womanly.  
True to his suspicions, Hidan was not in fact the speaker.  
Konan stood before a golden ape with an Akatsuki cloak who was waving a large sword around threateningly.  
Whatever the man had suggested, Konan was NOT happy about it.  
I sense another murder, Pein thought bitterly._  
Why cant we just go 5 whole minutes without being interrupted…?_  
Brandishing his blade, the man pointed it at Konan whilst motioning to his eyes.

"I have the eyes of Sasuke Uchiha! Now I command you to strip!"

Itachis eye twitched.  
That was the second time this night that Sasuke had been mentioned without his blessing.  
All it took was one step forward for the man to recognize Itachis presence for the first time, deciding wisely to shrink backwards.  
Noting the crazy look in the Uchihas eyes, the man laughed nervously,

"Haha… Just a joke you know…?"

10,000 puppies died when Itachi grinned at him.  
Despite being mass murderers with no regard to human life, all of the Akatsuki flinched and looked away as Itachi dove in like a vulture in an attempt to pluck out the mans eyes.  
When the screams had stopped and the 'thump' of a body hitting the ground was heard, the organization hesitantly turned around.  
Itachis duckie suit was spattered with blood and he scowled as he examined the eyes in his hand.  
Noticing the glares, stares and frowns his fellow members were giving him, the Uchiha threw an eye at Konan, who flinched away from it and covered her mouth.

"They are contact lenses… These are not Sasukes eyes."

Unbeknownst to everyone other than a very nervous Deidara, Sasori grinned at the sight before him.  
Not because of all the blood or anything, more at the fact that now that someone else had committed murder he would not be the only one to get in trouble.  
Peins murder speeches could be very tedious to listen through…

The Akatsuki ventured on, trying to put as much space between the two dead men as possible.  
The further away they were the less likely Konoha would blame them for their actions.  
Pein had a vague feeling that wanting to steal someones eyes and getting annoyed with someone weren't good enough reasons to excuse murder in Konoha.  
A bush rustled beside him just off the road and Pein stopped for a moment to examine it.  
Even if it was just an animal it was always good to be sure.  
After all, if Itachi had deemed Konoha a dangerous place then he should at least listen to him to a degree.  
He saw nothing in the bush but did take note of movement further ahead where the rest of the Akatsuki were walking.  
It didn't really bother him to notice that it was Hidan that was being stalked.  
That man desperately needed training in the area of sensing other ninja and being surprise attacked.  
Instead of interfering as a kind and loving leader should, Pein tilted his head and watched as the situation unfolded.

Hidan cursed as he was jerked to the side and found himself gazing into the two pairs of irritated eyes belonging to two young men who looked none too happy to see him.  
What the fuck?! When the fuck did they pop out of _nowhere_!?  
The one with long white hair and blue and white stripy shirt had Hidans collar twisted and bunched threateningly in his fist whilst the shorter one was pointing a weird looking golden rod at him threateningly.  
A deep gravelly voice escaped the throat of the white haired man as he flicked at Hidans pendant and growled,

"This must be the millennium item we have been searching for. Why do you have it?!"

Scowling at being mistreated so many times that night, Hidan pushed the man away from him and glared skeptically at the tanned man holding the golden rod.  
Following the mans eyesight, Hidan glanced down at the circular symbol of his faith hanging around his own neck.

"Millennium what? It's my fucking Jashinist pendant and you aren't fucking taking it."

"Oh contraire, we WILL be taking it."

Itachi watched with mild amusement as Hidan and the two men squabbled back and forth for a few minutes, noting with interest that a strange chakra-like presence was making itself known around the trio.  
Whoever these two were, they were pretty dangerous.  
Not that Hidan would ever notice.  
For all him immortality and boasting, the Jashinist had absolutely no chakra sense.

"Give us the millennium item now or we will send you to the shadow realm!"

Hidan snorted at the white haired man who at some point had been referred to as 'Bakura'.  
Like he was going to give up his Jashinist pendant to someone who didn't even know what it was.  
Whatever this shadow realm was, who gives a shit? He was immortal.  
Spreading his arms wide, Hidan growled,

"Fucking bring it!"

Sure enough, a few seconds later Hidan later comatose on the ground as the shadowy chakra… stuff… receded and the slightly less angry men tore his rosary away before hightailing it.  
Itachi sighed through his nose, vaguely regretting not asking the two men how to do what they just did.  
Sure would be useful to send Sasuke to the 'Shadow Realm' every once in a while.  
At least Hidan would be quiet for a while now.  
Deidara however, didn't seem to agree with Itachis silent point of view, eyes growing wide with horror as Sasori bent over Hidans motionless body and confirmed his comatose status.  
Apparently, seeing the immortal man being taken down so easily when his opponents didn't even touch him, freaked Deidara out to a massive degree.  
What chance did any of them have if HIDAN of all people went down so easily?  
Between the glompers, chocolate kunai wielding ninjas, fake Sasukes, gay pirates, ghosts and now evil people who could render immortals comatose, Deidaras nerves were shot and he had had enough.

"That's it! Itachi was right, Konoha is crazy during Halloween! Let's go home, yeah!"

The Akatsuki watched as Deidara stomped off the way they had come, oblivious to the small blonde 5 year old in a ninja costume until she kicked him in the shin.  
What a brave child, Konan mused.  
Deidara toppled over and grasped his leg, howling in pain.  
The child ran off down the road, laughing as she went.

"KATSU!"

"Deidara!"

"Deidara…"

"DEIDARA!"

"Argh! Why did you do that!? Blood, blood, blood – ewwwwww!"

Pein closed his eyes and sighed.  
Great. So now Hidan was out, Deidara had covered them all in blood and they had at least three murders on their hands.  
Not to mention Hidans rage when/if he wakes up and finds his rosary missing.  
And if Deidara was in his current 'freaked out' state of mind then it was probably best they DID go home.  
Otherwise he WOULD go kamikaze on them and he was too valuable a member to have killed by Iwa shinobi.  
He was pretty jumpy too, considering he squealed like a girl when a group of men walked along the road towards them dressed as the Akatsuki.  
And they were pretty convincing as well, Pein noted dryly.  
The only difference was that there was two Itachis and two Hidans…  
Guess they had more people than they needed.  
Deidara watched with wide eyed curiosity as one of the imposter Itachis and one of the imposter Hidans broke loose from the group and wandered over…  
Well… The Itachi wandered over.  
The Hidan cosplayer bounded over in joy, prompting Deidara to scream out again and send a bomb at the girl.  
Fortunately for her, it missed and instead blew up the imposters Kisame, Kakuzu, Pein and Sasori.  
Deidara blinked and flinched when the cosplayer ran past him and instead jumped on the motionless body of Hidan… Just as Kakuzu was lifting his comatose body from the ground.  
The cosplayer managed to kiss Hidans cheek before they both fell down, Hidans head making a sickening crunch as it did.  
Rounding on the girl, Kakuzu crossed his arms ominously,

"He's in a coma dammit and you come jumping along!? I'm giving you one chance to get out of here before I kill you. And don't even think about talking!"

Face pale, the cosplayer nodded in fright and out of habit muttered,

"I'm sorry…"

"Did you just speak!?"

"NO!"

"START RUNNING!"

"KAKUZU STOP! WE HAVE KILLED ENOUGH PEOPLE TONIGHT!"

"…Too late, yeah…"

Deidara had a few seconds to watch the cosplayer fall to the ground when the remaining Akatsuki imposters (that he hadn't blown up) grabbed his hair harshly and forced him to look at them.  
The blonde winced at seeing his look-a-like glaring at him.

"What the hell is your problem!? Do you have any idea how annoying it is when people blow up your shadow clones!?"

Shadow clones?  
Deidara gazed around the Akatsuki imposter to find that there were no bodies where the explosion had gone off.  
Well that made sense…  
Kind of.

As the imposters began yelling at Deidara again, Itachi glanced to his side as the second Itachi imposter walked up beside him.  
They nodded briefly to each other before continuing to watch the epic battle.  
Konan consoled Kisame as he had a panic attack behind the group.  
Apparently, having three Itachis running around was just too much to bear.

"So… How's it going?"

Itachi shrugged, not bothering to make eye contact.  
Its not often one got to see Deidara looking as frightened as he was.

"Do you have any Halloween sweets?"

Itachi paused in thought and glanced down into his bag of Halloween treats, most of which he had obtained from the girl in the Lolita outfit.  
Deciding he wasn't going to eat them anyway, he shook his head and emptied his bag into his clones.

"You can have mine. I hate to be rude but I think I should probably intervene. I think Deidara is about to cry."

The Itachi copy snorted in agreement and waved goodbye.  
Itachi watched her go curiously.  
First person ever not to jump me… I should celebrate.  
As it turned out, he didn't really need to intervene because Deidara seemed to lose his nerve altogether and blow up the remaining clones… and the original.  
Itachi raised an eyebrow and secretly hoped that Konoha would blame the rising body count on him solely…  
That wouldn't be fair.  
He only killed people whose last name started with 'Uchiha'

"I LOVE THE ZOMBIE COMBO!"

"SHUT UP AND GET OFF HIDANS POSSIBLY DEAD BODY!"

"STOP FUCKING TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE!

Itachi watched the current victim high tail it into the forest, painfully aware that an angry miser was chasing her.  
She kind of looked like Deidara with her blue eyes and blonde hair…  
Oh well. None of his concern.

"Itachi?"

The Uchiha turned to Konan with a raised eyebrow.

"I thin kyou were right about Konoha being full of nutcases… I have spoken to Pein and he agrees with you and Deidara. We are going home."

Nodding and secretly thrilled with this new information, Itachi turned to leave.  
Hidans body lay on the ground before him, the rest of the Akatsuki having maneuvered around it leaving him to pick it up.  
Kakuzu still hadn't returned but there seemed to be no one around.  
Perhaps he could just leave it here…

"Excuse me?"

Turning, Itachi found himself face to face with a… witch?  
The Blair witch by the looks of things…  
Nodding slightly in acknowledgement, Itachi replied,

"Yes..?"

"Is that dead guy yours?"

Itachi followed her pointed finger to Hidans body and watched it thoughtfully.  
If this witch took the body then he didn't have to carry it!  
Locking eyes with the witch, Itachi replied,

"No. You can have him."

The witch gave him what COULD have been a smile and floated past him to where Hidan was laying.  
My conscience is clear, Itachi thought, quite pleased with how things had gone.  
He didn't bother to turn around as he walked forward briskly, intent on catching back up to the group.

It didn't take him long…  
Apparently, Tobis candy had been stolen and the person responsible was being taken care of by Sasori.  
Said lolly-thief was held in place by the puppet masters chakra strings and was swearing up a storm as she tried in vain to move.  
Smirking happily, Sasori replied to Itachis questioning gaze,

"She will make a nice puppet."

Ahhh that makes sense…  
Though no doubt he was going to have a difficult time with it…  
This woman had a whip!  
If they were lucky, she would somehow whip Sasori to death.

"What…?"

Itachi turned away from his evil thoughts and looked at the remaining Akatsuki, all of whom were staring at him in everything from amusement to confusion to anger.  
The speaker had been Sasori himself, and it was said with so much venom that Itachi could only deduce one reason why…

"I said that out loud didn't I?"

Sasori growled and took a step forward.  
Dammit, Itachi thought, I am almost positive that Sasori is impervious to Genjutsu…  
He vaguely wondered if he would make a good puppet when Sasori was stopped from murdering him by a very angry voice from a very angry miser.

"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU LOOK AFTER HIDAN!?"

Itachi blinked.  
Since when did Kakuzu care so much for his partners wellbeing?  
There was no other way to go about it, so Itachi decided to act cool.

"What are you talking about Kakuzu?"

"LOOK AT HIM! SOMEONE HAS CUT HIS HEAD OFF!"

Itachi glanced at Hidans headless body that Kakuzu had dragged along behind him.  
An image of the witch flashed through his mind and Itachi mentally groaned.  
Glancing between an angry Kakuzu and an angry Sasori, he decided that just this once, he would run from a fight.

* * *

**Lame ending is lame**

**I am very sorry that it took so long to get up and that it was kinda… bad…  
Damn you all for actually doing what I want!  
I should probably get a beta XD**

**Again, my apologies to those of you who were, maimed, blown up and killed but well… you know…**  
**And also, I deeply apologise to those of you I couldn't fit in. I hope you understand but as I said earlier, I will be doing a (probably late) Christmas special and will give all of you first priority if you wish to participate.**

**I just realized that this is the longest chapter I have ever written for ANY of my stories... So… Hooray.**  
**Next chapter will be November and it will be back to the same old Diary format (because as you can see I probably do that better) and then I will put up an announcement for the Christmas special.**

**KUDOS TO ANYONE THAT MADE IT THROUGH THIS FRIGGIN LONG CHAPTER!**


	36. November: Slend R Man

**First off, thanks again to everyone who participated last month.  
Due to popular demand, people spamming me with requests and the lovely death threat, I will be doing a Christmas Special… And it shall be the last special in… a… very… long… time…  
And there is noooooooooo fucking way I am doing one as complex as last month – uh uh.  
This time you get to send a present… And nothing more…  
There shall be no cameos because my black little heart cannot take anymore.  
So yeah…  
There shall be a maximum of 15 people this time who can send presents.  
Here be the rules:**

**Only one present can be sent per person but the present can be intended for two members of the Akatsuki (eg. You could send painting supplies for both Deidara and Sasori to share)**

**You CAN write a Christmas card to go with it but please for the love of frig don't make it long.**

**As much as you want to and as much as Itachi abuses the privilege… You cannot mail yourself to the Akatsuki, Naruto, Orochimaru, Sasuke, Sakura, Sai etcetera etcetera.**

**No bombs… I need them alive…**

**These people shall have priority pick because I missed you last chapter:**

**Katsumi Hatake**  
**Wrath76**  
**LuvLotsHana**  
**Partying'Through'Pain**  
**Night Chimes**  
**Count M**

**This leaves 9 spaces if all of these people send in presents.**  
**The closing date for RSVPs is January the 12th**** (AUS time) so that will be the 11****th**** for all you Americans.**

**So if you want to send a present let me know and I'll fit you in.**

***Sigh* My fingers are falling off….**  
**Also I'm sorry my updates have been so slow lately.**  
**Things have been pretty difficult on my end but I shall not bitch about it because that will forever make me a whiney attention seeking author... El Oh El.**

**And for frigs sake damn all of you people confusing my gender!**  
**For future reference and to clear up any lasting confusion I declare myself an 'it'...**

**So after the longest and bitchiest authors note in existence, without further ado…**  
**November, Ladies and Gentleman…**

* * *

**November 1st**

I don't think I really need to describe Halloween…  
Deidara hasn't slept in fear of trick or treaters, Sasoris self esteem has bottomed out, Kakuzu is just grumpy (as usual) and Hidan is… headless…  
For some reason, Sir Leader doesn't seem all that bothered about it…

* * *

**November 2nd**

To our 'joy' Tobi has found all of the Halloween lollies that we hid from him and has begun his reign of tyranny over the Akatsuki base.  
Personally I think he makes a wonderful ruler.

Only cause he is too scared to go against anything you say…  
**- Deidara**

What was that?  
**- Itachi**

…Nothing.  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**November 3rd**

For some reason, there has been a lot of commotion going on outside the base for the past few hours.  
Sir Leader (as in Pein, not Tobi) has ordered us to stay inside in case it is an attack which to be completely honest, wouldn't surprise me considering the casualties Halloween brought upon us.

* * *

**November 4th**

Still lots of noise outside…  
Unfortunately, being inside our Konoha base (which is in a cave) we have no windows and hence, have no idea what is going on out there.  
You would think that as the great and powerful leader of the Akatsuki, Pein would have taken our need to be able to see our surroundings into account.  
Not that it matters… We are only S-rank criminals with enormous bounties on our heads.

Shut it, Itachi. Or I will make YOU go out and see what is going on.  
**- Pein**

I'd rather not.  
**- Itachi**

Scared? Chicken? Bock bock…  
**- Deidara**

No, I am fishing. You should have noticed this considering you came INTO my room to WRITE in MY diary.  
**- Itachi**

You just won't give Kisame a break will you? He loves his aquarium… I am so glad I do not have you as a partner… I trust you are releasing the fish you catch back into his fish tank?  
**- Sasori**

Nope.  
**- Itachi**

Cruel bastard…  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**November 5th**

Despite my initial refusal yesterday, today I revoked my decision and braved the outside world to find out what all the commotion outside is about.  
Even though it is highly unlikely and ridiculously stupid… Apparently, we have neighbours…

Ninja?  
**- Pein**

I do not think so.  
**- Itachi**

How can you NOT know!? Your Mangekyou Sharingan can SEE chakra.  
**- Kakuzu**

I did not bother to check.  
-** Itachi**

Well… What do they look like?  
**- Sasori**

There is only one. He is tall and… slender.  
**- Itachi**

No problem. Send Hidan over to say hello- oh wait…  
**- Konan**

Shit, that's right… Hidan has no head!  
**- Deidara**

…We should probably send someone to recover that at some point…  
**- Pein**

* * *

**November 6th**

Thankfully, Sir Leader sent Kisame to find Hidans head and so for the moment, I am roommateless.  
Is that a word? Roommateless? I declare it to be a word!

That's going to change. Our new neighbour needs a room while his cave is being painted. I've allowed him to stay with you for a few nights.  
**- Pein**

Request permission to leave the base, Leader-sama?  
**- Sasori and Deidara**

Why?  
**- Pein**

Because I am pretty sure Itachi is not going to like that, yeah...  
**- Deidara**

He'll be fine. You both are staying.  
**- Pein**

* * *

**November 7th**

I hate Pein. I hate him a lot.  
In fact, I hate him so much that if I see him today... or tomorrow... I will most likely Sharingan him until his eye sockets bleed.  
Perhaps I will trap him in an eternal Mangekyou... Forever doomed to bare horrible torture...  
No that is no fun.  
Maybe I will call a chandelier shop and have the chandelier people install a chandelier somewhere that a chandelier should go.  
Then I shall make it fall on Peins head...  
This amuses me.  
I sincerely wish I had of asked those two men we saw on Halloween how to inflict comas upon people.

Stop brooding, Itachi. You will look after our new neighbour. In fact this will be a good chance for us to determine whether or not he is a threat to our immediate existence.  
You WILL put up with him and you will NOT scare him away...  
And we are not getting a chandelier.  
**- Pein**

Fuck you.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**November 8th**

I have the feeling there is something important happening today... but I can not put my finger on what it is...

That guy from next door is coming over.  
**- Deidara**

No, it is something else...  
**- Itachi**

Maybe its someones birthday?  
**- Sasori.**

...No. That cant be it... Oh well, I suppose it is destined to remain a mystery.  
-** Itachi**

YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE I FUCKING SWEAR! WHY DOESNT ANYONE REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!?  
**- Sasori**

Ah, but we do Sasori. We just don't care.  
**- Itachi**

All of my hate...  
-** Sasori**

* * *

**November 9th**

Itachi, when you read this I want you to come to my office. Your new umm... roommate says that he only saw you once before you disappeared.  
To be honest I am slightly worried.

DUDE! Have you SEEN the guy!? And I thought Kakuzu looked scary! Holy shit he gives me the creeps.  
**- Deidara**

Actually I am agreeing with Deidara on this. I have NEVER met someone who outclasses me in the weird looking department.  
**- Kakuzu**

Hey guys!  
**- Mysterious Neighbour Who As Of Yet Has No Name (That I am willing to disclose)**

WHAT THE FUCK!? HOW DID YOU FIND ITACHIS DIARY!?  
**- Deidara**

I have been watching you all come in and write in it... Got curious.  
**- MNWAOYHNN**

I never noticed you when I came in...  
**Kakuzu**

No one ever does.  
**- MNWAOYHNN**

Yeah... Whatever. Now I am going to have fucking nightmares... And where is Itachi!?  
**- Deidara**

I have no idea what you are talking about.  
**- MNWAOYHNN**

Oh god please don't tell me you ate him!?  
**- Deidara**

I thought you didn't like Itachi, Deidara?  
**- Sasori**

I don't. But I don't want this guy to get a stomach ache... Even if he is a creep.  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**November 12th**

So it has been three days since Itachi went missing... I still think it was that freaky guy with tentacle hands but Sasori no danna seems to think that Itachi just went for a really, REALLY long walk...  
Also it is quieter around here for some reason, yeah?

...Thats because Kakuzu went missing too.  
**- Pein**

WHAT!? Oh god, this day just gets worse and worse!  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**November 13th**

Hey guys...

Can you just go home already? You are really starting to freak me out. Your cave is most definitely painted by now so you don't need to stay here!  
**- Deidara**

Dei... Have you seen Pein?  
**- Konan**

Konan I will strangle you with my bare hands if you tell me he is missing.  
**- Deidara**

...Him and Sasori are both gone.  
**- Konan**

BUT THAT MEANS ITS JUST YOU AND ME LEFT, YEAH?!  
**- Deidara**

And mee!  
**- Tobi**

Go away, Tobi.  
-** MNWAOYHNN**

* * *

**November 14th**

The freaky guy has gone home and now its just me and Tobi left in the base...  
I don't know what happened to the others but they just disappeared into thin air.  
None of their things have gone so it doesn't look like they packed up and left...  
I'm really freaking out.. I think writing in this is the only thing keeping me sane.  
It doesn't help that Tobi is going through a curiosity stage when it comes to horror movies and keeps playing 28 Days Later and Cannibal Holocaust...  
Also I found out the name of that freak next door.  
What kind of horrible woman names her son Slend R. Man?

* * *

**November 15th**

Despite how troublesome it has been and how long it took, I have finally returned back to the base after securing my new job.  
Even though I do not care for such trivial things and find that simply brainwashing people into giving me their shiny objects, I also understand that it is something I should experience at some point in time.

I still think you could have chosen a better job, Itachi...  
**- Sasori**

Dont be ridiculous. I shall excel at my new job.  
**- Itachi**

Dare I ask?  
**- Konan**

WAIT! YOU GUYS ARE BACK!?  
**- Deidara**

Yes.  
**- Itachi**

Where did you go!?  
**- Deidara**

Nowhere. I have had you under a genjutsu for the last while. You imagined that we all abandoned you when in reality we were here all along.  
**-Itachi**

But... How? Why? FOR WHAT REASON?!  
**- Deidara**

You were getting annoying. It was kind of nice to see you walking around and not speaking to us. I liked the new Deidara.  
**- Sasori**

You...You prick! What about that creepy neighbour? He was part of the hallucination too right?  
-** Deidara**

Hey guyyyys!  
**Slend R. Man**

Fuck.  
**-Deidara**

* * *

**November 19th**

I must say, while the pay isn't as satisfactory as it could be, I am quite enjoying my new career. If only Sasuke would participate, I'm sure I could solve many of his problems.

Somehow I doubt that Itachi...  
**- Konan**

What is he doing again?  
**- Pein**

He is writing the Advice Column for the Shinobi Times.  
**- Sasori**

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Wait are you serious!?  
**-Pein**

Dont laugh, I give wonderful advice.  
**- Itachi**

I am going to test that somehow...  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**November 21st**

Itachi... While I am pleased that you took the initiative to find yourself a job, I must also now ask that you quit. Somehow I don't think you are quite... Advice Columnist material...  
**- Pein**

Ridiculous. My advice is life changing.  
**- Itachi**

It sure is. Since you have begun writing in the newspaper the suicide rate of shinobi who send in letters to you has increased dramatically.  
**- Pein**

You cant prove that.  
**- Itachi**

Yes I can, I now read to you the latest newspaper clipping from your column.  
First is the poor man who sent in his letter:

_Dear Itachi_  
_I have had the worst day of my life today and honestly need the opinion of someone professional to help me get back on my feet...  
It all started when I was on my way to work and my car broke down.  
I looked under the hood and to my horror, discovered that (insert generic car part here) had broken.  
Not to mention that I was late to work.  
In desperate need of help I called my wife in hopes that she could send someone out here to tow me off of the busy and potentially fatal highway that I was currently parked in the middle of, only to hear over the phone that she was cheating on me with my best friend.  
I really need your help, I don't know what to do anymore...  
Awaiting your reply,  
Steve  
_  
**-Pein**

Ahh yes... Good old Steve.  
**- Itachi**

Wow... That guys life sucked, yeah...?  
**- Deidara**

Yes... And now here is Itachis reply:

_Dear Steve.  
It is time like this that I find murder to be very stress relieving, although in saying that I have been in a bit of a homicidal mood lately. Not quite sure why.  
But anyway, back to answering your mopey, bitchy plea for advice...  
You should probably get a new car.  
And a new wife...  
Maybe a new best friend..._

_Or maybe the problem lies elsewhere because as well as looking at the situation like that, I could also reveal the more obvious and logical answer._  
_Your wife needs a new husband, your best friend needs a new best friend and your poor damn car needs a new owner._  
_What a horrible person you are, interrupting your wifes scandalous and probably extremely satisfying and exciting sex life._  
_Not only did you ruin your wifes happiness but also the joy your best friend was probably feeling at discreetly getting revenge upon you because he clearly hates the way you abuse and treat your poor car._

_The solution to your problem?_  
_You should probably just die..._

_Love Itachi xoxox_

**-Pein**

...Holy shit...  
**- Deidara**

Thats jus-... Wow...  
**- Kakuzu**

WHAT THE FUCK ITACHI!? WHO SAYS THAT!?  
**- Konan**

The man who is getting paid 350$ per sentence... Thats who.  
**- Itachi**

WEAR R ALL MI FISHIES!?  
**-Kissamee**

* * *

**November 24th**

I found another one of Itachis advice columns... This one is actually kind of funny  
**- Sasori**

I doubt any advice Itachi gives is funny...  
**- Konan**

No, honestly. This is the letter someone sent in:

_Hi Itachi._  
_To be honest, you sound like a bit of a dick but at the moment I really need help..._  
_For years I have struggled with depression and the only thing that has gotten me through is watching reruns of Gilligans Island every night on the Generic Classical Reruns Channel._  
_But last night they announced that it was the last episode ever because ratings and views were dropping._  
_HELP! I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT GILLIGANS ISLAND!_  
_-Bob_

And here is Itachis response:

_Dear Bob..._  
_What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the water near Gilligans Island?_  
_Love Itachi_

**-Sasori**

...Thats just weird...  
**- Konan**

As flattered as I am that you follow me in the papers, Sasori, I must ask you to stop. You are ruining my concentration.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**November 28th**

_Hey guysss... mean Itachi..._  
_I just moved house and my neighbours look really tasty._  
_All I can think about is devouring their souls._  
_Is this bad?_  
_**-Slend R. Man**_

_Dear Slend R. Man_  
_No... No it is not._  
_Devour them you foolish mortal!_  
_But if one of your neighbours has black hair, red eyes and lives in a room with a giant fishtank you had best leave him alive... It bodes ill for your mental health to kill him._  
_Have fun torturing the rest of them_  
_Love Itachi xx_

WHAT THE FUCK ITACHI!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DO-...  
**- Pein**

Yes... Yes I do.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**So again, Sorry for such a late update.**  
**I probably wont update any of my stories for a while after the extremely late Christmas Special... Just stuff.**  
**Also I apologise for this chapters crappy quality...**  
**But I am seriously considering starting up another interactive story in which people can write to Itachi for advice... Just sounds like a fun thing to do lol.**  
**So thank you for all your support everyone.**  
**This chapter officially celebrates 150 likes to this story which of course, wouldnt be possible without all you guys.**  
**See you soon guys.**

**Trigger and Itachi...**  
**And probably Slenderman**


	37. Christmas Special: Part One

_**Twas the night before Christmas and all through the base,  
Not a clay bird was stirring not even a-**_**  
fuck this I cant write Christmas carols for shit...**

**Anyway...**  
**I'm very sorry that this update has been so long in the making.**  
**Believe it or not, Z author has a life outside writing stories and said life has been sabotaged recently.**  
**Blah blah blah oh well.**

**Also, due to popular demand and because I received quite a few reviews and PMs requesting it, I will be starting up a new interactive story called Itachis Advice Column...**  
**To do this though, I will of course need some troubled young readers out there to send in their problems for Itachi to evaluate like the professional therapist he is... (I read that as The-rapist XD)**

**(Please don't send in serious problems and concerns, I don't want to be responsible for suicide)**

**So leave your problems in a review or PM and watch out for the new story!  
Oh, this story contains mild blasphemy... But I am not expressing MY point of view... only the characters. **

**Anyways, on with this one.**

* * *

The Akatsuki woke earlier than they would have liked to on Christmas morning.  
4:31am to be exact.  
The cause was of course, one hyper active orange masked fool called Tobi.  
At first, everyone was furious – as they had a right to be, but a small Tsukuyomi session was enough to put Mister ADHD back to bed for a few more blissful hours.  
A few...  
The Akatsuki had come to the conclusion that come Christmas time, Tobi had an inbuilt alarm clock that was set to go off at 5 minute intervals once it hit 7:30.  
Joy to the world and all that jazz...  
And so it was at quarter to eight that everyone happily (and not so happily) finally got out of bed and rushed into the lounge room... to find an interesting scene.  
Hidan tilted his newly sewn back on head at the sight before him with a frown.

"Hey... Didnt we only have about six presents under the tree...? Why is there all of a sudden, like... fucking 50?"

Kakuzu also frowned.  
Last time there had 'mysteriously' been more presents under the Christmas tree than normal, it had been Hidans fault...  
He glared at the Jashinist out of the corner of his eye.  
Seemingly catching onto the misers thoughts, Hidan scowled and shook his head as he stomped over to the massive pile of presents.

"No fucking trust anymore..."

"Not that I really care, Hidan. But I thought you hated Christmas? Against your religion or something?"

Turning to glare at the speaker – a very curious and slightly amused Pein – Hidan growled,

"I'm going to put up with it this year... At the very least I get presents... And it shuts Tobi up for a few hours."

The group rolled their eyes.  
Ulterior motives... Hidan down to a T.  
A violent mewling and sobbing alerted Sir Leader to the entrance to the lounge room where a very irritated Sasori was restraining an also very irritated Tobi from attacking the massive pile of presents.  
Pein gazed thoughtfully at the duo for a moment with a finger to his lips in contemplation, trying to decide whether or not he should allow Sasori to let go.  
I mean... It _seemed_ like the nice thing to do... and yet...  
It was so _very_ funny watching the puppet masters fury grow by the second.  
In the end the decision was left to Konan, who did in fact take pity on Sasori and gave him the signal that he could let go.

"FINALLY TOBI IS FREE!"

Itachi watched with narrowed eyes as the orange masked man dashed past him, spilling his coffee when he bumped into him.  
Kisame backed away nervously.  
An angry Itachi was/could be amusing.  
An angry Itachi + Christmas + Tobi was not.  
The Uchihas rapidly deteriorating mood did not improve when Hidan threw a gift at him (hitting him in the head) and shouted out,  
"Hey, Pinkeye! You got a present!"  
To his credit, Itachi did not move a muscle when he was hit, instead developing a severe twitch in his left eye.  
Before he could complain however, Hidan loudly cried out in not very well disguised joy, that there were presents address to all of them.  
A stampede ensued.

* * *

Kisame glanced over at Itachi, who was at this moment in time, pulling a plastic rubbery... thing over his hand and stretching it down his arm whilst examining it with great curiosity.  
"Hey, Itachi?"  
The raven haired man looked up from his strange present and blinked at Kisame – a sign that he was listening.  
Pointing to his partners hand, Kisame questioned, "What is that?"  
Itachi glanced at the item over his hand and tilted his head uncertainly before replying,  
"I believe it is a sock puppet of some kind. It came in that little packet over there."  
Itachi pointed to a small square packet lying next to a folded piece of paper.  
Moving aside all the wrapping paper in his way, Kisame opened the card and read out loud,

_Remember me, Itachi?_  
_Love Eneron_

A quick look at the packet confirmed Kisames suspicions and he blanched as the word "Trojan" glanced up innocently at him from the small packet.  
He decided that alerting Itachi to the fact that what he was wrapping around his hand was meant for another part of the human anatomy was probably not the best idea...  
So instead he took a picture.  
He had forgotten to get Sasuke a present.

* * *

Hidan blinked at the card before him before an animalistic snarl crossed his face.  
Kakuzu was watching with great interest as his partners facial expressions changed from curious to a frown to a snarl, before Hidan started shaking with rage.

"Frigging Frigsticks! Who the fuck says bullshit like this?! Kakuzu! Is there a return address on this fucking... abomination?!"

As calmly as he dared, Kakuzu gently pried the note from Hidans hand and his eyes skimmed over it briefly before he too, frowned.  
Deidara glanced over from his half unwrapped present and tilted his head.  
"What's with the scowls? Christmas is supposed to be happy!"  
Shooting the artist a dirty look, Kakuzu read aloud,

_Dear Kakuzu and Hidan,_

_Jashin isn't real and Jesus is the real god. And you shouldn't focus so much on money, but on our lord and savior Jesus._

_Love Partying'Through'Pain_

Deidara snorted in amusement and shook his head.  
Stupid Jesus... If he was so important then why was it that children were so much more interested in an obese stranger with horrible choice in clothes than a zombie with a cross?  
Although to be fair, Deidara had yet to see proof that Jashin was real either...  
He shook his head again.  
Best not to dwell on matters of the naive and foolish.  
His attention was diverted anyhow, when Tobi attempted to snatch the half wrapped present from his arms.  
Apparently, the 14 presents Tobi had acquired were not enough...  
Scowling at the boy and shooing him away, Deidara returned to opening his present in glee.  
With the paper gone he was faced with a cardboard box which he proceeded to tear open with a smile that would rival a child with a lollipops.

* * *

Kisame opened his present carefully, fully aware of the sloshing sound it was making as he tilted it side to side.  
When he unwrapped the final layer of paper, he was delighted to find a small plastic bag filled with water and housing about 5 pretty fish.  
His smile disappeared however, when he lifted out the frying pan that had accompanied them.  
Itachi leaned over, his hand still encased within the condom, and reached for the little card that was attached to Kisames frying pan:

_Kisame and Itachi,_  
_Here are some fish for your fish tank. Please hit Deidara with the frying pan._  
_- Iwagakure no Terra_

With the news that the frying pan was not in fact, for cooking his newly found friends, Kisames happiness reappeared and Itachis sadistic smirk promptly vanished.  
Sighing, Itachi leaned back, pinching he bridge of his nose with his 'sock puppet hand' in disappointment.  
He always loved cooking fish around Kisame.  
There goes his primary source of entertainment for the day...  
"ARGH! WHAT THE FUCK!?"  
Lowering the 'sock puppet' from his head slowly, Itachi gazed over to Deidara, who was currently writhing around on the floor trying to get away from a newly opened present.  
Perhaps not...  
Whilst watching him slip on wrapping paper was amusing, Itachi found himself increasingly interested in Deidaras present and promptly reached over (pushed Kakuzu out of the way) and grabbed (snatched) the blondes present.  
Out of the cardboard box he had retrieved fell a doll that looked surprisingly similar to their new neighbour, Slend R. Man.  
Raising an eyebrow, Itachi lifted the attached card to his face and squinted at the scrawled words.

_Merry Christmas, Deidara._  
_I hope your tentacles stay wriggly._  
_Love Slenderwoman._

Shaking his head in exasperation, Itachi threw the doll at Deidara in (not very) carefully hidden annoyance.  
What a stupid thing to be scared of...  
Turning his head away and scowling, the raven came face to face with a very happy looking Hidan.  
Normally Itachi wouldn't care, so long as that smile was focused on either a present or a torture victim, but as Hidan was currently smiling at him, the Uchiha narrowed his eyes suspiciously.  
His black eyes promptly turned Sharingan red when Hidans smile grew.  
The silence between them was terrifying.  
Partially because Hidan rarely STOPPED talking and partially because he was smiling... At Itachi... A very irritated Itachi...  
The Akatsuki stopped their present opening and glanced between the duo in suspicion dowsed in nervousness.  
Finally, after many tense moments, Itachi growled one word that would have the bravest of mortal men cowering in their boots:

"What?"

Smile growing, Hidan replied,  
"I was opening my presents and accidentally opened one that was for you-"  
The reaction was immediate, Itachis Sharingan instantly taking the form of the Mangekyou as he lunged at Hidan.  
The Uchiha didn't care about many things.  
But his own presents were one of the few things that he did care about.  
Hidan however, smiled cheerily at Itachis oncoming attack and pulled his arm out from behind his back and with it, Itachis Christmas present.  
The Uchihas attack was immediately halted as he caught sight of the object in Hidans hand and he shrieked in fright as the Jashinist switched on the electric razor.

* * *

**Okay so I have decided I am going to do this in three (or four) parts because I know people are wanting this chapter out and to be honest, I know for a fact that I am being (unintentionally) slack.  
My stories are being placed on hiatus at the moment – partially from lack of motivation and partially because of life developments.  
I will still however, finish this chapter (all of it) and accept complaints and such for Itachis Advice Column. (Send them in a review or a PM either as yourself or as a character of some sort)  
So I hope you enjoyed part 1 haha.  
Also, special note to Katsumi Hatake, I am not neglecting you I swear!  
So remember to rate and review after the mo'fucking beep and send your complaints to Itachi!  
Merry Late Christmas!**


	38. Christmas Special: Part Two

**Okay so with this chapter done it gets me about half way through the requests.  
I'm sorry that I haven't done it all in one big chapter but to be honest, that will kill me... dead.  
Le Author is not in a patient mood at the moment.  
And to those people who sent me present requests AFTER the date I had put down and AFTER reading the last chapter I put up...  
I will try and do it...  
Mainly because I feel bad leaving you out... Even if it does piss me off to no end lol.  
Umm by the time this is chapter is up the new story 'Itachis Advice Column' should also be awake.**

**Oh yeah I almost forgot...**  
**I had a few people recently (and I mean more than one) message me\cuss me out because I haven't been doing a disclaimer at the beginning of all of my chapters...**

**So um... To displease the minority... I shall continue not doing disclaimers... Because I think writing on a site called FAN FICTION DOT NET kind of gives you a hint that maybe... just maybe... I am not the author in disguise making up ridiculous and stupid things because it amuses others...**  
**Foolish people.**

**Okay, I'm done...**

* * *

The issue with the hair clippers had been resolved shortly after the problem presented itself.  
For it seemed Christmas wasn't quite going as Deidara had planned who upon being hit with a Slenderman doll and then catching a glimpse of the shaver, promptly attacked Hidan in a fit of terror.  
Amusement had ensued.

Significantly calmed when the imminent threat of having his hair shaved off had passed, Itachi shrank back into the corner next to Kisame and began to play with his sock puppet, which he had called Steve for no adequately explored reason and occasionally glanced up at Deidara and Hidan.

Sasori and Kakuzu watched their partners fighting with distaste, shaking their heads every now and then at a particularly violent movement or a significantly mean threat-

"-wont be so happy when I cut off your head with a toothbrush!"

"OUCH! Dont pull my fucking hair you psychotic little shit!"

...Like those ones.  
Rolling his eyes in boredom, Sasori turned back to the pile of gifts, noticing Konan glancing into a box and blushing like a schoolgirl.  
Curiosity piqued, Sasori wandered over to her, getting a glimpse of some red and black material before the lid was slammed back onto the box and Konan looked up at him, a mixture of embarrassment and guilt crossing her face.  
Sasori raised an eyebrow.  
"Konan."  
The blue haired woman grimaced then, knowing that conversation with Sasori was inevitable if he was in the mood for it.  
Glancing up to him she gulped and waited for him to continue.  
"...What have you got in there?"  
Konan blinked owlishly and glanced around the room for possible escape routes.  
Evidently, she found one because when Sasori turned to see what she was looking at, she disappeared.  
Scowling, the puppet master picked up the piece of paper that had fallen from the box, flipping it over to read the scrawled message:

* * *

_Dear Konan,_  
_I really think you should take advantage of your surroundings and put these to good use._  
_(Hopefully with Pein)_  
_Sincerely, Ramla_

_Ps. I didn't know what colour you liked but red and black always looks sexy in the bedroom._

* * *

Sasori tilted his head and furrowed his brows at the message.  
Sexy?  
Just what the hell had Konan gotten anyway?  
And why was she going to use it on Pein?  
In all likeliness, Sasori decided, he didn't want to know.  
Besides, he had just caught sight of a present marked for him.  
Beaming, the puppet master lifted up the black box and shook it a few times, frowning when he heard frantic scraping coming from the inside.  
_God forbid someone has sent me an animal... I think I will open the card first..._

* * *

_Dear Sasori,_

_Let's make this short. You are my favorite Akatsuki member because of your badassness, similarity to me, and yes, life's goal is to piss us off with annoying Akatsuki members and lack of birthday presents._

_So why not piss life off back?_

_With your birthday present._

_Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas,_  
_Scorpio._

* * *

Oddly flattered, Sasoris lip twitched slightly in what could have passed as a smile...  
Only for it to fade into a mask of horror when he opened the present.

* * *

If he was to tell the truth, Hidan kind of liked fighting with Deidara.  
Maybe it was because Deidara was the only one who would get so angry that he would eventually reduce himself to flailing on the ground and screaming like a girl rather than use actual fighting tactics.  
This worked well for Hidan because to summarise, that was pretty much how he, himself fought on a regular basis...  
Only he was immortal... So he could get away with shit like that.  
_Ow fuck..._  
Hidan winced slightly as Deidara got a good headbutt in and proceeded to return the favour by pinching him on the nipple.  
_Little bastard, why I outta-_

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!"

Their attention immediately caught, Hidan and Deidara ceased their fighting in time to look up and watch with furrowed brows as Sasori jumped onto a table and screeched all sorts of ungodly things.

"GET THEM! HOLY FUCK! GET THEM! HIDAN! YOU ARE IMMORTAL! KILL THE LITTLE FUCKERS BEFORE THEY BREED AND WE GET A MILLION OF THEM IN HERE!"

Hidan was about to reply with something quite mean (because at this angle he couldn't really see anything) until he caught sight hundreds of little scorpions crawling out from what looked to be a half opened present.  
Kisame stood from his area in the corner and called across the room, "They are just scorpions, Sasori."  
The puppet master jerked towards Kisame, still standing on the table and glared at him,  
"JUST!? JUST SCORPIONS!? LOOK AT THEM!"  
Kisame glanced uncertainly at the tiny arachnids who at this point in time, seemed content enough to just crawl under something shady and curl up happily to sleep or something.  
Biting his lip in what could have been sympathy, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark replied,

"You aren't... scared of them are you?"

Hidan sniggered into his hand and Deidara coughed to cover up a laugh as his partner turned a few shades paler.  
"O-Of course not. I just don't want them... In my... presence..."

"You have arachnophobia." Pein deadpanned.  
Hidan and Deidara cackled at this new found information while Sasori sulked on the table and glared at them.  
Whether they took pity on him or because they hadn't yet sated their thirst for imminent destruction, Deidara and Hidan leapt into action, swiping at the small creatures with sharp pointy things and blowing them up all the while hyperventilating as they pointed and laughed at the puppet master.  
Sasori bit his lip in fear as he watched them destroy the remaining creatures and scowled when Deidara called out,

"Your NAME means 'Scorpion'! How the frig can you be afraid of something you were named aft- STAY STILL THERE IS ONE ON YOU!"

Sasori closed his eyes tightly and squeaked as he felt his partner swipe one of the creatures off of his cloak, his sense of relief flooding away when Hidan began cackling.  
Oh he was going to kill them later for laughing at him...  
Kill them and then take them out and buy them whatever they wanted.  
That is the plan...

* * *

**  
Short chapter again.  
Part three will be up soon!  
Till then don't forget to rate, review and leave your hideous compulsory complaints after the beep!  
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!**


	39. Christmas Special: Part Three

**kay I'm back!**  
**Sorry for the long update.**  
**This should be the last chapter of the Christmas special and I am PRETTY sure I got everyone in.**  
**Before I start off, I would like to advertise a story I am _kind of_ co-writing by SaphiraEragon called The Great Fan War. **  
**You'll like it, promise :P**

**So this chapter I rip off two of the best Nintendo games in existence as well as mock Snow White among other things...**  
**Also you will be introduced to Hidans guilty pleasure and the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi has his first line of dialogue ever! (I think...)**  
**So enjoy this, yeah?**

Warning, contains excessive idiocy, foul language and vague sex jokes... But thats nothing you didnt already know.  
**Oh oh oh! I bought a jumper today! I am very excited.**

**Without further ado...**

* * *

Despite Sasoris protests, Deidara and Hidan soon stopped slaying the evil scorpions, boredom playing a major part in said decision.  
The Slenderman doll that had been the cause of Deidaras initial outrage had mysteriously vanished, its strange disappearance coinciding with the arrival and departure of the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi.  
Itachi was still sitting in the corner playing with 'Steve' while Kisame and Kakuzu shook their heads at the Uchihas ignorance.  
Kakuzu snorted in amusement when the feared Sharingan user kissed 'Steve' on the head (top of his hand) in a rare display of affection.

"Seriously, how can a guy so evil have absolutely no idea what a condom is?"

Kisame shrugged in reply before glancing around the room, noting that there seemed to be fewer and fewer people as the minutes went by.  
Konan had disappeared earlier, having run out of the room looking quite embarrassed.  
Shortly after, Pein had gotten up and followed her with an amused smirk on his face...  
Kisame had a feeling that Pein knew what kind of gift Konan had received.  
He had probably cheated and looked through everyones presents again...

"This next present better be alcohol of some kind... I am not in the mood for Blondies little shit fits."

Immediately after Hidans had finished talking, Kakuzu rose to his feet and made his way towards the laundry.  
Sasori narrowed his eyes after the miser in annoyance.  
There was noway he was getting left alone with all the freaks.  
Immediately, the puppet masted threw a balled up piece of wrapping paper to get the misers attention.  
Looking a lot more irritated than he normally would have been, Kakuzu half turned to glare at Sasori and growled out,

"What?"

Sasori furrowed his brows at the misers tone of voice and glanced momentarily at the floor before deciding that it was mostly scorpion free and dashing over to the man.  
Grabbing onto Kakuzus sleeve when he nearly stepped on a little arachnid, Sasori let out a huff of air before asking,

"Where are you going all of a sudden? You are the only one who can stop Hidan from drinking too much."

Kakuzu threw a glance over to his partner, who was currently digging through the dwindling pile of presents and scowled,

"I am going to hide the bleach so that no one drinks it, so if you don't mind-" Kakuzu pushed Sasori away from him and turned to leave, "-I'll be on my way."

Eyes wide in confusion, Sasori turned to Kisame and pointed his thumb over his shoulder at Kakuzus retreating form, "He drinks bleach?"  
The Kiri nin sniggered and waved his hand to dismiss Sasoris concerns.

"No, a few months ago when you and Deidara were on a mission, Hidan had this random need for alcohol. Not like a craving either, he NEEDED it."

Sasori opened his mouth to tell Kisame to get to the point but was silenced by a glare from Itachi as the Kiri nin continued,

"Basically we didn't have any, so Hidan went on this intense rage fit and began demanding that we find him some alcohol. For some reason, he-"  
Kisame jabbed a finger in Deidaras direction, "-decided to tell Hidan that bleach has a really high alcohol content and so Mr. Intelligent went off and drank about 6 bottles of it."

Itachi shook his head as Kisames story came to a close. He remembered that day well, it had been he who had had to clean up the froth from Hidans mouth that had spread into a meter wide pool in the kitchen. The only good thing that came out of the adventure was that Deidara had managed to shut Hidan up and Hidan, having been hallucinating due to bleach poisoning, had assumed that it WAS alcohol he had drunk and hence, did not get very mad.  
A few seconds of silence hung in the air before Sasori sniggered and walked over to pat Deidara on the head, who jumped in glee seconds later upon finding another present addressed to himself.  
Rolling his eyes, the puppet master climbed onto the highest piece of furniture he could find and continued to glare at any stray scorpions that happened to get too close.

Meanwhile, the blonde arsonist was tearing off the wrapping paper in delight.  
At this point, all the wrapping paper from the previous presents littered the floor and obscured any others from view, so stumbling across another present was, to Deidara, like feeding sugar to an already hyper active child.  
With the paper out of the way, the blonde began to tilt the small item he held in his hands with furrowed brows, trying to figure out what the bloody hell it was.

Frowning, he reached over and shuffled through the paper to find the note that came attached.  
He was silent for a few seconds as he read the piece of paper, the only sounds coming from Itachi having muttered conversations with Steve.  
Deidaras blues eyes lit up in unrivalled delight as he recognised what it was he held – much to the distress of Sasori.  
The pyromaniacs eyes were so wide with excitement they looked ready to bleed sunshine.  
Before the puppet master could question what his partner had received, Hidan tore it from Deidaras grasp and read out:

_Deidara,_  
_I have for you, a pyrotechnics package with a small spycam._  
_Stalking you from afar,_  
_Natsu Dragneel_  
_PS. I've also attached some antipsychotics._

Hidan raised a brow, "Antipsychotics? Why would those be attached?"  
"Because..." The silver haired priest jumped at the voice that breathed down his neck, "He is going to go into a fit of psychotic rage when I break that fucking spy camera of his."  
Nodding slowly, Hidan stood and walked stiffly towards the laundry.  
Something about Sasoris scary voice really freaked him out, even more so was the fact that the puppet master had managed to appear behind him so quickly.  
And so as the cries of "No danna, PLEASE!" emanated from the room he had just departed, Hidan decided that he needed some of that weird tasting alcohol that Konan kept under the laundry sink.

Upon entering the laundry, Hidan waved hello to the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi who was sitting in a clothes basket playing on the DS that Tobi had lent him.

"Do you know where Kakuzu hid the alcohol?"

The Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi paused his game and looked up slowly, blinking owlishly at the man in front of him.

"You mean the bleach?"

Hidan shook his head and rolled his eyes, "I dunno what its called, its in a white bottle and says 'bleach' on it."  
Genma furrowed his brows._  
...What? What did that even mean? That was possibly the stupidest thing he has ever said._  
Hidan looked at the man expectantly, as if his brilliant explanation was unrivalled.  
And so now, Genma was faced with a problem.  
He could either tell Hidan and run away from him when he is temporarily turned into a brain damage psycho...  
OR dont tell Hidan and run away from him when he gets mad that his wishes are denied.  
Deciding that he preferred a brain damaged Hidan to a normal Hidan, Genma pointed to the washing machine where Kakuzu had 'ingeniously' hidden the 'white bottles that say 'bleach' on them'.

Hidan grinned his thanks and bounded happily over to the washing machine whilst Genma looked on, silently questioning his decision.  
He ignored the explosion that came from the previous room in favour of watching the Jashinist open the lid and pull the bleach out, all the while mimicking the Legend of Zelda theme music that plays whenever Link opens a treasure chest.

"Da, da, da, DAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Shaking his head, Genma unpaused Mariokart and proceeded to throw banana peels at Luigi and Bowser.

* * *

Pein exited Konans bedroom with a very unhappy look upon his face.  
True to his suspicions, someone HAD sent the blue haired woman a red and black lingerie set.  
But unfortunately, Konan had been unwilling to test them out in his presence.

Sighing, the feared leader of the Akatsuki grumbled to himself as he walked down the stairs and back into the lounge room to inspect everyone elses presents and eventually, take the ones he deemed worthy of himself (when no one was looking of course).  
It didn't really surprise him to find Sasori and Deidara fighting – it wouldn't truly be Christmas unless SOMEBODY was near fatally injured.  
Deciding that he had better be a 'good' leader and try to break up the fight, Pein turned to ask Itachi about what had happened in his absence but upon finding the Uchiha conversing with a condom, decided that Kisame was probably the wiser choice.  
As it was the Kiri nin shrugged.

"I'm pretty sure that Deidara got sent a spycam from someone or something."

Pein stiffened as images of Deidara having blackmail material of him flashed before his eyes.  
God forbid that ridiculous blonde find out about his stamp collection.  
Narrowing his eyes and watching the fight in apprehension, Pein growled out,

"Has it been destroyed yet?"

Kisame stuck the end of a candy cane in his mouth and shrugged again,

"I think thats probably what Sasori is trying to do now."

Pein threw back his head and sighed. _  
I fucking love Christmas..._  
Conveniently, a small box caught his attention as he turned back towards the arguing pair, the nametag 'Deidara' shining out to him like a beacon in a storm.  
_Distraction!_  
Pein hummed cheerily as he made his way over to it, lifting the small box and looking it over carefully.  
Despite the word 'explosion' scrawled across it in permanent marker, it seemed harmless enough.  
Without tearing his eyes off the harmless box or turning, Pein called out calmly,

"Deidara I found another present for you."

Instantly the noise behind him stopped, as he knew it would and Pein smirked.  
He scowled however, when the package was ripped from his hands without so much as a thank you as the blonde began to tear at the paper.  
_Teenagers..._

"DEIDARA DROP IT, ITS A BOMB-!"

Pein whipped around with wide eyes in time to see Sasoris fearful expression as the box exploded in Deidaras hands.

* * *

"-then there was 'at one time... I think I took... No I go-... What were we sayin'?"

Genma shrugged from his comfortable seat in the clothes basket as Hidan drawled on about something or other with a half eaten pie on the floor, two empty bottles of bleach beside it and a blade sharpener and shine in his hands.  
The pie had apparently come from an unmarked present and despite being slightly mouldy from its trip in the box, Hidan had decided that it was still edible.  
The blade sharpener had appeared from out of nowhere and when Genma had questioned its presence, Hidan had mumbled something about a 'gay pirate' and having to find someone called 'Aether'.  
The conversation had been left at that.  
Personally, Genma thought it was wonderful that Hidan had a potential suitor.  
In the Pirate vs Ninja war, Genma was definitely a pirate fan.  
Kakuzu was likely to scare off any one though because "boyfriends and girlfriends are too expensive".

"EY! You listenin'? Fuckin'... kill you... Stupid Shinobi-Chewing-Senbon... I'll eat your face and shove a pen up your nose."

Genma mentally cheered as he passed Princess Peach in the final lap of his race and simultaneously raised an eyebrow at Hidans increasingly imaginative murder plots.  
He snorted as he tried to imagine what a senbon would look like trying to eat a shinobi.  
Maybe a stoned/drugged/drunk Hidan wasn't so bad – so long as he didn't carry out his threats of course.

"-isco dancing chickens... Something, something, something, Itachieatscheesepizzawithcor nsyrup..."

Genma ignored Hidan, who had now started on his 4th bottle of bleach and was probably in an entire different universe by this point in time.  
He probably wasn't even worthpaying attention to-

"HOLY FUCKBALLS WHAT IS THAT!?"

Hidan hissed threateningly in a brilliant imitation of a cat as a teenager with a black katana appeared from thin air and threw several exploding tags at him.  
Hidan blinked sluggishly at the surrounding damage and glanced up in time to see the katana that beheaded him entirely.  
Hidan screeched obscenities at the youth and desperately tried to bite at his arm as his head was swung back and forth but due to the excessive amount of bleach he had drank, his reactions seemed to be slowed.  
The teen cackled at his petty attempts as they entered the lounge room where the rest of the Akatsuki were seated.  
Pein stood up in shock at the scene before him and pointed a finger threateningly at the teenager.

"Look we all hate Hidan but if you don't put him down I swear to Pein that-

"-Jashin."

"-Buddha."

"-Cthulu."

"SHUT UP! I swear to all that is holy you shall die a terrible death!"

Seemingly oblivious to Peins threats, the brown haired teen wrapped exploding tags around Hidans head as the other members of the Akatsuki glared at each other in their little 'God' dispute.  
The teenage pulled a wad of cash from inside of his cloak and threw it to Kakuzu whilst simultaneously throwing Hidans screaming head to the other Akatsuki members... who jumped away from it.  
In response to Kakuzus raise brow, the teen replied, "It should pay for the damages."  
Hidans eyes widened a the youth pulled a detonator from his pocket and cried out, "MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME! XERO THE PYRO!"

* * *

Genma watched Hidan from his comfortable seat in the clothes basket as the Jashinist writhed on the ground and grabbed at his neck.  
The Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi tilted his head in interest as Hidan began to froth at the mouth.  
For the past 5 minutes, Hidan had been screaming out something about having shitty friends and gurgling that anyone with a katana will die... Or to be more accurate:

"Shi'y fuckin.. friennnnndzz... Kat-ack-ana furktards shell die."

Genma watched as Hidan picked up his blade sharpener and began to sharpen his elbow.  
_Annnnnd that would be the bleach taking effect..._  
Snickering to himself, Genma turned back to his game, frowning to see the little green light had turned red.  
That meant low batteries.  
Sighing to himself, the former Konoha shinobi struggled out of his basket and stretched before turning to get the DS charger.  
He would have made it too, if he had of left a few seconds earlier.  
But as it happened, Kakuzu had decided to check his precious supply of bleach at that very second and was now at this very moment, glaring down at Genma.  
A tense silence filled the air and Genma felt his eyes start to water.  
Kakuzu had been deadest against Hidan being anywhere near bleach for the past few months and if he had even the slightest idea that it was his fault the Jashinist had found it, then he was as good as dead.  
And Kakuzu looked like he had a VERY good idea as to who had given Hidan the bleach.  
Crossing his arms, the miser growled out,  
"Did he make you tell him where it was? Did he threaten you?"

Without a second thought, Genma nodded vigorously and replied,

"Yup, yup. Horrible it was, threatened to kill you and break into your safe before killing me too. Awful temper he has there so I'mjustgonnagonowseeyabye!"

Kakuzu shook his head as the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi ran off then turned to glare at Hidan who was currently twitching uncontrollably and frothing at the mouth.  
Rolling his eyes, Kakuzu muttered "I hate Christmas."

* * *

Itachi glanced up from his conversation with 'Steve' as the blast echoed throughout the room.  
Pein, Deidara and Sasori stood in a triangle with blackened faces, singed hair and dumbstruck looks across their face.  
It was upon observing their pitiful state that Itachi decided they didn't need punishing.  
Turning back to Steve, Itachi murmured,

"Steve, Steve, on my hand,  
Who is the fairest in all the Land?"

Kisame shot a look at his partner incredulously as Itachi forced the puppet to reply in a crudely imitated voice, "You are the fairest in all the land, Itachi!"  
Shaking his head and closing his eyes, Kisame moaned, "I hate Christmas..."

* * *

**The end!**  
**Haha.**  
**Yeah I didnt edit that so it sucked but... I hope the shittiness is worth the entertainment value lol  
As always, remember to leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!  
WOOOO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEPPPP!**


	40. January: The Lethal Olympics

**I know that this is well overdue... As are chapters for my other stories.**  
**I don't really have an excuse, only to say that by no means will my stories be left unfinished – it just might take me a while to update them all :\**

**I suppose I shall dedicate this chapter to Insomniasucks – because she made me laugh :D**  
**And to DoctorJaws for reviewing all my chapters – I still hadn't gotten around to thanking you yet,**  
**And to that one particular person who kept messaging and reminding me that I have to keep writing – you know who you are :P**

**I'd also like to recommend a fic called Hokage in the Afterlife by rhcpftw.**  
**Its pretty batshit crazy funny and well worth reading.**

**Erm... Yeah...**

**Oh yeah! Someone has been copying my stories. Look I don't mind if you use the same jokes but copying it out nearly word for word? AND calling your story Itachis Diary of Doom as well? **

**Come on... Not cool. Even thr samelayout was used. **

**So yeah, cut that out -_-**

** I am not amused**

**Not much has happened in my life :S Just been really busy haha**  
**So without further ado – the next chapter!**

* * *

**January 2nd**

Despite the strange looks Kisame has given me when I have discussed it with him, I really wish I was able to summon giant bugs.  
Imagine the enjoyment I would have!

Riiiight... Why do you even want giant bugs?  
**-Pein**

They would be a wonderful means of disposing of people that I don't like... Which is everyone.  
**-Itachi**

Urgh... Isnt having bugs eat people you don't like against... something?  
**- Sasori**

Something, yeah? What something?  
**- Deidara**

I was going to say morals but I'm not entirely sure that Itachi has them.  
**-Sasori**

BUGS! I HAVE BUGS! LOTS OF BUGS! FUCKING BUGS EVERYWHERE!  
- **EDSVF**

...What was that?  
-** Sasori**

Hidan. He still hasn't come down from his bleach induced hallucinations.  
**-Kakuzu**

* * *

**January 5th**

Yesterday I decided to pay a visit to Orochimaru in the Village Hidden in the Strippers to see if there was anyway he would be able to create giant summonable bugs.  
Much to my-

That's it. Are you really so bored that you are honestly resorting to using Orochimaru to carry out your schemes?  
I'm giving you a job to keep you out of trouble.  
Come up with an activity of sorts for the Akatsuki to participate in.  
NO BUGS!  
**- Pein.**

... I would appreciate it if you didn't cut over the top of me while I am writing...  
Furthermore, I would GREATLY appreciate it if you didn't read my diary fullstop.  
However, i do like the idea of creating an event that we can all attend.  
I will begin preparations immediately.

What the fuck have you done, Pein...?  
**- Konan**

* * *

**January 6th**

To my delight, Hidan has decided to help me out with preparing for the Akatsukis first annual Lethal Olympics.  
On any other occasion, the thought of working with Hidan would repulse me, but conveniently, he seems to have either lost his memories or just become so brain dead that he appears to have.  
I suppose that's what drinking copious amounts of bleach will do to you.

Lethal... Olympi- Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick...  
**- Konan**

Do not worry, Konan. Hidan and I have devised several separate 'woman friendly events' for you.  
**- Itachi**

I would normally be offended but I think that I need to play to whatever works in my advantage now...  
Just... what kind of events are we talking about here?  
**- Konan**

- ELECTRIC WIRE, YEAH YEAH!  
**- HIIJHFD**

Umm...?  
**- Kakuzu**

As Hidan mentioned above, there will be electrified tightrope, chainsaw jousting, roadkill hockey, Jaws freestyle and target practice. Among other things.  
**- Itachi**

What is Jaws freestyle, yeah...?  
**- Deidara**

It's similar to regular swimming, but with sharks.  
**- Itachi**

big sharks? :D  
**- Kissamee**

Very big sharks...  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**January 8th**

So I walked into my office this morning and was faced with a desk full of resignation letters... May I remind you all that the only way to leave the Akatsuki is to die?  
I'll see you all at tonights weekly meeting.  
**- Pein**

P.S  
No, Itachi... You CANNOT invite Konoha to participate in your... Olympics...

* * *

**January 10th**

THE BUGS ARE IN MY BRAIN! MAKING MY EYEBALLS THIRSTY! I WANT CHICKEN!  
**- ASDBFGF**

Karkuzoo, mayb u shood stopp givin Heedan bleech? Eye tink u brok im...  
**- Kissamee**

Fuck off Kisame, Ill do what I want... But yes I agree...  
**- Kakuzu**

I kind of like this new Hidan... He's interesting.  
**- Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi**

YOU ONLY THINK THAT BECAUSE YOU KNOW ILL EAT YOU LAST!  
**- ASBHGSIA**

...What?  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**January 9th**

Itachi-sama-sensei-sempai-san-sama-kun, whats a transvestite?  
**- Tobee**

Havent you already asked me this before?  
**- Itachi**

It's what your sempai is... XD  
**- Pein**

FUCK OFF!  
**- Deidara**

Then Tobee shall become just like sempai!  
**- Tobee**

NO!  
**- Deidara**

...Hmm... Deja vu...  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**January 11th**

Tomorrow marks the start of the Lethal Olympics! Unfortunately, Hidans bleach induced hallucinations have ceased and he has stopped cooperating with me.  
But this is fine, I was looking for someone to use as target practice and now that he is completely healthy again, perhaps he will consider doing me this tiny favour.

I am NOT back to normal again, you wonderful gentleman. For some cursed reason, I cant swear anymore!  
Not ONLY that, but I cant stop calling people nice things. Its all darned Kakuzus fault, that lovely cockerspaniel!  
And I'm NOT going to be a target! That is bollocks!  
**- Sir Hidan.**

Ahahaha! Its almost like the bleach bleached away Hidans language, yeah!  
-** Deidara**

Sir Hidan? That just sounds ridiculous...  
**- Konan**

QUIET! You lovely lady! I shall murder thou in thy sleep! With cuddles!  
NO NOT WITH CUDDLES! My hands have a mind of their own! Good gracious!  
**- Gentleman Hidan**

All in favour of knocking Hidan out, say aye?  
**- Pein**

Aye  
**- Deidara**

Eye  
**- Kisame**

Aye  
**- Kakuzu**

Aye  
**-Konan**

AYE NO!  
**- Lovely Hidan**

* * *

**January 13th**

Unfortunately, Orochimaru and his gang of merry men showed up yesterday, so I had to postpone the Lethal Olympics.  
On a good note though, he promised to make Sasuke and Kabuto participate!  
This news comes at a good time because unfortunately, due to self inflicted wounds, Kakuzu is unable to play.

Smart bastard...  
**- Sasori**

Itachi, I have just read through your stupid list of 'games' and have a question...  
What the fuck is Zebra-Hammer Highjump?  
**- Your pissed as hell little brother, Sasuke**

DONT ASK ABOUT THE HIGHJUMP! That's probably the reason Kakuzu decided to self mutilate...  
**- Konan**

Urgh...  
**-Sasuke**

* * *

**January 14th**

Today I started off the first annual Lethal Olympics with Jaws Freestyle.  
Kisame won – no surprises there, and Deidaras arm had to be reattached again.  
All in all it was fairly amusing to watch.  
Thankfully, Pein isn't competing.  
This means that my events can be thoroughly brutal and he wont do a thing to stop it because his own life isn't in immediate danger.  
Instead, he sits on the finish line with me, shaking his fists and yells at Konan to swim faster lest she be eaten by sea dwelling demon creatures.  
It works out well.

Sick bastards...  
**- Sasuke**

Dont complain, little brother. It is your own fault for not taking first place.  
**- Itachi**

Being chased by a shark is MY fault!?  
**- Sasuke**

Yes.  
**- Itachi**

Uhh... Hey Itachi... What does Sasuke usually do when he is mad?  
**- Sasori**

Back in Konoha, he used to sit on the edge of the water and paddle his feet. Why do you ask?  
**- Itachi**

Yeah I figured as much... He just went and started paddling his feet in the shark pool...  
**- Sasori**

LOL  
**- Kabuto**

* * *

**January 16th**

After a short break yesterday to ensure that everyone has recovered, today I announced the beginning of Amaterasu Hurdles and Electrified Tightrope walking-

You monster...  
**- Sasuke**

-... Anyway... Sasuke won the electrified tightrope which is no surprise given his affinity for lightning. Deidara however, quite literally crashed and burned...  
Sasuke and Hidan tied over the Amaterasu hurdles, whereas Konan spontaneously combusted.  
I have a feeling that I might get in trouble for this at some point in time...

I'm pretty sure that our gentlemanly leader was going to ask the pretty lady on a date tonight.  
Have fun getting out of that one, beautiful red eye!  
**- Pretty Hidan**

Pretty Hidan? Oh I love what the bleach has done to you...  
**- Deidara**

Fudge off, girly...  
**- Pretty Hidan**

Has anyone seen Konan?  
**- Pein**

Nope.  
**-Deidara and Pretty Hidan**

* * *

**January 18th**

To my relief, after much blackmailing and bribing, Deidara and Hidan have managed to help me convince Pein that Konan went on a holiday.  
God knows how long that will-

Pein  
**- Pein**

Cthulu  
**-Kissamee**

Buddha  
**-Sasori**

SHUT UP!  
WHO KNOWS how long it will be before he realises that she was actually incinerated...  
In the meantime, todays Lethal Olympics event was chainsaw jousting.  
Originally, I had intended for this to be played on horseback but due to the significant lack of horses, I had Deidara make up some clay birds.  
Unfortunately, the first two contestants were Kabuto and Hidan – neither of whom Deidara likes and so he kind of... blew them up.  
Kabuto is fine – luckily... or unluckily.  
Hidan was blown to smithereens... Cool.

I QUIT! THIS IS TOO DANGEROUS!  
**- Kabuto**

Its called the LETHAL Olympics... Created by ITACHI... What the fuck did you expect when you entered us!?  
**- Sasuke**

I don't know! Trying to bite bobbing apple halves out of a bucket of water or something!?  
**- Kabuto**

Yeah... if the apples were POISONED maybe!  
**- Sasuke.**

Now, now children. If you cant play nice, I will have to confiscate you lego set.  
**- Orochimaru**

What? NO! Thats like, the ONLY thing you guys let me play with back at the base!  
BEFORE YOU TURNED IT INTO A BROTHEL ANYWAY!  
**- Sasuke**

No, no, no, no... We run a strip joint. Not a brothel.  
**- Kabuto**

I DONT CARE! YOU ARENT TAKING MY LEGO!  
**- Sasuke**

Dont worry, Orochimaru. He was like this as a boy, your child raising skills are not to blame.  
**- Itachi**

Thank you Itachi – it means a lot.  
**- Orochimaru**

YOU LET OROCHIMARU NEAR CHILDREN!?  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**January 21st**

The success of the Lethal Olympics have attracted the attention of the Hokage, who has turned up herself to watch the Akatsuki compete in the final event – roadkill hockey.  
Due to lack of roadkill however, we are using Hidans head as a hockey puck.

Fun times.  
The Hokage seems pleased.

* * *

**January 23rd**

And so ends the first annual Lethal Olympics.  
I already cant wait until next year.

I can...  
**-Sasori**

Thats just because YOU didn't compete. Perhaps I should make this a monthly occurrence instead of yearly...  
**- Itachi**

NO!  
**- Deidara and Sasuke**

* * *

**Okay, I realise that this chapter wasn't all that great and to be honest – I struggled with it.**  
**So I do apologise for the lack of quality.**  
**But anyway, you guys know the drill – even if it is just to tell me that my chapters are getting worse XD**  
**Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**  
**Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!**


	41. February: Down with the Sickness

**My writers block is gone!**  
**I'm back, baby!**

**I actually quite literally came up with the idea for this chapter in the shower.**  
**Kind of realised that I have never written a chapter where Itachi gets sick... and voila!**

**Also, I was talking to one of my friends and we came up with the ingenius idea to paint all of the eggs in our house green with white spots... Yoshi eggs now inhabit my refrigerator!**  
**Just wait until my mother notices...**

**Also, as I have mentioned previously, my other stories are NOT up for adoption.**  
**I will be finishing them... I just might take a while to do so.**

**The character Aether belongs to icekitsune13darkfire and if you recall, first made an appearance in the Halloween special dressed as Jack Sparrow and confessing his love for Hidan.**  
**So I take no credit for him!**

* * *

**February 1st**

Unfortunately and due to fairly ironic circumstances, everyone involved in the Lethal Olympics has healed up perfectly whereas I, Itachi Uchiha, am now bed ridden with a sickness that I probably contracted from Kisames sharks.  
I, you see, can go swimming with the sharks without threat of being eaten.  
I'm Itachi fucking Uchiha. I can do that.  
Sharks have nothing on me... They take one look and go "Woah, thats Itachi! Steer clear of him boys!"  
Argh my chest hurts...

* * *

**February 2nd**

Bloh...  
Kind of sums up how I feel right about now.  
Bad.  
And not bad as in stealing Tobis sweets or kicking children bad, I mean bad as in feeling headachey and wanting to vomit blood.  
You know, I would quite like to be able to vomit blood on demand – just to see the look on Hidans face.  
But then again, he would probably be really impressed and ask me to do it again.  
He's like that.

I made tea.  
**- Sasori**

Leave it on the bedside table for me? Thank you.  
**- Itachi**

I didn't say I made tea for you. I made tea for me.  
**- Sasori**

...Then why did you bring it up?  
-** Itachi**

Conversation starter.  
**- Sasori**

Urgh... Go away.  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**February 3rd**

I'm still sick... Everyone has left the base (conveniently) and this leaves me relying on Tobi to cook for me.  
Despite this horrible situation, I do feel the need to remind myself that it could be worse...  
I could be relying on Kisame for food.  
If that were the case then we would be living on toast because that is about the only thing he can cook and even then its burnt.  
He is about the only person in the world who can make a bowl of cereal lethal.

Mi cocking iznt that bad, Itarchee...  
**- Kissamee**

I wasn't talking about your... what?  
**- Itachi...**

Eye can cock perfektly fyne.  
**- Kissamee**

Yes... I'm sure that you... what?  
**- Itachi**

I thort ewe licked the thingz that eye cocked...  
**- Kissamee**

Kisame... Stop talking.  
**- Itachi**

Fyne. But Eye'm not cocking 4 ewe evr agan Itarchee.  
**- Kissamee**

Not sure whether to laugh or be sick.  
**- Pein**

* * *

**February 5th**

Orochimaru came in today and decided to try and feed me medicine to make me better.  
Trust him to accidentally mix up the medicine...  
Instead of giving me an anticold serum, I was fed Kabutos anti-diahorrea tablets and as such, am now sick AND constipated...  
This is just fan-tucking-fastic.

Ugh, he always does that! He mixes up my medicine as well.  
**- Sasuke**

Since when, Foolish Little Brother, have you ever required medicine?  
**-Itachi**

Since... Shut up!  
**- Sasuke**

...What medicine is he giving you exactly..?  
**- Itachi**

Anti-depressants?  
**- Sasori**

Acne cream?  
**- Deidara**

Viagra?  
**- Konan**

Acid?  
**- Kakuzu**

Heroin?  
**- Hidan**

SHUT UP! I take none of those things!  
**- Sasuke**

Don't lie, Sasuke. You take ALL of those things.  
**- Kabuto**

KILLING YOU NOW!  
**- Sasuke**

* * *

**February 6th**

To punish Sasuke for attempting to murder Kabuto, Orochimaru has called upon my help to hide all of my foolish little brothers legos.  
It will have to wait until I am better, of course, but there should be no problem.  
Also, I haven't heard from Naruto for a few months... I should probably do something about that.  
In the meantime, I think I will log onto the computer and surf the internet.  
I hate the machine to bits but... It may prove useful in relieving my boredom...

* * *

**February 7th**

I stayed up all night...  
I went through the computers search history on the internet and found out some interesting things indeed..  
On Sasoris account, the search history indicates that he looks up pictures of... Penises?

NO that's not right! I looked up 'wood' in Google images and THATS what came up... Soooo not what you think...  
**- Sasori**

Right... Well..  
Apparently Deidara reads poetry about fireworks and nail polish.  
Konan searches origami designs and... how to make babies...?  
Kakuzu looks up finance reports... That's about it... No surprises.  
Pein has about 60 tabs open documenting different ways to rule the world along with weapons of mass destruction...  
Kisame apparently watches the NSL (Ninja Soccer League) and documentaries on the ocean.  
Tobi isn't allowed on the computer so nothing for him...

All in all... I am only partially surprised.

Wait, what about Hidan?  
**- Kakuzu**

Hidan doesn't use the internet. He only had a few MSN chat logs open talking dirty to some weird pirate guy.  
**- Itachi**

HEY DONT FUCKING READ MY PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS!  
**- Hidan**

Who IS aetherluvshidan69?  
**- Itachi**

None of your fucking business!  
**- Hidan**

Hang on, how did you even GET INTO our accounts!? They are all password protected...  
**- Deidara**

Simple. Peins password for everything is IamGod46 and he is the computer administrator.  
Not that YOUR password was hard to guess... Mr 'artisabang'  
**- Itachi**

...Shut up, yeah...  
**- Deidara**

You do know that hacking is a crime?  
**- Pein**

What are you going to do? Report me to the cyber police?  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**February 11th**

Thankfully, my cold... flu thing... is gone and I am currently on my way to Sutorippagakure to assist Orochimaru in hiding Sasukes lego.  
Thankfully, I am being offered a bed for the night because Orochimaru insists that it is going to 'take us a while'.  
Honestly... How much lego can one person have?

* * *

**February 13th**

I cant believe how much lego Sasuke had...  
It took us two frigging days to disassemble the fort, working catapult, catwalk and life size model of a car that Sasuke had built over the time he had spent at the base.  
Not to mention we had to send him on a week long mission just so we could do it.  
I have a strange feeling that he is going to be very unhappy when he returns...

Oh well. Not my concern.

* * *

**February 16th**

I returned to the lair today.

That is all.

* * *

**February 18th**

Dear Itachi.  
Please continue tormenting Sasuke for me. It pleases me greatly.  
**- Hashirama**

What?  
- **Itachi**

Isnt Hashirama Senju dead...? Like... 100 years, dead?  
**- Konan**

Yes... I believe he is...  
**- Itachi**

* * *

**February 21st**

Today I was kicked out of the shopping centre nearest our lair because due to an unfortunate twist of fate, Hidan had to tag along.  
Elaborate, you say? Fine.

After drinking MORE bleach... Hidan decided to try and sneak up on the 'magical doors' of the supermarket to see if they could 'sense his presence'.  
Needless to say... they COULD sense his presence and when Hidan tried to pick a fight with said 'magical doors' we were quite unceremoniously thrown out.  
They even called animal control... I suppose they mistook the bleach foam in the corners of Hidans mouth as a sign that he had rabies.

RABIES TASTE GOOD  
**- ASDFH**

Rabies or rabbits...?  
**- Sasori**

BOOOOOOOOOTH!  
**- IWUFV**

Erm.. right.  
**- Pein**

* * *

**I know that lately I have been ending my chapters with a few days to spare before the end of the month (and ditching quite a few days in between)...**  
**My bad?**  
**Also, there is a brief mention in there of Hashirama making an entry in the diary – this is a reference to my good friend rhcpftw's story Hokage in the Afterlife because not only did he make a mention of Itachis Diary in his latest chapter, he also had Hashirama, Minato, Tobirama and Tsunade read it briefly...**  
**So check out his story – it will have you in giggling fits...**

**You all know the drill.**

**Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!**  
**Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep !**


	42. AN: All Your Fingers Are Belong To Me

Alright guys. Getting real sick of your shit...

In the past month there have been 4 people notify me that this story (and others) has/have been copy-pasted onto someone else account, not only on this site but Wattpad and Deviantart too.

So imma keep it simple.

Cut it the frig out or I'll cut off your fingers with a toothbrush.

In other news, I have a new chapter ready to be posted and willI upload it sometime over the weekend. :D

Thank you muchly to the people who have told me of the stealers and I hope everyone is having a nice week! :p

Trigger


	43. March: Long Journey to the Sky

**Okay so you might all want to thank Night Chimes for this chapter.**  
**Mainly because every time I don't update when I say I will, I receive a very polite email urging me to hurry the fuck up.**  
**So thank you Night Chimes.**  
**Also, I am sorry this update took so long. I had a... Family emergency of sorts.**

**In other news, Iron Man 3 is amazing.**  
**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm out...**

* * *

**March 1st**

It's raining...  
It's raining really hard...  
In a way it is good, because we managed to lock Tobi outside and with a bit of luck, he will die of pneumonia.  
But it is also quite terrible, because Slend R. Mans house has flooded and he is now inside the base with us.  
Splendid...

* * *

**March 2nd**

Slend R. Man is still here for some reason... Even though we sent Kisame over to get rid of all the water.  
I'm really not sure what he wants or why, but if he doesn't stop reading over my shoulder, I might just lose my temper.

Oh god, lose it, lose it, lose it, LOSE IT!  
**- Deidara**

DONT LOSE IT! If you Amaterasu this base I swear to God, Itachi...  
**- Pein**

You swear to... what?  
**- Sasori**

ME! I swear to me!  
**- Pein**

* * *

**March 4th**

Itachi... I just thought I would let you know, after doing a bit of an experiment and making Sasori do a bit of lab work... We've come to the conclusion that your diary is not actually made of paper... but Senju DNA.  
**- Pein.**

Yeeeeah... no... No it isn't.  
**- Itachi**

No, it actually is!  
**- Pein**

Is this like the time you had Sasori test the DNA on Konans bed sheets to make sure Deidara hadn't slept with her?  
**- Itachi**

Say what?  
**- Deidara**

No, this is real! I am not even joking.  
**- Pein**

...Sasori?  
**- Itachi**

Yes?  
**- Sasori**

...Can you test Pein for paranoid schizophrenia?  
**- Itachi**

I'm NOT paranoid! Or Schizophrenic! Who told you that? Was it one of our enemies? It was one of our enemies wasn't it...?  
**- Pein**

Omg! Stop talking!  
**- Konan**

* * *

**March 7th**

Pein has become increasingly paranoid and jumpy over the last few days. He is convinced that some one is out to get us (which is ridiculous of course)-

Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Destroy you all!  
**- Slend R. Man**

-He has become so paranoid in fact, that he has made us all move base. Not much complaining really. It means we can get away from that idiot neighbour, Slend R. Man.  
The downside is, we have no more useable bases and need one built...

Dont worry, yeah? I hired a bunch of ninja to make one for us.  
**- Deidara**

You hired NINJA to do it!? From what country!?  
**- Pein**

Konoha.  
**- Deidara**

NOOOOOOO! NOW TSUNADE KNOWS WHERE OUR BASE IS!  
- Pein

Huh... How?  
**- Deidara**

Because, idiot partner... You got the enemy to build our base...  
**- Sasori**

Only one of them... And he seemed so nice... Blonde too! Wore way too much orange, though.  
**- Deidara**

...What was his name?  
**- Pein**

Naruto I think- ohhhh...  
**- Deidara**

The same Naruto that we have been trying to catch for the last 4 years...!?  
**- Pein**

No... It was a different one...  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**March 9th**

So we moved into our new base today.  
It is surprisingly homey but Pein doesn't seem to like it much.  
Zetsu appears to have settled in nicely though.

Of COURSE Zetsu has settled the fuck in. We are living inside a fucking tree! I am not amused!  
**- Hidan**

Actually Hidan, we are living inside a tree _house._  
**- Itachi**

And a poorly crafted one at that... Its held together with sticky tape...  
**- Sasori**

How much did Naruto charge for this anyway?  
**- Kakuzu**

Ummm... Twelve thousand-  
**- Deidara**

TWELVE THOUSAND WHAT!?  
**- Kakuzu**

...c-cents?  
**- Deidara**

THATS WAY TOO MUCH MONEY! YOU ARE DEAD!  
**-Kakuzu**

I don't know Kakuzu... He probably used up 'twelve thousand cents' worth of sticky tape building this place..  
**- Sasori**

* * *

**March 13th**

A finely crafted tree house indeed! It even has its own built in intruder traps!  
One of which, Hidan fell victim to earlier when the entire west wing collapsed to the ground.  
Since this occurrence, we have decided to put weight restrictions on each room.

Pack your things, we are leaving.  
**- Pein**

Why ever would we leave, Sir Leader?  
**- Itachi**

Because this place has no roof and it is about to rain... again.  
**- Pein**

Cant you control the rain?  
**- Deidara**

Good luck trying to convince Kakuzu to leave... He wants to stay as long as fucking possible so we get our moneys worth out of this damn contraption...  
**- Hidan**

Hey guys! Howzit going!?  
**- Slend R Man**

WE ARE LEAVING!  
**- Kakuzu**

* * *

**March 15th**

After much negotiating with Tsunade, we have (somehow?) managed to convince her to allow us to build a small cottage within a few kilometres of the Hidden Leaf Village.  
I, of course, am delighted.  
This gives me ample opportunities to fraternize with the enemy... Namely, Naruto.  
And of course, Konoha has the best weather out of all the countries.

* * *

**March 19th**

So this house is turning out better than the one that Naruto created... For starters it has a roof and windows (always a plus...)  
Dont get me wrong, I appreciate the work my foolish-little-adopted-not-really-brother put into making us a humble abode but well you know... You have to be practical.

As in have even the slightest shred of intelligence that will tell you living there will have you die of pneumonia within a week?  
**- Sasori**

...Yes.  
**-Itachi**

* * *

**March 21st**

Today had its ups and downs.  
I decided to visit Naruto but unfortunately, due to being a member of the Akatsuki, I was not allowed inside the Hidden Leaf Village.  
That was a down.  
On the upside though, I managed to sneak in after disguising myself-

That wasn't a disguise... You just put on a pink wig...  
**- Sasori**

Correct, but I was still granted entry.  
**- Itachi**

THEY LET YOU IN!? YOU WERE STILL WEARING YOUR FUCKING AKATSUKI CLOAK!  
**- Hidan**

I have a feeling that infiltrating and destroying The Hidden Leaf may not be as difficult as we originally thought...  
**- Konan**

ANYWAY... I managed to sneak in like the sneaky sneak that I am. As a result, I was, in fact, able to visit Naruto.  
He was very suspicious at first (probably the wig) but after a few moments of chatting and presenting him with ramen, I managed to convince him that I was, in fact, his beloved older-not-so-foolish-adopted-brother-not-really.

**Note:**  
_I don't usually make notes at the end of my entries, but I would like to jot down that for some reason, Naruto had a massive pile of coins stacked up. 12,000 cents worth if my Sharingan is correct._

* * *

**March 23rd**

Our new super-secret ninja base has now been fully constructed (minus the windows which should be arriving within the hour)  
Interestingly, another house has begun construction next to ours.  
It would appear we are going to have a neighbour.

Hi guys! I'm your new neighbour... It is nice to meet you... Hahaha destroy you all!  
**- Nam R Dnels**

Well at least he seems nice.  
**- Itachi**

Nuuuuu kill it wit fiyah! Itarchee! Ameterasoo it b4 it breads and haz litle baybees crawlin all ova d place!  
**- Kissamee**

What are you talking about Kisame? He seems so much nicer than Slend R Man.  
**- Sasori**

Nuuu! Guyz! It IZ Slender Man!  
**- Kissamee**

Slend R Man... At least try to spell peoples name right... And no it isn't. This is Nam R Dnels...  
How do I say that? Dnels...?  
**- Pein**

The 'n' is silent. :)  
**- Nam R Dnels**

Ah, splendid. We look forward to getting to know you.  
**- Pein**

NUUUUUUUU!  
**- Kissamee**

Yes, indeed. You are welcome over for dinner tonight? I had a sudden craving so I started making soup and appear to have made too much.  
-** Nam R Dnels**

Wonderful. What kind of soup?  
**- Sasori**

Shark fin.  
**- Nam R Dnels**

Urgh... Can somebody call a medic nin? Kisame fainted on me.  
**- Deidara**

Oh, I'm a medic nin! Bring him over and leave him with me for a few hours...  
**- Nam R Dnels**

Oh great! Hey this is awesome, yeah! You're the best neighbour ever.  
**- Deidara**

* * *

**March 25th**

Its been a few days since Kisame fainted and went to Nam R Dnels. Such a pity that he missed out on the soup...  
Oh well, Nam R Dnels tells us that Kisame went away for a while on a long journey into the sky...  
I'm assuming that he means that Kisame has foolishly tried to infiltrate the Hidden Cloud again, so I don't expect him home anytime soon.  
Oh well.

So glad we are neighbours  
**- Nam R Dnels**

* * *

**So unintended cannibalism... If that counts as cannibalism (I'm not entirely sure Kisame is all human... In all likeliness its not cannibalism at all... )**  
**I honestly didn't mean for the chapter to turn out this way aha.**  
**Also, the brief reference to the diary being made out of Senju DNA is a tribute to Rhcpftws story 'Hokage in the Afterlife' and you may not entirely understand it unless you read some of his later chapters.**  
**He kinda takes the piss out of Naruto... Ands tears the story to shreds... But it is entertainment value at its finest and even includes your occasional dose of Itachi.**  
**Its worth a read anyway.**

**So, hope you enjoyed this ridiculousness. Nam R Dnels encourages you to review...**  
**So does Slend R Man.  
And Ghost Kisame...**

**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!**  
**Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee(Insert Kisames screams here)eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!**


End file.
